What about removing the comma before ‘and’?
I feel like “jubilant” and “female” are unnecessary, and switching “belting out” to just “belting” also cuts back on some verbosity.
I was thinking female is necessary because the factory was all women. It was a key point in the movie. But maybe I can lose it.
Edit: yeah definitely better without.
I feel jubilant adds something? If I start removing adjectives like this I need to rewrite the whole book :( I’m a verbose guy I guess. Definitely not Hemingway-esque.
Yeah I keep trying stuff like that. But I dunno if it sounds better to me.
Naturally my mind wandered to the final scene in An Officer and a Gentleman, where Richard Gere strides into the factory in full uniform, scoops Deborah Winger off her feet and carries her out to the jubilant cheers of her coworkers
Now it almost feels like it needs a ‘then’ before ‘scoops’.
“Jubilant cheers” is redundant, because seldom are there any other kind. I feel like you only need an adjective with “cheers” if they’re, say, sarcastic, muted, sparse, etc.
The comma there is your prerogative. Since your “and” is not connecting independent clauses, it’s not strictly necessary, but I think it helps with clarity.
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Omitting the comma there improves the flow for me personally, but I’m terrible at writing and I think everything i write sounds clunky. I’d love to improve.
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How does this sound?
Naturally my mind wandered to the final scene in An Officer and a Gentleman, where Richard Gere strode into the factory in full uniform, scooped Deborah Winger off her feet, and carried her out past her cheering of her coworkers while Joe Cocker belted out Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.
I think maybe past tense is less awkward?
Present tense better for me
Agreed.
Naturally my mind wandered to the final scene in An Officer and a Gentleman, where Richard Gere strides into the factory in full uniform, scoops Deborah Winger off her feet, then carries her out past her cheering coworkers as Joe Cocker belts out Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.
Are we sure “then” isn’t better here?
Also maybe “in which Richard Gere strides”, or something other than where is better?
Also I think I’m about to get yelled at for derailing. I’ll start a grammar thread next time.
Just “her cheering coworkers.” And “in which” is better.
Oh yeah that was a typo
A grammar thread would be good because this site is filled with articulate and eloquent posters who make me jealous with how effortless they make it seem.
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Naturally my mind wandered to the final scene in An Officer and a Gentleman , where Richard Gere strides into the factory in full uniform, scoops Deborah Winger off her feet, then carries her out to the jubilant cheers of her female coworkers and Joe Cocker belting out the anthem Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong .
Joking aside, “then” is a little better as it carries the theme of romantic crescendo imo.
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Is it an “anthem” or is it a “banger”?
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Unstuck trying to understand what constitutes an anthem is like a German trying to say the world squirrel.
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In the e-book version you should insert this next:
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Unstuck’s getting a shout-out in your book after this feedback, right?
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I’d like to help but I could barely read this post, no idea what you are trying to say.
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Consider breaking this into two sentences instead of joining with “where.” And definitely present tense.