There’s a “classic” Christmas song that I would’ve taken #1 just on principle. I’m getting riled up by the prospect it won’t be taken at all.
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This is, uh, quite the understatement as to how horrible it is. Good pick.
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Enjoying this thread, but right after Feliz Navidad the page refreshed or something and every single YouTube video upthread that I had played 15-20 seconds off and paused started playing at once. I had to scroll up and pause them all one by one, including the She Hates Me/Grandma Got Runover mashup.
I will never unhear that. I think I need Justin Bieber to stab me in the ears with his drumsticks. Do it, drummer boy, do it!
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Sometimes when you’re drafting, you’re just looking for the best available talent. But every once in a while, you have the chance to make a pick that will generate true synergy with your existing team. Like, I don’t know if LiAngelo Ball is any good, but isn’t it cool for the Hornets to sign him alongside LaMelo?
I’m thinking Billy and Cal Ripken playing for their dad on the Orioles. The Seattle Mariners signing Ken Griffey Sr., so he could join Junior on the team. The Griffin twins on the Seahawks. It’s all about adding the piece that means a little bit more for your team than it would to any other team.
So after drafting Feliz Navidad, I’m going to pair it with my third pick, the most offensive Christmas song I’ve ever heard. It’s been referred to as “The perfect holiday gift for all the bigots in your life.” It’s a “masterpiece” of hate. It led Jose Feliciano to make the following statement: This song has always been a bridge to the cultures that are so dear to me, never as a vehicle for a political platform of racism and hate. It’s disgusting and my only wish that my song and I are distanced from the whole affair as soon as possible.
It is “Illegals in My Yard”.
Team so far:
- Dominick the Donkey
- Feliz Navidad
- Illegals in My Yard
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Yikes! Pretty magnificent pairing though, as stated.
Strong, very strong.
So badly sung. Just so bad.
Gonna be a while. At work now. No time for research.
Ever wanted to hear Jingle Bells with an EDM beat? Yeah, me neither but here it is anyway!
Round 3
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This draft is real dangerous business. Like being an undercover cop who takes things too far, you can find yourself trapped in the very threat you’re trying to eliminate. (Or at least that’s my takeaway from movies like Rush and Deep Cover.)
I’m just saying that Feliz Navidad has been stuck in my head all morning.
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Well, I’m happy to be able to pick up an extremely mainstream song that is a pox on all our houses and a parasitic worm in all our ears for about 6 weeks every year. I didn’t think it’d last this long. The disparity between the quality of this song and the average output from this song writer is staggering. I select:
Let’s start with the music. From that first wa-wa synthesizer hit in the opener, you know you’re in for some cheese. And then, naturally, cue the jingle bells, the cliche of all cliches that are literally the only thing musically about the song that suggests Christmas at all. From there, it’s simply 3 licks stuck together. A basic arpeggio repeated over and over for your verses, hammer your perfect intervals on the titular theme and call it a chorus, and then we ding dong ding dong ding dong for a bridge.
Lyrically, are we going to repeat the damn title too damn much? Oh, you bet your ass. And outside of that? Outside of the title, and the incessant ding dongs, there is nothing about the song that is Christmas at all. This could be a Halloween anthem just as easily as it’s a Christmas song talking about the moon and spirits. Change it to a minor key, maybe make a few of the fourths or fifths into tritones, et voila. It’d be a terrible Halloween anthem, sure, but it’s mutated from a truly terrible Christmas song. You could even say that the ding dongs are hell’s bells instead of children’s choirs (which, you know, sing, instead of ding donging. Most children’s choirs sing songs better than this one.) and you’re simply having a miserable Halloween time.
This is the most mailed-in Christmas song of all time, displaying just a staggering lack of creativity or uniqueness or charm, and yet corporate radio and store playlists everywhere insist on hammering it into our brains day in and day out. And this piece of shit just barely manages to hit enough of the right notes that it sticks in your head all day, torturing you.
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For my 4th pick, I’m going to go with a song with linguistics that are, shall we say, not all that cunning. It hits us with the idea lickety-split, and then expects you to keep lapping it up until it finishes. There’s not any subtlety or speaking in tongues here. It doesn’t go anywhere else, either. It just keeps mashing O on that pink telephone with a firm grip on your ears for the full two and a half minutes it takes.
Musically, it’s an assault on the ears that manages to sound like a club dance track that doesn’t make you want to dance, either vertically or horizontally. I thought Lady Gaga had better taste than to put out trash like this, but here we are.
Team So Far:
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas
Wonderful Christmastime
Christmas Tree
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Round 4
Yup, a ratioed Christmas song.
To me this song sounds more like a bad SNL satire than an actual song. Never heard somebody wanting a woman to leave their home so badly in my life.
Just as Hollywood has shown for at least a solid decade now, some things don’t need a remake. They need to be buried and never forgotten.
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My last pick was an edgy one, and this time I’m going right down the middle of the plate. This pick is a confluence of:
- an incredibly well-known, but bad, song
- written by a worse person
- performed in the worst possible way
What makes this a bad song?
- The way it makes your ears feel.
- It wasn’t originally a Christmas song. There’s no mention of Christmas at all.
What’s wrong with the guy who wrote it?
- While his father and brother took fiery stands against slavery, Pierpont became a staunch supporter of the Confederacy.
Well, you might say, maybe he supported the Confederacy because of a fervent belief in states’ rights. He wasn’t necessarily racist, right?
- The original song was dedicated to John Ordway, organizer of a troupe of white men who performed in blackface.
- An early playbill lists a performance of this song by Johnny Pell, described as a member of the “dandy darkies”.
so, yeah
What’s the worst possible performance?
You might think it’s the performance I just described. But no. The performance that I’m selecting is even worse.
With my fourth draft pick, I’m selecting Jingle Bells, by The Singing Dogs
And for any haters who are tempted to complain that this is an obscure gimmick that no one’s ever heard of, just know that I vividly remember hearing this song multiple times, I did not even have to google “worse Christmas songs” to think of it, and–most importantly–it hit #1 on the Billboard Christmas Singles chart.
Team so far:
- Dominick the Donkey
- Feliz Navidad
- Illegals in My Yard
- Jingle Bells, by The Singing Dogs
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Geez, they don’t even commit to the gimmick for the verse
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I had this picked out before spidercrab’s pick. It’s very similar, as it’s a shitty Jingle Bells rendition.
Still going with it, as I’ll argue it’s worse.
Why?
It’s more grating than dogs barking, doesn’t have the musical interlude break that The Singing Dogs did, and most importantly is a FULL MINUTE longer.
Presenting: Crazy Frog - Jingle Bells
And yeah, this made the charts too. Not in USA #1, where it rightfully saw no chart action. But it did hit top 5 in the UK, Australia, New Zealand, France, Spain and Belgium. And not some weak holiday chart technicality.
The real charts; the ones that say “these are the hottest songs right now”. Imagine Casey Kasem introducing this on the weekly top 40. The equivalent of that actually fucking happened all over Europe.