Ladies and gentlemen, this is the 2020 Election SMACKDOWN!
Our headliner is a tag team contest. Our challengers, in the EXTREME FAR LEFT CORNER OF THE RING, are The Democrats, leading off with The Locomotive, the Destroyer from Delaware, the Muderer of Malarkey, the Conqueror of the Vermonster, JOSEPH BIDEN
He’s backed up by, from Oakland, Smokin’, the Bossecutor, Mamala Bear, Ms. Punctuation, the Chai Spice Oreo herself, KAMALA HARRIS.
And now, in the Center-Right corner of the ring, the undefeated champions of the world with a 1-0 lifetime electoral record, the Republicans, with the Bronze God, the Superspreader, the Faker of News, the Bankrupter of Busineses, THE DONALD TRUMP:
And backing him up, we have the Final Apprentice, the Miracle of Miracle Whip, the Lord of the Fly, the Man Married to Mother, MICHAEL PENCE
While this contest has been underway for weeks, today is the day we see results. Here are some times to know (from here, a great resource for all the details):
7 p.m. EST: First fully closed state poles, time to start drinking.
This is normally not all that exciting, as usually this just means Kentucky is the first state called, but Georgia closes then too, and it will be part of the tri-state Needle. Did someone say needle?
7:30 p.m. EST: OH and NC close.
Unlikely to be called quickly, but the counting starts, and NC is one of the Needle states.
8 p.m. EST: Major closures: FL, PA, MI, MN, ME, DE, MA, MD, CT, NJ, IL, RI, KS, MO, DC
This figures to be the time with the most immediate calls, as well as the time we start counting a ton of relevant states.
9 p.m. EST: Second biggest closure: WI, AZ, TX, CO, NM, NE, NY, WY, OK, TN, SD
This will be the main window when some of the swing states may be called.
10 p.m. EST: Last major swing states, IA, NV, MT, ID, UT
11 p.m. EST: WA, OR, CA, and unexpectedly, ND
Given the EVs over here and the reluctance of media outlets to call elections before all the votes in the state have been cast, this is likely the earliest the race could be called.
And by the way, Joe Biden is a 9:1 favorite.
