If you absolutely don’t want kids, then yeah it’s probably not going to work. The only thing I’d add is that having a kid is nothing like having a dog. Parental love is a truly unique experience. It’s unlike anything else. That can be good, but it also makes it really really hard to make an informed decision ahead of time.
It also makes it hard to make an informed decision after the fact. Just because you biological programming kicks in after you had a kid doesn’t mean you are happier than you would have been.
Sure…but that doesn’t bother me personally. If I’m happy, then I’m not worried that I could have been happier. My main goal is avoiding crying on the couch listening to old episodes of Love Line. YMMV .
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Thats cool and I’m genuinely glad that you’re happy. I am just saying that one has to live with the uncertainty either way. And sadly lots of people do have kids that ultimately make them very unhappy. There are no sure things.
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Yea, there is uncertainty. I’ve never had kids so I don’t know for sure how my life would be or how my perception of it would be. It’s just a very strong hunch based on how I am now, like my likes/dislikes, and how I think I would be. I think the similarities with kids and puppies are the whole “another being that occasionally frustrates you and your life has to revolve around it” aspect, which is what I’m struggling with right now. But for puppies, it’s like a year or so before they mellow out. For a kid that’s an 18 year commitment, and that’s terrifying. It’s pretty close to a deal-breaker for me at this time and I just don’t see how that would change any time soon.
Going to start online dating again very soon. Going to start with bumble/hinge and maybe throw in some tinder.
Will document my experiences here. I’ve been out of the game for about 3 years but doubt it’s changed much. I’m gonna be really douchey and include a pic of me and my car, but try to make it clear that I’m not (that much of) a douche. Idk how to do that yet but I’ll figure it out.
I’m gonna be very honest what I’m looking for which is casual dating. I’m open to serious dating but they’d have to really blow my socks off for that to happen. I’m not gonna do the thing I used to do and convince myself a girl was worth dating just to satisfy her want for a relationship, because that leads to people getting hurt and me feeling shitty about myself for it.
I mostly see this as an intractable problem where one of you will have to compromise on something major, kids, which is unlikely to happen. But I do think you can probably improve the way you view your puppy and possibly alleviate some tension between you two. Some of it is you just have to genuinely not be angry about it. But also, you can probably find ways to make the dog less central to your own life and your relationship with some effort.
Note also that the dog will likely be less onerous when it grows up a bit. And that happens a lot quicker than humans.
Sympathize with the dog thing. I think most dogs are way too fucking needy and need too much attention, and it drives me nuts. I also don’t want kids for the same reason. If I met someone as perfect as you described though - I’d bite the bullet and probably end up having one. People like that don’t come around much.
Ftr i’m not a parent or a dog parent and also not looking for an argument but i think the emotional attachment to a child is far greater and stronger than the typical attachment to an animal. I don’t think it’s really comparable at all. I know people form very strong emotional bonds with their pets, but it’s just different with a human being.
It feels a bit like you love your life the way it is and don’t want anything to change. For some people, life is about growth, life is about change, life is not about capturing the perfect moment and never letting it go.
I’m certainly no relationship expert, but from the outside looking it, it feels like the relationships that last are the ones where people evolve together in a mutually beneficial way. So, ask yourself, how do you want to be different and better ten years from now? Twenty years from now? And that doesn’t mean you have to become someone who wants to be a father and it certainly doesn’t mean you need to map out your entire life, but if you don’t love your job and you hate your city, then do you expect to move on from those?
You say you have personal and societal reasons for not wanting to have children. Those are things you need to talk to her about. Maybe you need to talk to someone else before you talk to her. Without knowing what they are, I can’t tell you how valid your reasons are or if there are ways to work around them. I can say that I desperately wish that I was the kind of person who I thought could be a good parent, but I know that I’m not and it would take a good woman who believes in me in a way that makes me believe in myself before I could even consider putting myself in a position to be a father.
If she really wants kids, then I feel like the fair thing to do is to tell her how you feel and give her the option to find someone who she can have children with before she is too old. Maybe she will decide to stick around despite all that.
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It’s natural to have these feelings, but that doesn’t necessarily make the feelings rational. The fear of the unknown can cause us to have feelings related to future uncertainty that are irrationally too high or too low. Don’t beat yourself up for having feelings. Use introspection and reflection along with conversations with people who you respect as a means of processing those feelings. You’re doing that now. Give yourself credit for that.
I’m like you, never wanted kids, still don’t. If human development from conception to college graduation took 6 years, then sure, maybe sign me up for that. But two decades, nope.
I’m early 40’s now, and was in a relationship much like yours a decade ago. A partner who I had no complaints about–smart, funny, easy on the eyes. The difference in desire for procreating was one of the primary causes of us splitting up. On the one hand I couldn’t really imagine finding a better match, but I also couldn’t envision being happy in a life that revolved around parental responsibilities. So, we split up. We both experienced really deep grief at the loss of what we had together. It wasn’t an easy process for either of us.
It’s now a decade later, and my current partner and I are both on the same page when it comes to kids. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in a relationship. I’m genuinely one hundred percent me. When we are out and about and see toddlers throwing tantrums with harried parents trying their best to appease them, we exchange hi-fives.
I share this simply as an example of someone who was in a similar position to yours and had similar fears. Your path will be uniquely yours, but I’ve found that happiness and gratification in life proceeds from being true to oneself.
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Always good to know what your aim is.
That should help get the message across.
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Some great posts, thanks all. MC I find your post to be very similar to what I assume I will be like 10 years from now, so it definitely helps to hear.
This is a good post and some good points. I don’t expect to stay the same forever, and definitely saw/see her as someone I could grow with. I guess the summary of it is that I see children as preventing the change I am aiming for. A major downside of having children is becoming more tied to work as a means of providing. DINK Life means I don’t have to work until I’m 60 just to put my kid through college. This reality of having children in this country threatens my true desire for a life change: going from having a job to not having a job as quickly as possible and being free to do things that I consider fun: being outdoors, traveling, etc.
I don’t want this to become a derail on the merits of having or not having children, though–that conversation is better suited for a one-on-one with my partner. Just trying to wrap my head around the decision I’m kinda faced with right now.
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Lol, no.
Try lifelong commitment. You dont stop being a parent when they leave.
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I’m getting emotional here, guys. I wish my 5-year-old would stay 5 a few more years.
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The most important part of NBZ’s post is you need to talk to her about it. Everything you mentioned in your first post is a great place to start and find out what her feelings are. You’ll either find out that you’re too incompatible in that area to continue together and you both have the chance to move on, or it becomes something that you decide how to make work together.
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Agreed, and that was already part of the plan–though it’s scary to think about because there’s so much riding on the outcome of that conversation.
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lol came here to say this, plus the idea of “leaving” at 18 is getting a little antiquated. My oldest is graduating from college in a few weeks and headed right back home, and I fully expect/support the idea of staying home until she’s really established. My wife and I never felt we’d do our kids any favors by shoving em out of the nest when they’re under-earning at the beginning and give them something else to stress about.
As far as having kids goes, yeah there are a ton of things that can turn to shit if you have to be talked into it. I mean I love my kids and I like 'em, both of which are important, and I don’t think that happens unless you were all in on the decision. Kids can sense the resentment if it’s there, or recognize that you pushed most of the responsibility on mom because “she’s the one that wanted them”, or whatever, and then you have a house full of people with issues and it sucks.
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This is the reason why if you’re 30-35 dating ~25 year olds is like shootin fish in a barrel right now. Most guys in that age range are still living at home. People are frequently doing it into their late 20’s.
I moved out still in my teens (not by choice) and have been supporting myself financially since I could legally work and can’t really understand it. It seems like in a lot of cases they’re not even staying home out of necessity, but by preference.
Went thru my 20s and 30s, absolutely sure I didn’t want kids. Now I’m a 40s years-old dude and I find myself open to the idea. So, you know. Peoples change.