I hear this on the radio a few times every year, by which I mean, I hear the dogs start barking before I change the station. You’re crushing this draft so far, just covering a wide range of awfulness.
What in the everloving fuck was that? This thread is terrible! (In a good way)
This is incredible value. Probably the cringiest one yet.
Wow. Great find. I had not heard that one.
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My dad LOVED this song. I got tortured with it for a few years before he finally forgot about it.
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Why the hell not. I mentioned this above in as another horrific Australian Christmas song.
It’s not just Christmas. But for me, australian media growing up was well to wall this stuff. Bogan white men (or middle class white man) emphasizing this shallow stereotype of being Australian.
Utes. Beer in the esky. Back yard bbqs. Cricket. Aussie rules.
It’s made it very difficult for many australian men to know how to live as an adult. Because theres literally one idea of masculinity.
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I dont have a second one. I’ll keep trying but if next one wants to skip. Go for it.
On my way to see Legally Blonde: The Musical, so out for a while. Will try to remember to pick after I get home.
I have never understood the hate piled onto Wonderful Christmastime in a world where UNDRAFTED has not been banned from existence.
It’s not a great song, but imo it’s fine. Simple. Nothing offensive. Christmas-y.
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Several years ago I was trying to decide on a SE Asia destination to spend some time during my Summer break. One qualification was having an establishment I could spend a few afternoons watching/gambling on rugby and AFL.*
I saw a review for an Aussie-owned sports bar somewhere that mentioned the music played was entirely Australian pop songs from the 70s and 80s that only invoked embarrassment and cringe and zero nostalgia.
I feel like I’ve spent time in a dozen such establishments across Asia.
*Say what you will about the C-words but Australians have elite gambling sweat sports.
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Musical started late and went longer than I expected. Tired now so no flowery write-up.
Enjoy five full minutes of New Kids on the Block trying to be Run DMC.
New Kids on the Block - Funky, Funky, Xmas
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It’s … not a full frontal assault on the ears. It’s … not offensive. It’s just … bad. Yuck.
@spidercrab is on the clock!
LOL, DAMMIT. LOL. I have to find another song now. I suck.
The Dallas Chupacabres announced today that they are to be immediately relegated to the AAA League (Arizona Christmas League) and are forced to exit the major league draft due to gross incompetence.
A very frustrated front office staff member was quoted as saying, “We had no plan, no plan at all. Our scouting department led us to believe that we would sweep in with Elmo and Patsy and build the rest of the team around that colossally awful song. Yeah, they all got fired today. I heard the team flew in Elon Musk to deliver the news. Thought out it would take the sting out. We were like a bunch of baby seals . . .”
Well, sorry to see you go.
If any railbirds with hot takes on songs that should be drafted (@Mendoza), you’re welcome to take over the slot and make 4 picks right now.
Okay. 5th round pick. Out of turn.
Korn - Jingle Balls.
Actually extending the jingle bells streak again.
Why is this version worthy of entry.
Firstly. Because it’s so clearly boring, derivative and completely unnecessary.
But secondly, because it helps show Korn up for what they were. Part of an evolutionary dead end of music that kept beating a 35 old music genre to death even while everyone else was coming up with something new.
No law dont get me wrong. I enjoyed Korn in my day. But looking back. They are fucking awful.
Come at me bros.
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Like if you cry every time
The Love, Actually of songs
Just like with Love, Actually, one wonders if the author of these lyrics had actually made it through puberty. Were they asexual? Were they a robot or alien writing about human romance having been only exposed to a small random selection of inputs that led to such a wtf output?
Working minimum wage jobs as a young adult from 2005-2009 sucked. Besides being baked for as many shifts as possible I remember at just about every job there’d be at least one coworker roughly my age who’d express their love of Wham!. I specifically recall one connecting it to being an “old soul”. YOU’RE NOT AN “OLD SOUL”. YOU ARE A CHILD WHO ENJOYS CHILDISH THINGS.
“Last Christmas I gave you my heart
The very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special”
As far as I can tell there are two possible scenarios these lyrics could originate from.
- This guy did the Christmas equivalent of a not-100%-sure stadium proposal and his partner, having been put on the spot, accepted only to set it all straight the next day.
Pity this poor man’s family as Christmas approaches and he expresses his intent on repeating the whole big wet mess again.
- A hookup, that was never going to be anything more for the unnamed betrayer, escaped before breakfast because, what, would you want to stick around and play house for a few hours with this guy? And here we are a year later and this guy is still whining about it.
Man, nothing says relationship material like going on and on a year later about your last relationship in a manner that raises nothing but questions such as “Was this person aware they were in a relationship with you?”.
Going further, the melody is garbage and the lyrics don’t have any flow. Max Martin might have had a limited understanding of English grammar and slang, but his shit still worked. Meanwhile, if I’m being generous I’d assume this song was written in a foreign language and then translated into English in a way that ruined it.
Not that it still wouldn’t suck.
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That song does suck. But Korn was awesome. Follow the Leader and Issues were some of my favorite albums as an angsty, nu metal loving teenager in the 90s. Once I got to college, I stopped listening to their stuff though.
Also, it seems like Jingle Bells has the worst covers of any Christmas song ever.
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Pickings are getting slim. I’ve got a banger that I’m saving for my final pick. (I will absolutely stunned if someone snipes it.) But I’m really stuck right now. I’ve now read approximately 50 articles on the worst Christmas songs, and UNDRAFTED seems like the chalk pick. But I’ve never actually heard it in the wild, and I’m just not feeling it.
There are a few other contenders, but none of them feel right either. I don’t want to punch down on some random terrible singer, so UNDRAFTED’s Christmas album is out. And I want this to be a genuine Christmas song, and not a lazy parody, so UNDRAFTED and UNDRAFTED are out.
I finally landed on this one. I considered it earlier on and dismissed it. But now that I’ve listened to it a couple of times again, I’m picking it. It’s one of those terrible songs that is nonetheless an improbable earworm.
It’s really got it all:
- A famous (legendary!) singer
- A musical style that could best be described as a call-and-response beer hall polka
- Lyrics that build like a termite-infested scaffolding. This was really the kicker for me, and it doesn’t become apparent unless you listen more than halfway through the song. That silly little verse you hear at the beginning? The one that seemed innocuous at the time? Guess what - that’s going to be included in every subsequent verse, too. So this has the endlessly repetitive structure of 12 Days of Christmas (sorry, I know it’s undrafted, but I literally can’t think of another analogy). By the end of the song, you’re driven completely mad.
- I think there are people who might legitimately like this song.
- Bonus: a wild-ass video.
With my fifth pick of the draft, I select Must Be Santa, by Bob Dylan:
Team so far:
- Dominick the Donkey
- Feliz Navidad
- Illegals in My Yard
- Jingle Bells, by The Singing Dogs
- Must Be Santa, by Bob Dylan
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