Dealing with Deplorable Family and Friends

I didn’t read any rules so if we’re throwing old 1st posts onto the same type threads please edit as necessary.

I was born and raised in a rural/suburban town that’s 95+% white and catholic (like lots of other New England towns). Needless to say it was VERY conservative. So I was conservative. My mom even sent me to catholic school from K-8. In the 7th grade we had to write a paper about our faith. Even though I had a 40 year olds understanding of the new testament I never found god there.

When given the option by my mom, I jumped at the chance to go to the local public high school (for the girls mostly if we’re being honest). And then public university. I ended up out kicking my coverage and marrying an awesome Jewish chick which as one could imagine caused a bunch of controversy (on hers and my side).

So I’ve been dealing with “deplorable” before it was cool. I’ve got family/friends/locals when I’m back in that hometown that don’t balk at saying the “N” word around me. I’ve heard it my entire life about “them” having all “my money” as well.

From the antisemitism to the straight N-word using racists I’ve learned the best way to deal with that shit is head on. Make them uncomfortable. Call them out. I have ruined many a family gathering by addressing it assertively. The really fun situations happened when someone used a Jewish slur around me, not knowing about my then gf now wife. They got put in their place when learning my wife’s grandmother was born in the early 1920s and put in a concentration camp who still has the tattoo on her left forearm (still alive at 98 years young). I can discuss them for those interested.

Now, some folk are just plain ignorant. For example, many years ago, I told my mother when I was in college I was dating a Jewish chick and she’d be coming to our family’s Thanksgiving. “Does she/her family celebrate thanksgiving” was the response.


Coolerwifey and my mom now have a closer relationship than I do now with my mom. Freaking text all day every day with each other. So there are success stories.

I’ve posted on the other place about some interactions but luckily I haven’t had to have any awkward conversations with family or close friends in a while due to being direct with them years ago. It doesn’t stop some of them from expressing their feelings. But if/when it does come up, my advice is just face it head-on. For 99% it’s not going to change their position on politics but I think it’s something that simply needs to be done.

*(I would love if i could add a footnote here to just lay out that the majority of my family/friends are not terrible even though this post makes it seem like it.)


Longterm girlfriend who voted for Trump broke up with me so I avoided that disaster.

“Does she/her family celebrate thanksgiving”

Don’t think I could have resisted saying, “Of course not–they’re Jewish.”

Yea, same here. It was the day of the Parkland shooting. I used to live near the school about 10 years ago and would walk by it all the time. It was Valentine’s Day too LOL. She told me to get out of the country if I didn’t support the 2A. I’ve always wondered how many couples broke up that night. I can’t have been the only one.

Can we count work colleagues?

In the middle of a work meeting. Being pitched by an external company.

Sales person “you have to haggle with them like its (something) market”

I didnt hear properly, but from the below, i assume it was somewhere in thailand/asia.

My white boss then puts on a super stereotyped asian accent and pretends to be haggling over a price. (Twice)

Entirely white meeting all laugh.

Whats my play?

If you need the job, I’d laugh it off. It’s better to pick your battles and I’m not sure that’s a battle worth picking. You can always make a mental note for future occurrences.

But if you give zero fucks, yea call him out on it.

I grew up in a town comparable to OP’s in the Midwest.

Back for a visit 40 years on, visiting with a HS friend, his wife started yapping about fags. I had to say something, so I said if any of my kids were gay, I would not want them ostracized. That worked – we moved to another topic.

Point being that although OP’s confrontation is good, sometimes there are softer, more effective responses – if we can come up with them in the moment.

Yea and as soon as you left, your buddy called you a fag behind your back for being so sensitive.

Poker face

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A group of us from work used to hit the pub at 4pm each Friday to down a few pints most weeks. They’re a funny bunch of guys, including the subject of this post who I shall call Billy.

Billy’s from Northern Ireland, Derry in fact (Londonderry to him of course), and being gregarious and outgoing is popular at work and socially. He is, however, a steaming racist, and on several occasions after a few pints has vented racist angry racism about immigrants, including one embarrassing scene where he got into a row with a barman in another pub and shouted at him to “Go back to whichever shit hole part of Eastern Europe you come from.”

I called him out each and every time for his racism, only to have him vehemently deny it, becoming quite upset by the accusation until finally one day early last year he replied “So what if I am racist, I’m entitled to my views?”. lol

The friction between us grew steadily and finally came to a head a year ago when, at the end of what had been a great night with three of us, Billy made a highly derogatory remark about my wife who he knows is foreign and who he’s never met or even seen a photo of.

The following day at work I told him privately what I thought of him. He gave a weasel “apology” (“If I offended you…”) and I’ve have had nothing to do with him socially since, avoiding every occasion where he’s been present.

Although with one exception they’ve condemned his behaviour verbally to me, the others in the group have divided loyalties: most have known Billy far longer than they’ve known me, and the rift has created a problem for them - I go out for drinks with some/any of the others on different days now to avoid him like the plague that he is.

If I was intending to stay at my workplace for the foreseeable future I’d have to resolve this somehow because he works in my department of ~70 people, but as I’m planning on retiring once the mortgage is paid off (early next year?) to do something different it doesn’t seem worth it.

I wonder if anyone else here has has similar problems with racist idiots in the workplace?

So glad my current workplace is super-left.

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Yeah, this is the City and man are there a lot of cunts everywhere.

To nobody’s surprise, “Billy”'s racism only became super-obvious after the 2016 referendum result, obviously feeling somewhat vindicated in his bigotry. He’d make a good case study for sociology students.

Yeah, stone face.

i don’t talk to a few kids i was friends with in lawschool anymore because of blow-up type arguments over deplorable stuff. one got real into the IDW and peterson youtubez, another is real “bootstrappy” even though his parents had a plane while he was growing up…

Thats what i went with.

In hindsight i should have said something.

Perhaps “x (my partner)'s aunt works in a market”

My partner is asian. Boss knows this.

A big part of doing these interactions well is planning in advance. So a thread like this is good.

My rugby club participated in a study on how to reduce homophobia in sport.

Basically it trialled different approaches among teenagers.

What seemed to work was some training for them to just look at the other person stoney face when anyone makes a “fag” or “thats gay” reference.

Non confrontational but still clear.

My go to in the above scenario is a combination of “sheesh. Its 2019 dude” and jokingly saying “you’re better than this”

Of course. This only works on people who think they are better than that. Not true deplorables.

I posted to this thread on EP, but new information is available. My deplorable dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and he told me on July 3. Both he and my stepmom choked up when they told me, but were able to stop blubbering immediately when they saw I wasn’t joining in. I thought it was odd because I can’t turn genuine emotion off like a faucet. I noticed some confused babbling before he dropped the news and wasn’t shocked at all, but now he wants to make up for lost time and basically wants me to move in. I visited again last weekend and it’s still the same bullshit. We got on the topic of comedians, I suggested Bill Barr to them and they gushed about and recommended Ron White, so I suggested Sarah Silverman to them. That recommendation was not well received. I hung out long enough to see similarities between my dad’s speech and Trump’s. He kept trying to say the word “state”, but he’d say “slate” instead and when he tried to correct himself he’d say slate again a few times before getting it right. It was almost identical to Trump’s origins vs. oringes episode. I’d be willing to bet he never develops trouble with the word “cunt” though. Not looking forward to whatever comes next, but at least he was extreme enough early on for me to realize that I would probably be cut from the will for being a libtard and never considered an inheritance as part of my retirement plans. Yippee. Now the USA#1 healthcare system gets to cash in instead. Or maybe Ted Cruz or Patriot Prayer Network–they had mail from both of those entities sitting on the counter while we sat around and shot the shit on the 3rd. I guess my only hope for a few inheritance dollaz is Bernie or Liz winning in 2020 and successfully eliminating the for-profit health care system. Not holding my breath for that outcome.

Wow @ripdog I’m so sorry about your situation. Alzheimers is a tough break. Hopefully your dad doesn’t cut you out of the will due to political differences. I was extremely opposite to my dad politically but somehow we still managed to get along ok. I think my dad probably did moderate himself a little when I was around though as I was extremely vocal if I disagreed with him. Having a sense of humour helps, I’d just take the mickey out of him and then things would move on. If it helps any, no inheritance was withheld from me due to my political leanings so I wouldn’t write your dad off yet, he clearly wants contact with you and to be a bit closer.

sorry to hear about your dad. alzheimer’s/dementia is a bitch. my grandmother had alzheimer’s and my father passed away last year from parkinson’s and dementia.

i would advise you to tell your mom to quickly learn to do all the finances if she doesn’t already. for my boomer mom it came as a shock as she had never done them and it was pretty brutal. my dad fell quickly into writing checks for hundreds of dollars to random churches he saw on tv or infomercial people. thankfully i caught most of them and was able to stop payment on the ones that were already sent.(my mother had no idea you could call the bank to stop payment on checks)…

with the way the republican party is now, they will be grifted HEAVILY if people find out.

Dimentia advice. It’s better if they familiarise themself with a place before it gets too bad.

I.e. no matter what hes forgotten, he will know where he is.

Conversely. My hope for trump is he spends his last demented years in prison and goes through the pain of being reminded this every 15 minutes.