#1 overall value right here, truly dreadful.
Also it depresses me every time I realize that Tiny Tim had a career in show business, brief though it was.
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Feliz Navidad is awful. Just dreadful
Abominable covers of old, even otherwise-beloved, songs are worthy picks.
Six
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Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer is a comedy song and does not belong imo. Songs should have to be Christmas songs that are relatively well-known and understood to be serious.
BAH, HUMBUG
Busy now, but should be able to do a decent write-up in about an hour or so.
A Christmas comedy song that utterly fails at being funny can most definitely be one of the worst Christmas songs of all time.
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Completely agree.
Apparently, “Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year” is supposed to be a comedy song.
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For my 2nd pick:
Michael Bublé - Santa Baby
For those wondering, yes, it is a cover of that Santa Baby first made famous by Eartha Kitt and covered by dozens of others. So right off the bat, it loses points because it’s completely unnecessary for another cover in 2011. But that by itself would hardly qualify it for this draft.
What does make it my pick here is the fact that he changes the lyrics as if to say “no homo” after each line but maybe that’s offensive so just change the words to make it more manly. He asks for things like a Mercedes and “Canucks tix”. He must have thought of that Canucks line while the city burned after the Stanley Cup finals that year.
And outside of the first two words, he never says “Santa Baby”. He says “Santa Buddy”, “Santa Pally”, and one time even says “Santa Poppy” (WTF?).
Now you would think that after putting this out to the masses, that this would be heavily damaging to one’s career. But no, the album with this song on it won the Juno award for Album of the Year. That’s right a goddamn Christmas album was considered the best album of any kind in all of Canada for the year 2011. Even the Grammys have more self-respect than that.
I’d say that this accomplishment might give me some kind of self-reflection that I’m the one who’s wrong. But the other nominees were monotone mumbly Drake, a past her prime Avril Lavigne, a Nickelback album which might not even be in the top 5 Nickelback album, and another fucking Christmas album, this one by Justin Goddamn Bieber.
What the fuck, Canada? I thought you were cool.
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I’m a weirdo that likes Christmas music but holy hell does this song suck. I’m so confused how this could have gotten made. Excellent choice.
Okay. Back to backs!
For my next pick. I want to introduce you all to he abominations that are australian Christmas songs.
These are all literally different versions of the same joke.
- it’s hot in Australia on Christmas day, and also
- we have kangaroos.
This has given has classics like
- Aussie Jingle Bells
- The 12 days of Aussie Christmas
- Santa wear your shorts
However, in order to pull something truly bad. I give you
Rolf Harris - 6 White Boomers
Its hard to describe how fucking omnipresent Rolf Harris was for us growing up in Australia, and to a similar extent in the UK. You might know him from “Tie me kangaroo down sport”
It’s a certain brand of insincere, kitsch, australianism.
However, what truly elevates this to god tier is the fact that Rolf was also a serial sexual abuser of young girls. Ranging from the long term abuse of his friends daughter, through to repeated groping of kids who came to his shows and concerts.
The fucker was sent to prison for a few years back in 2014ish, which as well as seeing justice done after decades of abuse, also meant we didnt have to hear this trash music as much. Unlike Michael Jackson, the music was not able to survive.
Given how frequently he groped kids, and that this was one of his most popular songs. It’s almost certain that this song has been an accessory to multiple actual crimes.
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“I died for your sins, but those pumps are unforgivable.”
Lmao.
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I might need a little more time for my next one. If someone wants to jump in, go for it.
3rd round pick.
Cliff Richard - Mistletoe and Wine.
My thoughts on this are best summed up by this YouTube comment.
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Never heard this one before, but great write up of an odious song. @eyebooger is back on the clock!
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I mentioned last write-up that Justin Bieber released a 2011 Christmas album.
Here’s a song from it. It’s terrible.
Justin Bieber - Drummer Boy
First off, Little Drummer Boy is terrible and there are no good versions of it. (Yes, I’m including that famous collaboration between [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]. It sucks. It just sucks a lot less than this.)
He starts with a synthetic drum beat and begins singing the lyrics we’ve all heard with his annoying teenage voice. Then at around 0:50, he starts rapping. What the fuck. No.
And then, inexplicably, Busta Rhymes shows up and raps a verse. Bieber follows with more standard Little Drummer Boy, followed by another rap.
After nearly four excruciating minutes, Bieber plays us out by repeating “I’m the drummer boy, so do it” several times. What does that even mean? Who knows, who cares.
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Sweet god these songs are so bad, great job everyone!
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