Damn. Sorry to hear that. A shit ton of families have effectively been busted up by Trump being elected. It has definitely made my mother and I distant.
People don’t have to continue toxic relationships just because the other party is family. It is heathy and good to cut toxic people out of your life.
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Adults that act befuddled about their awful parents confuse me a little. You have a lifetime of trauma and scar tissue and coping mechanisms to deal with them, don’t you? No? Just me? O_o
If my mom wrote me that letter I’d shrug and say “okay well let me know if/when you ever want to see your grandkids enough to get the needle” and disengage.
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Thing is that my parents were pretty awesome when I was a kid. I was lucky to have them.
I only have my mother now. She’s always had right-wing views but wasn’t as hateful as she is now. She wasn’t afraid of basically every group that isn’t white either. Thankfully, she’s able to put politics aside in mixed company.
I’ve become good at not engaging her when she goes in this direction. Simple process:
- She goes off
- Wait for her rambling to run out of steam (she starts slowing up after a few minutes)
- Completely disregard rambling and shift the topic to something else
Deplorables want a response whether positive or negative. Refuse to engage and they don’t get their treat.
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Yeah when you’re forced to endure that for a long time that “disengagement” turns into disassociation as a coping mechanism. Thankfully if you’re an adult capable of supporting yourself you can set up boundaries and only have to endure it when you choose to. If you’re broke or young or otherwise disenfranchised it can really, really suck =(
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I mean if you have deplorable family members over 30, they’ll never change their views. Never engaging is the only way to go if you want to have them in your life.
But teenagers and 20 somethings still haven’t fully formed their world view. Many of them can be reasoned with. I went from social conservative in my late teens (due to parental influence) to libertarian in my early/mid 20s and economically left in my upper 20s.
Best thing that ever happened to me was travelling. Granted, I would’ve moved left over time anyway but I’d probably be more in the center without experiencing and living in other countries.
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But that’s optional
From my stepsister, in response to a question from her aunt asking if her father (who has been staying with us and had covid right after we had it) had gotten his first shot. She’s been estranged from him for most of her life, and he’s spent more time with us than with her, but I didn’t go there. She seems well-versed on how antibodies work in general, while being completely clueless about this virus in particular, apparently thinking it’s like chicken pox. In fairness, she did indicate that she was “confused.” I blocked her.
Over 30 seems a bit low. When I was 30, I think I still identified as an Anarcho-capitalist lol. Maybe the “deplorable” thing is key, cuz once they go down that path… But the Trump presidency just ended, some of these people might be reformed in the coming years. I know, I know, sweet summer child.
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Pretty wild how many of them would still decline despite the threat. The majority of these people seem absolutely unwilling to inconvenience themselves in any way despite the potential cost.
In a sea of good Riverman takes I always nod along and remind myself of this everytime I read it. Good shit.
Pretty much my exact story word for word.
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My family is odd, my parents’ generation is basically all right-wing, 3h of Fox News everyday, small business owners. They are also good parents and great to the people around them and the kind of Christians who have read the whole Bible. They’re a little racist and live in a place that’s like 95% white, they bitch about the white grievance Fox bullshit and make fun of trans people. I would classify their racism as ignorant, rather than hateful and my generation also includes a couple adopted POC who are every bit as much a part of the family as anyone else.
They also provided good educations to their kids and sent them out to experience the world, so my generation is politically absolutely nothing like them. They’re still never gonna fucking change so we just (for the most part) don’t talk politics because we would rather enjoy our time together.
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I used to believe that my family’s racism was ignorance. However, ignorant people can become informed and corrected. They’ll adjust their views and behavior when faced with information that shows them to be wrong.
When they don’t, it’s hatred.
Zara absolutely no offense meant here but everyone has a different relationship with their parents. I know you have a super strong relationship with your mom, so it’s probably hard/painful to even imagine what it would be like if it was a different way… but for a lot of people it’s very different.
Something to keep in mind when you try to empathize with people who have bad relationships with their parents is that telling them ‘but she’s your mom’ is not helpful or empathetic. In fact the way we tend to receive it as being told that we owe our parents and we are bad children. This is pretty unpleasant since I absolutely 1000% guarantee you that any variety of toxic parent has been weaponizing that sense of guilt and obligation since before we can remember.
Honestly it’s one of those situations where if you grew up with two even partially functional parents (I know your relationship with your dad isn’t as good… imagine if he was the best parent you had by like 500%) where it’s very difficult to imagine what it would be like without direct personal experience.
The important thing you must keep in mind though is that when it comes to toxic parents the desired end state for the person with toxic parents absolutely isn’t them making up with their parents and having some kind of relationship. Their parents are bad people who will never do anything but hurt them and the sooner they realize that they can just cut them off the better. The toxic parent won’t like it, but I care about as much about their feelings as they do about the feelings of others.
I don’t know who needs to hear it but if your parents couldn’t be bothered to give you a decent or better childhood and in fact actively abused/neglected you, you don’t owe them anything and will be much better off without them.
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So much this. You can’t (and sometimes shouldn’t try to) reach everyone.
Being conditioned and manipulated into accepting everything “because it’s family” is one of the most insidious forms of abuse. Kicked puppies are often passionately, violently attached to their abusive owners.
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I guess. This woman’s mother is flying more than one red flag in one interaction. Riverman was doing what you should do in that spot IMO which is tell someone that it’s OK to cut that person off. That’s the hard thing to do that people need support with, not making up with the asshole in their life.
“But its your mom” is exactly the sentiment terrible parents have been weaponizing against their children since forever.
The thing that makes it so hard to make healthy choices is that toxic parents train their children from birth to buy in to extremely unhealthy thought patterns. Human beings are hard wired to seek approval from parents, that’s just how the human brain works. This is the cheat code toxic parents use to get what they want. Often they’re just perpetuating what they experienced and they don’t really know they’re doing it, but that doesn’t make things any less miserable for the victim.
It is almost impossible to see this in your own life without a lot of therapy, and even then, with a trained professional guiding you, it is extremely painful and difficult to act on the information in a healthy way. A basic, common example would be grandparents who offer constant unsolicited parenting advice to their children. This is not acceptable behavior, but if called out the grandparent will almost always default to “I just care about them, I’m just trying to help,” and the like. It is very very very difficult, even for a grown, otherwise mature and successful adult, not to default to “yeah, they’re just trying to help, I’m a bad person for getting mad.” But they’re going to keep feeling terrible until they set a boundary and enforce it.
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If your standard for having a close relationship with someone is they not do things that annoy you you’re going to be lonely. Unsolicited parenting advice definitely doesn’t make one toxic. Most types of politics don’t either.
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