These songs are horrifying. This thread is basically a preview of hell.
2 Likes
Ugh, sorry all. New job and I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I need to back out as I’m just going to cause repeated delays at this point.
Well, one possibility would be to just not worry about your time slot and auto-skip you while you then make your picks on your own time. Would that work for you?
Or, if that is too much for you at this point, maybe we could convince @Lawnmower_Man or another rail bird to take your slot?
Congrats on the new job!
1 Like
Yes, I’ll write up my drafts and use the auto skip. Thank you!
Perfect. Feel free to submit your first pick at your earliest convenience, and your turn for your second will have probably (hopefully) passed by tomorrow afternoon. Or just PM me, and I’ll let you know how many selections you’re due.
Round 1, Pick 4
Quite possibly the most offensive Christmas song ever
And this wasn’t written recently. It would be bad enough if it was. It was written in 19-fucking-80 when the AIDS epidemic was in full swing and wiping people out. Factor that in with the mind-numbing music and Tiny Tim’s awful vocals and you have what I consider the worst Christmas song of all-time.
3 Likes
Oh wow it’s horrible. First pick that wasn’t on my radar at all, but absolutely worthy. I thought you’d be asleep, so I guess I’d better get on writing up my wheel picks.
1 Like
First pick is the most off-the-rack suit of a song you could ever possibly write, but if you think that’s bad, pick 2 has not one but two truck driver’s gear changes, modulating from G major in the opening verse up a whole step to A major in the chorus and 2nd verse, and then up another whole step for the 2nd chorus, bridge, and 3rd chorus. If you aren’t familiar, it’s the cheesest of cheeseball key changes in music, often appearing at the end of trash pop, pop/rock, and Christian songs to give an “uplifting” feeling.
So, I think @spidercrab laid out some worthy criteria for horrible Christmas songs:
I also think there is room for drafting truly horrible recordings or re-imaginings of songs that are generally good and popular, but I think our first picks should skew towards the irredeemable songs that have horrible melodies, horrible lyrics, and horrible themes, and that also are performed horribly. To that end, I’m elated to be able to draft:
with my first pick.
absolutely grating vocals
inane, simplistic melody
oh, let’s just pretend that “vehicular” homicide is in the spirit of Christmas
And, importantly
gets more play on corporate radio and other major sources than any song picked so far
This atrocity still gets played! Let’s make fun of our alcoholic grandma and mock her death!
In contrast with some earlier picks, you don’t have to, like, listen closely to the lyrics to want to turn this pile of shit off. If you’re not reaching for the skip button or radio dial in the middle of the very first “Grandma,” you must be tone deaf.
6 Likes
If you want another , this one has a classic use of the truck driver’s gear change at the end. There used to be a website devoted entirely to this modulation but was killed by the guy’s ISP due to repeated, unjustified DMCA requests.
1 Like
Is this snake draft? If so, I might be a bit late with my second round pick. Depends on when everyone before me picks.
For my second pick, I’m going to eschew the popular and overplayed. Instead, we’re going for the stuff that’s so bad it’s been attempted to be hidden by its creator as much as possible.
The Star Wars Christmas special was hidden as much as possible, but the evidence of its existence is still out there.
The only thing that seems to be worse that this song’s shoehorning of its lyrics in to the most simplistic of melodies is its shoehorning of Star Wars into Christmas for no fucking reason. The first thing us good Gentile girls and boys think about when it comes to Christmas is having a sufficiently round chimney so that R2-D2 can fit down it, obviously.
Team So Far:
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas
2 Likes
It is a snake draft, and you’re back on the clock.
It’ll be a bit. I’m at work and haven’t done much research.
How many picks do we each get?
Also. Speaking of research. I came across a video of lots of people on zoom singing along with a christmas song, singing to their absent families during covid and I cried like a fucking baby.
That whole period was so fucking traumatic.
1 Like
I have a question. What are we doing about modern covers of old Christmas songs? Do we have to draft the original or is a cover okay?
There it is, the worst Christmas song of all time.
1 Like
While that’s brewing, here’s my second round pick:
The Cheeky Girls are a Romanian duo that appeared on the British idol show “Popstars: The Rivals” in 2002. Despite not making it past the audition stage, they actually ended up getting a record deal and released this song to compete for the Christmas #1 in the UK in 2003. In the end, the song peaked at #10 that year and hasn’t been relevant since for obvious reasons.
3 Likes
I probably would have taken Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer this round - the song so bad that DJ Bad Janet creates the worst sound in history by mixing it with Puddle of Mudd on The Good Place:
Anyway, for this pick I’m drafting a song that literally no one will have to look up. This isn’t a “Let’s search the internet for the worst Christmas song ever. Oh, what’s this? My God, it’s terrible” discovery. Instead, it’s “Oh my God I forgot how much I hate this song and now it’s in my head and I hate you for putting it there and now I am renouncing Christianity so I never have to think about Christmas ever again.”
The defining attribute of this song is its mind-numbing repetition. You thought Dr. Seuss was impressive for using only 50 words to write Green Eggs and Ham? This song has 19 words. Nineteen.
The lyrical structure is incredible in its awfulness:
Sing the title
Sing the title again
Sing the title one more time
New line
Sing the title
Sing the title again!
Sing the title one more time [OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING]
Same 4th line as above
[Oh thank god we’re not repeating it for a third time, wait what are we doing this is even worse]
Sing the title, this time in English
Again, the title in English
AGAIN the title in English
[Repeat infinity times]
The lyrics are an abomination that could have been (were probably?) written by a first grader. The music doesn’t seem Christmasy at all. And somehow, this song that was written in 1970 CONTINUES to get massive airplay each year - in December 2020 it landed in the Billboard top 10. That’s 50 straight years of hot Christmas trash.
Doing the research, it seems that there are people who claim to actually like this song? Which I guess must be true for it to be played so much. But I cannot imagine knowing such a person. This song might, in all honesty, be my absolute least favorite thing about Christmas. I hate it with a passion. With my second pick of the draft, I select Feliz Navidad.
Team so far:
- Dominick the Donkey
- Feliz Navidad
5 Likes