Love & Hope & Sex & Dreams

This is a thread for whatever you have to say about love. As will be evident, I’m not an expert. You might think that as long as I’ve been around I’d have learned something about the topic, but no. Sorry. Nevertheless, I’ll start.

BTW, though there are measures of hope and dreams, there’s no actual sex in this story, you pervs. What I’m going to tell you is personal but I’m pretty old now and getting to a point of not caring so much what people think. I’m not revealing identities, but I suppose there’s always a chance, so, to M, if you read this and don’t like it, I’m sorry but here we are.

Anyway, M, a friend I’ve known about 8 years and someone I care a lot about, ditched me a few months ago. Ghosted is the technical term, I believe. I’m sure she had her reasons, but it hurts.

M is quite a bit younger than I am. We’d been neighbors for about a year. It was her idea that I move in here. I’m sure she cares about me but I’ve always been confused about how strongly she feels and where she wanted our relationship to go. Going back a year and a half or so, she’d mentioned getting a house together and wanted to know how I felt about marriage and kids. At the time, I didn’t know how seriously to take her and I hadn’t thought of that as a real possibility at this point in my life.

After some months frequently and directly exposed to her charms (extraordinarily generous, sweet, smart, funny, affectionate, hot), I talked to her about it again but if that window was ever really open, it had closed. I didn’t believe what she pretty colorfully told me this time, that she wasn’t interested in marriage now. I felt she’d do it if the right guy stepped up and she was just telling me I wasn’t the guy. That was at the start of the year.

Predictably, she started distancing herself from me after that. We still got together occasionally but it wasn’t the same. I was fairly busy most of the year trying to support a friend who was in the hospital and his family. And M is 100% go all the time so we didn’t see each other much even in passing. She joked she only knew if I was alive because of my blinds being open/closed.

Sometimes she’d leave me care-packages at my door with a nice little note. Food or chocolates and stuff. She’s big on good food. She picked up on my thinking she was avoiding me-- she said I was being silly. Mid-summer, we were supposed to go for a walk but she stood me up. Then a couple of weeks later, and this will be a funny story at some point (not soon) but I was going to drop some flowers at her door that I grew for her over the summer. They were dahlias, her favorite. Through the door, I heard her on the phone, saying she was engaged. Suddenly the flowers didn’t seem so appropriate so I didn’t leave them. I didn’t bring it up because it seemed like she didn’t want me to know.

A couple of months later, I found a grocery bag hanging on my doorknob. It contained my spare key and a random electronic device I’d loaned her. There was no note. I looked down the hall towards her place and saw the welcome mat was gone. She’d moved out.

There’s a lot more I’d say but I’m sure the details are kind of boring. I have a lot of questions. Some guesses. No real answers. I wish her well but I don’t know why it has to be this way. In musical terms, I’m still at this stage

And btw, if you don’t know, Love & Hope & Sex & Dreams is the name of an album by the band The Bodeans. A good album if you like sad, whiny songs. Example:

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Im unclear. Did you sleep with her?

Let me have another glass of wine while I consider how to say that no, I did not.

Than you were in the maybe category. And then she got a real relationship, so it was appropriate that she cut off her maybes.

Seems standard.

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Yes.

Stripped of all the bullshit and dancing around, I think you’re right. What hurts is that things I thought mattered, and that I thought mattered to her, have to go in the bullshit category now. That includes friendship and loyalty and love itself. I’m overly sensitive maybe. Overly romantic in some ways. But I’d never have believed she was capable of this. She’s generally not shy and very direct. If she didn’t want me in her life anymore, for whatever reason, she could have told me. At least said goodbye.

Standard sucks.

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If it gives you any solace, I assume when monogamous she’s the type maybe to not have friendships with the opposite sex ftmp.

I’m assuming she didn’t talk to you about it because she didn’t want to hurt you, or at least dealing with seeing your disappointment and/or any awkwardness if the conversation doesn’t go as neatly as you envision. If anything, it sounds like she kind of gets the male ego ftmp. (The new guy’s ego is likely the key driver in all of this.) You’re unique but her behavior is likely based on learned experience and goes along with how it sucks to be a woman.

You seem to view the relationship as primarily a friendship but apparently she looked at you as something more with asking you to move near her and then talked to you about marriage. You already rejected her and she’d done likewise when you circled back later on, ultimately ending the relationship which then died on the vine. She didn’t want to do so further by telling you she loves someone else, you got the point she moved otherwise. It’s avoidant, it doesn’t mean everything was bullshit tho: Just some white lies.

I’m still sorry you’re hurting tho.

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Would you feel this kind of pain if you hadn’t overheard her conversation?

Seems like she was probably right and it’s picking another man and the finality of it all moreso than no goodbye. Seems like she was willing to love you and you know that now.

Sorry man.

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This phrasing is why she didn’t want to talk to you about it face to face.

Put yourself in her shoes.

This is very thoughtful, thank you.

I assume when monogamous she’s the type maybe to not have friendships with the opposite sex ftmp.

This isn’t true. She has many male friends. She values them very highly and has no trouble handling them. I thought this included me. I felt she’d do practically anything for me, as I would (even now) for her.

I’m assuming she didn’t talk to you about it because she didn’t want to hurt you

Possible except that in the past she hasn’t shied away from this in ending relationships. She was previously engaged two years ago (so yeah, this is all way complicated) and she introduced me to that person just before she “had a conversion with him”. Dude looked like he was facing a firing squad.

I’d told her I wasn’t in any way looking to complicate her life. If she’d wanted to say goodbye she could have done that.

how it sucks to be a woman.

I’m sensitive to this. Unrequited love is a bitch. And she’s faced this situation before. I didn’t want to be one of those men.

(The new guy’s ego is likely the key driver in all of this.)

Also possible. Maybe he’s jealous. Although come on dude, she chose you!

You seem to view the relationship as primarily a friendship but apparently she looked at you as something more

It’s confusing af because of the way our friendship started and the age difference. It’s never seemed to matter to her but it’s always held me back even when she gave me clear signals that she wanted to me to make a move. I feel so stupid.

it doesn’t mean everything was bullshit tho: Just some white lies.

True. I’m sure she feels as much regret as I do. I can’t help feeling angry at times though. They weren’t lies, I don’t think. I’m just so disappointed.

Would you feel this kind of pain if you hadn’t overheard her conversation?

Yes, I would. It was a shock in the moment but not really unexpected. I knew she was seeing other guys and I didn’t begrudge her that. She deserves to be happy. Despite what she said, I knew marriage had been something she wanted very much and for a long time.

Put yourself in her shoes.

I try. Her emotional IQ is off the charts. It’s hard to believe she couldn’t face me.

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Correct me if wrong, but I’m assuming you don’t know if that’s still the case moving forward.

I meant white lies about no longer being into marriage.

Beyond that, obviously I don’t know all the details. Hope you mourn this and get your groove back soon.

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True, I don’t know that. Maybe there’s a few of us in this club. I do know she values loyalty.

I meant white lies about no longer being into marriage.

Ah. Yeah, I knew it was a white lie at the time.

Hope you mourn this and get your groove back soon.

Thanks. I really appreciate your comments. This has all been hard to process in isolation. I mean jeez, this year. My friend in the hospital died. His wife, also a good friend, moved away. Another friend in the area stopped talking to me. My lifelong best friend has been fighting cancer.

The calendar flipping over isn’t really meaningful, but I sure hope 2021 is better. Thanks for taking the time to pass on your thoughts!

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I don’t really know what to say. You’ve had a terrible year and I really hope things turn around for you soon, as they usually do.

You could try moving house once the pandemic is clear if you think that will help break some of the connections living there must have with her.

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Two more sad and beautiful songs for you.
I hope 2021 brings you good things.

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Yes, thanks. If I had somewhere to go I’d be gone already.

I feel like you catch some undeserved shit on this site and I just want to say that even though I don’t always agree with you, I’m glad you stick around.

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That’s very kind, thanks.

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OMG, these are amazing! Thanks so much.

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Been listening to a lot of sad but beautiful music myself lately.

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Back at you.

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Free tip.

Stop listening to sad songs.

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