Even I can only go in circles so many times, but endless speculation is what I do.
For example, she may have never felt safe or comfortable walking away from a man she likes. But you might have been the person who made her feel safe and secure enough for her to ghost you and do so without shame or worrying you’ll murder her.
There was a situation where I thought she might be in trouble once but when I talked to her about it she assured me she’s never felt unsafe with one of her guy friends. She likes men and the feeling is mutual.
It sucks to be on the receiving end of these things, but sometimes they really are done by the other person for a good reason.
She knows me about as well as anyone. I expect she had a good idea how I’d feel and react. As you say, I may never know why she thought this was the optimum thing to do.
I’m going to “well, actually” the bolded, sorry. According to narrative theory of human behavior, NTHB™, you act in accord with your personal story which of course hasn’t been fully written yet. Future chapters only exist in your imagination. They can be good for the hero, or bad. Direct communication may be the highest EV play, but it might shut off some of the good possibilities. That’s a long-winded way of saying your fantasies may not survive if you’re direct. That’s a kind of loss.
If you contact her you’re not going to get the truth. Accept it and think optimistic thoughts bc those are the most likely to actually be true here. Reaching out could taint her memories of you tho due to whatever her reply/defense mechanism would entail and then recency bias and all that.
If you were to communicate something down the road to get personal closure, sure, I guess. It all depends what your goals are here. She’s moved on. She likely is ghosting her other guy friends and if not you should take it that you were more than a friend (glass half full) and now she has a partner.
She almost assuredly already knows you’d be okay just being friends. What are you looking for beyond that or from there?
Hey, Dodger. I agree with most of your statements here. The question at the end I have no answer for. Maybe the story doesn’t so much end as it just stops. There comes a time there aren’t so many 'morrows left.
Even if you wouldn’t have circled back to talking marriage with her she likely does say bye to you but still doesn’t maintain any type of real relationship of note with you.
At least you shot your shot a bit and don’t regret that as the goodbye wouldn’t be worth that trade-off.
That’s another actual Act III. I’ve been there a bunch but it never lasts. I think a lot of people take themselves off the market because the pain of rejection is brutal.
It’s possible you will bail on the whole thing, but you can’t make that decision in the immediate aftermath of loss. Like, literally, you can’t, you just don’t know.
Sure, again sorry that life has changed this abruptly on you (on top of everything else you’ve had to deal with).
You not having an answer for that goes along with why she wouldn’t say bye. She may be in the same boat (likely) and then what?
I’d get that question answered personally and then we’ll try to help you proceed if you still want opinions. If you just want to have something of the final word than I could help cultivate that right now, you can say you understand her positions but just want her to know X. If your goal is to try to hold onto a piece of what you had and merely stay in her life, I’d just give it time and then reach out. Maybe she’ll invite you to the wedding and this will solve itself.
Right, I’m saying you would have regretted not firing it. Would’ve maybe got a goodbye but a whole lot more ‘what ifs’ with the same ultimate outcome.
The what if you would’ve reacted differently back in the day is the stinger but your instinct is likely right that it wasn’t serious. She used you emotionally all along would be the glass half empty view.
I would alternate between fuck her and self-pity (while empathizing with her position and loathing myself for feeling any judgment) so you’re really handling all this very admirably.
For now I just want to get to a stable place mentally and begin to piece together a life again. These questions I have won’t go away, but they belong in the background.
She used you emotionally all along would be the glass half empty view.
Yeah I’ve thought that maybe I was a cat’s paw for her to get what she wanted then didn’t need me anymore. But there’s no real reason to believe that.
I would alternate between fuck her and self-pity (while empathizing with her position and loathing myself for feeling any judgment) so you’re really handling all this very admirably.
I’ve done that back and forth too. I don’t think you can really avoid it, if you’re human. Thanks for all the thoughts.
True. I’ve thought I was done before but it didn’t work out that way. I do have a lot of work to do in other areas and it’s really time I start to focus on that.
I know I’m not the only one who’s faced this. I don’t know how people do it-- how they get together, how they pick themselves up and try again. Some can be very casual with relationships. Others even callous. It seems like there’s no escape from hurting each other even with the best intentions.
You never attempting to sleep with her and talking to her about marriage may color her perception of you so reaching out after some time may indeed rekindle some degree of friendship (may). But I mean, you’re never going to be close again for multiple reasons after this (#1 may be her desire) so the most healthy thing is just moving on.
I’d choose to look at it the most charitable way possible but accept it and let that be her goodbye. I understand that it’s easy to say from afar but it’s objectively true imo.
With how you’ve said you’re wired: I think you did the right thing by ideally finding a real friend first (infrequent occurrence and explains the degree of your heartache [again with it being a compounding thing]) but I would def narrow it to someone you’re not going to be insecure (for whatever reason) about pursuing the possibility of romance with.
Ultimately I gave up dating for a long time but there were extenuating circumstances with wanting to prioritize my kids. What you’re looking for is something genuine so it’s tough to be overly optimistic, I get it.
eta: reinstated and deleted my personal anecdote paragraph that wasn’t really adding anything to my point and I was tiring of editing
@DodgerIrish You say you’re deleting, so I won’t quote. Hopefully this response still makes sense.
Hey, I held out for seven years before I caved to M. What do these women want from me?! I’m joking-- in the end I’m a total sucker for that kind of attention and probably always will be.
All it takes is that “one”.
My misgivings with M were multiple. Not her fault or mine. I wish I’d been more open about that with her.
Maybe I should have started the story from the beginning. It would make more sense but it would get really long.