The Divorce Thread

Sundry Chitchat
109

Glad you’re already seeing a therapist. Even if you’re clear headed about the decision and know you’re doing the right thing, divorce can still bring up complex and difficult emotions around identity and loneliness and loss. It took me like 8 months to fully feel like “me” again, despite having zero doubt about my decision (my ex-wife cheated on me, see mental health thread).

Although I don’t have kids, I was myself a child of divorce and one thing I REALLY wish I had back then was somebody to talk to about it. Kids understand way, way more than you would guess, and there’s a constant sort of shame around the divorce they pick up on from their parents, family, friends… basically everyone in their lives who know about it. And that can make it difficult for them to feel safe talking about it or sharing feelings or even admitting they want to discuss it. I wouldn’t assume they’re ok just because they tell you they are. Obviously it would be great if you and your wife can talk to them about the divorce openly, but I’d also suggest some kind of professional counseling for them, too, or at least a consultation.

I’ll defer to the lawyers itt on legal advice, but will just reiterate that you really want to get something down in writing and signed asap. Like you, I had no issue coming to an initial verbal agreement, but my ex took months to actually sign the damn thing and it stressed me the fuck out.

Finally, depending on where you live, I’m a lot more optimistic than some others itt about your dating prospects. Like I said, I don’t have kids so my situation is a little different, but I could go on a date every day of the week if I wanted to. The apps make it much easier than it used to be, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

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110

Yea i didn’t mean tell me not to, but maybe just have been like, hey there is another option here, because i didn’t feel like it at the time lol. All in the past now though.

111

little update on my situation, pretty much a non-update. Everything is essentially the same, I’ve got my shit in place to buy a new house. Wife hopefully I pray has hers setup in the next few days, its been a fucking month. We were trying to go through the same person but after she decided she didn’t want to work with the first two i found and wanted to go with someone her dad knew i said great have fun, and that was legit about a month ago. Hopefully any day now.

We held off on telling the kids for now when we were planning on originally doing it right after thanksgiving came up because of an issue that I’m not really going to talk about here. I think its resolved now or will be in next few days. Its too close to xmas now I think so i guess we will wait a bit, there is no rush really i guess other than me wanting to get the fuck out of here.

I don’t know what I related in the thread before and not going to go back to look but I know i said in the LC we had a house fire when the dryer caught fire in late october. Which led to some repairs, so for the last 45 days or so we have had contractors in and out, repairing, cleaning up, painting, didnt have a dryer and shit. Then our fucking oven stopped working a few weeks ago and my wife decided she wanted a new one because she was going to stay here and didnt want to spend a couple hundred to repair it and possibly have to repair again later when she could just spend 500 on a new one so we did that with her agreeing she would pay for the difference between lets say 200 repair and a 500 new one so at that point it was all the same to me so fuck it. However she bought a new one which took a couple weeks to get here because covid and shit i guess, then she figures out she bought a slide in model when we have a drop in, so she decides she’s going to just remove the rest of the cabinet herself to be able to slide that in, fast forward another week or so to now shes finally got that shit ready to slide it in so i guess we going to try to install it tomorrow. fuck me man, shes been working a lot too at night and kids been doing school remotely during the day while im working at home and we have contractors here off and on and I’m making sure kids are doing their schoolwork and shit since I can’t trust her to do that even when shes home during the day and I’m working.

Oh and I think i mentioned before but I had to lay off two of my team members from work on the 11th and had to tell them myself so that sucked. Last 45 days have sucked ass is what I’m saying pretty much and the other thing which i won’t mention here put some added stress on.

Just needed to vent, hopefully I’m close to the other side.

I did talk to an attorney and while I think i might be able to do better in court on what I’m going to pay the ex I don’t think I can get her to agree to it and I’m not going to court over it so fuck it, it is what it is and I’ll be fine. She will likely be broke even with what she’s getting from me so whatever.

I’m also looking at buying a house literally next door to my parents which is about 10 mins away. Same neighborhood i grew up in and its a great neighborhood, same school system, closer to the kids school and closer to my work. My parents will be next door but i have a great relationship with them and I’m sure they would be thrilled to have us close and it will be super convenient for seeing them and my mom will help with the kids. Only iffy part is whether i can get the shit worked out for the divorce before someone else buys it but i think it’ll be fine, I think its slightly overpriced now but its a pretty perfect space for me and the kids as far as the house, plus parents next door and i know theres a bunch of kids in the neighborhood as well which will be a plus compared to my current neighborhood.

Well i just had to vent i guess, crossing my fingers for better days ahead.

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112

Sounds like a ton of shit you’re having to put up with

Hang in there

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113

thanks for all the good wishes and advice etc here, we signed the papers yesterday and its been a pretty clean process, kids seem to be adjusting well, ive been in my own place since may

all the best to unstuck

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114

Bump. I have an extended family member of unspecified relation going through a divorce now. I’ll call her Frances. Her soon-to-be-ex-hubby has finally moved his ass out of their house after considerable seemingly deliberate delays on his part, and he’s also apparently stalling on actually finalizing the divorce agreement. As part of the draft agreement, STBEH got the bedroom set, and he took it with him when he moved out. Frances does not want to contest that. She works in a low-paying but honorable line of work, and between her and STBEH, they had an above average number of kids, and she’s not sure exactly how she’ll care for them. I’m not exactly where exactly she lies in the space surrounding being totally unable afford a bed at all, and being able afford a bed but not wanting to because she’s nervous about “splurging” and then having difficulty caring for her kids if something unexpected arises, but she’s not in a place where she can comfortably afford a bed in the near term. So, she’s sleeping on the floor for now.

I’d like to buy Frances a bed. She needs and deserves one. Is there shit I have to worry about, like, the bed I buy her getting sawed in half and STBEH getting a chunk because the divorce isn’t finalized and won’t be for perhaps weeks or months, even though that fucker already got the bed he and Frances had shared? Are there stupid tricks that can be used to prevent that? I’d really rather not have Frances sleep on the floor for weeks or months before STBEH comes around to finalizing everything.

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115

Buy a bed and “loan” it to her until the divorce is finalized?

116

Yeah, it’s an obvious way to try a workaround, but I have no idea if shenanigans like this get loled at by divorce court judges. Like, there’s no way I would be the first person to try something like this, right? So, I’m checking to see if anyone here knows the precedent.

117

This seems fine.

Could also consider just getting her a mattress to use and then give her the bed after everything is done. Less at risk that way. Personally mattress on the floor is just as good as mattress on bed for me, but maybe I’m weird like that.

118

I’m not very familiar with divorce court, but is fighting over a $1000 (?) bed usually part of it?

119

I am quite thankfully inexperienced on the subject, but not knowing exactly how much to make of the horror stories you hear from various sources, my impression is yes, fighting over goods worth at most a few thousand on the secondary market is an agonizing part of the divorce process.

This is a good idea for a baseline. I had been thinking a full proper bed, but really, just a mattress on the floor, or a mattress in the most basic of unadorned frames is the minimum viable outcome here, and that would be much less of a potential contribution to “marital property” than a full bed. Just a good mattress on the floor, sheets, and a blanket is enough for some good nights’ sleep for a few weeks or months, and then we could finish the job with a decent looking frame and such once everything is finalized. And if STBEH wants to go to war over a few hundred bucks of mattress, I’d be happy to throw those benjis in his face carelessly.

120

What if you lend her the money to buy a bed, complete with some signed document, and then when it’s all over you forgive the loan? And hey if you whisper that in her ear at the beginning so she doesn’t have to worry about it, who needs to know?

This way if he tries to contest the bed, what he’s really doing is trying to assume half the debt.

(Obviously IANAL, and consulting with one of the forum’s lawyers on this one seems wise.)

121

IANAL, but I believe personal gifts are usually excluded from marital assets. In addition, I’d find it difficult to believe that a gift of a bed after a marital separation (accompanied by receipts and a letter from the purchaser) would still be considered a marital asset by the presiding judge or master.

This has to be a better course of action that writing up a phony “loan” document.

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122

I feel like @WichitaDM probably has some insight on this question, I know his practice was mostly bankruptcy, but I feel like there have to be some bankruptcy cases that overlap with divorces and this seems like a basic question about divorce law. Wichita, the original question is from MrWookie here: The Divorce Thread - #114 by MrWookie

123

Divorce is not my area of expertise but in Oklahoma at least property you receive as a gift or inheritance is not marital property it is considered seperate property. Even if this is not the law of the land where they live property division in divorce typical is required to be equitable. So them both getting a bedroom set would likely be the ruling if this actually needed to be argued about at all.

Disclaimer: I am not allowed to give specific legal advice in any states besides Oklahoma so the abovw represents my general understanding of the law rather than advice specific to her case. She should seek representation in her jurisdiction.

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124

I don’t have a lot of experience either but from what I have seen an ugly divorce will be petty beyond your wildest imagination. If one or both parties feels aggrieved then it is a completely irrationally process.

125

No, unless one or both of the parties are difficult shitheads. Or pretty much what mosdef said.

126

It sounds like there are kids of the marriage. That is the normal nasty battle ground. If she hasn’t already I strongly recommend getting competent representation if he is likely to dispute custody. Getting everything right on that the first time around will save a lot of heartache, stress and possibly money as modifying divorce decrees after the fact can be difficult and expensive.

127

She does have a lawyer, and mercifully, the stuff STBEH is being a jerk about doesn’t involve the kids. That could change, of course, but he seems more focused on having enough time for himself rather than on maximizing his time with the kids. But he is being petty about misc. stuff they have.

128

Sounds like he just wants to be hurtful on the way out. Which obviously sucks, but it’s also a sign that a divorce is absolutely the right way to go even though it is a painful transition.