Had a third date with someone last night, and it went really well. They are about 10 years younger than me, we have a bunch of common interests, and she kisses great. So far, no red flags except she’s not a morning person.
She also doesn’t text much, which is not any kind of a flag but I find also inhibits keeping up communication between seeing someone. I’m not talking about a constant stream of texting, though I’m not against that. But it’s unusual in my experience not to develop some kind of ongoing exchange when you start seeing someone. But perhaps that could change if things progress. Or maybe her way is actually healthier.
Have had varying degrees of communication in relationships but it’s typically a near constant stream of text messages throughout the day and evening. But, I am also a very fast responder, and don’t know how to set boundaries. It feels codependent a lot of times.
I wouldn’t mind the opposite. I’m not a big texter these days.
[quote]Anyway, the whole thing confused the hell out of me. Like most here, I’m highly analytical and always want to know why people act the way they do. I think that can make dating incredibly frustrating at times, since you can never know what the other person is thinking, whether they’re dating other people, their history, etc. It’s so easy to turn this confusion inwards and start having thoughts like “what did I do wrong?” and making it about you when it may have nothing to do with you at all.
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Just ask directly.
Communicating directly is a learned skill that most people lack. We’re conditioned to avoid sayting things people don’t want to hear (primarily, “no.”) And so you may not get an answer. But it’s good practice, since you have zero to lose. I find that direct communication is an amazing tool that can help me to cut through my own akwardness at times, and allows me to express my own desires directly and better understand where someone else is at.
I also find that communicating directly and honestly with people can be a very attractive quality, at least for and in the type of person I want to be around.
That’s all different from being a blunt asshole, of course. You can communicate directly and with compassion, which is key.
Yeah, I typically enjoy this. My job is boring, I’d rather flirt with someone and laugh than doomscroll all day. If we keep seeing each other, it will be interesting to find out if and how it evolves.
Really, the morning-person thing could be an issue. I’ve struggled in the past, dating people who are content to stay in bed until 11 a.m. or noon.
That’s funny. I was actually thinking about this exact topic last night. I was reading through Mark Manson articles that other people had posted itt and came across one about flirting that I found fascinating.
I actually communicate directly in just about every aspect of my life with the exception of sex. Even in other dating contexts I’m quite direct. But showing sexual interest or asking directly for sex has always felt awkward to me, and that Manson article really resonated because there was an absolute TON of shaming around sex in the area I grew up.
Yes, sex has been shamed and shamed and shamed, in the culture where I grew up (Southerm US).
This is in no way a criticism, just an observation. I’m not a fan of the phrase “asking” for sex. I think it implies a strange power imbalance, and seems to include the idea that one party doesn’t want it but does it anyway.
But none of this is easy, particularly around sex. The woman I mentioned earlier, we made out for a while listening to music but I am nervous about how to move it to the next level. Which is strange, because here I am extolling the virtues of direct communication. I still struggle with this stuff–and like you said, it’s even harder around sex.
Over the summer I dated a woman who was partnered and poly, and it was truly eye opening how directly she communicated, even about sex. That really helped me see the potential in communicating this way. But it’s still super hard sometimes.
Yeah, I have no idea what to make of the aggressive cuddling since that seems like something you do with a romantic interest.
Adding “in a romantic context” to the end of the text seemed intentional to me, but could mean quite opposite intentions - either wanting to just be friends or just wanting sex.
Yeah, obviously not knowing the tone there, I can’t read it. Maybe I’m wrong? … If she had this heavy empasis on the “IN A ROMANTIC CONTEXT … WINK WINK,” then yeah, I can see it. … I guess with the cuddling, since you said she initiated it multiple times, maybe she felt like you pulled away? Of course, it can be hard to sleep wrapped up with someone. I almost always start out with my arm around someone and then turn back over …
I cuddle with a body pillow every night because it helps me sleep and definitely cuddle with people i dont give a shit about, I dont think it means anything
Right, agreed. And here I am using that phrase because it’s so conditioned into me. I think you could argue the entire PUA movement is centered around this idea of having to like trick women into sex.
No, I haven’t had any contact with her in months. In words, she expressed concern and affection for me right up to the end. Our last text exchange was me apologizing for not stopping to talk when we crossed paths (she on her way to work, me panting my way up the hill on my bike with a backpack full of groceries). Her response was a simple “No worries!”
I genuinely don’t know what the most adult, grown-up, mature thing to do is (or if I’d do it if I did know). But I feel like her actions leading up to her disappearing mean she does not want to hear from me. Some significant occasions when she would have certainly have texted me in the past have also come and gone. Whatever her reasons are, I’m taking my cue from her.
I never got into PUA stuff because I think it’s misogynistic garbage, but I went from a 21 year old virgin to having a fair amount of success with women by just being myself, which admittedly is a bit of a blunt asshole, and by learning to pick up signals. Also not letting rejection get to you is huge, and me being ADHD this is something I struggle with.
Women, IME, (and men do it too albeit a bit differently) communicate a lot by what they aren’t saying directly.
I’m pretty sure if I slept with a woman and she told me she no longer wanted to meet romantically I would not take this as a rejection and would immediately say “i’m fine with something casual.” I don’t think he should take it as a rejection. It’s been my personal experience that if a woman sleeps with you once, unless you totally sucked ass or were creepy as fuck she will sleep with you again. Sometimes even years and years apart, IME.
But if you’re interested in endless speculation, there are other possibilities that are more optimistic.
For example, she may have never felt safe or comfortable walking away from a man she likes. But you might have been the person who made her feel safe and secure enough for her to ghost you and do so without shame or worrying you’ll murder her.
It sucks to be on the receiving end of these things, but sometimes they really are done by the other person for a good reason. You play a part in them having good romantic experiences when they keep seeing you as much as how you respond when they don’t.
That’s a way to preserve ego and save face. I’d say something a little more honest with his goal being to actually be friends again.
I don’t know what to say tho. She’s right, if she’s not going to want to be friends there’s no real point. She’ll either give him lip service but they’ll never really be friends again, let alone close, or she’ll just explain to him why she doesn’t think platonic friendships work in practice (outside of exceptions, I largely agree with her [acquaintances are different]).
I’ve never been the type that can stay friends with ex’s. Not sure why. One of my closest friends who is happily married has remained good friends with several of his ex’s.