Winter 2021 LC Thread—I Want Sous Vide

I watch lots of Marvel movies and they still mostly look like that to me.

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Those dumb Hallmark movies are worth checking out in that they give you a good idea of how middle-american whites see the world and what their utopia would look like. Among other things, they are surprisingly anti-capitalist.

I don’t personally know of any reason to watch a Marvel movie and haven’t successfully made it through one yet.

I’ve heard that Elephant Man is quite good.

I was curious to see if they have any Hanukkah movies. Indeed, but somehow it’s still all white people:

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Note that the racial politics of these films are a bit more interesting then that. In the Hallmark Extended Universe race does not really exist as a construct and is never mentioned or verbally alluded to in any way. You can argue that all the characters are “white” but reliably reliably 10% will be played by black actors. These will generally be extras, but most of the time the lead will have a literal “black friend” who will reliably be a little flighty. Sometimes the male love interest will have a black friend as well so they can end up on some double date.

I believe the existence of DNA is relatively new to these films - some of my knowledge is out of date.

There are also plenty of black Christmas romances.

Yeah there’s always an evil Monopoly monocle guy villain who wants to buy up the family Christmas Tree farm for cheap.

They’re like small c capitalism or something. Small business good, big business bad.

It’s wild that they didn’t just insert Jewish characters into a generic Hallmark Christmas movie plot and call it a day, instead they have a basic white woman who discovers she’s secretly Jewish and now has to celebrate Hanukkah with her new family, because that’s how all that works.

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I wouldn’t be surprised if some have plots with Jewish friends. Between Hallmark and Lifetime they crank out dozens of these a year.

Monopoly guy doesn’t have a monocle.

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Anti-corporate, anti-development, anti-chain, anti-city and anti-midcentury modern furniture.

Utopia is a small town with a 1:5 bakery to resident ratio.

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It does sound quite pleasant. Maybe all this hard-charging city life keeping up with the Joneses isn’t filling the hole in my heart. Anyone know a simple honest country widow with an adorably precocious child?

If you can’t find an attractive widow to court, you could always make an attractive widow to court.

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Indeed, one of the more macabe features of these stories are that relationships only work out if one of the two is moving back to town after years in the big city. If two small town residents get married right out of school it is guaranteed that the wife will die within five years of childbirth. Chilling.

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that’s the joke dot jpg? in any case, these exist, but not on the hallmark channel!

There is an opportunity to revisit these couples 10-20 years down the road. Like have a whole town of them and see the divorces, affairs, back stabbing business dealings, DUIs murders, etc.

Of course at the end the all end up back with their original partners.

Decent honest women who just haven’t figured out where they truly belong move to NYC, sometimes Chicago, and every now and then Seattle.

If someone is ever back in town from LA, you can be sure she’s a horrible person who will try to steal the love interest and sabotage the Christmas ball.

Men apparently never leave their hometowns.

They can’t, they need to just wait around for years until their one true love moves back.

Or they are born in the big city, and they just want to find a fellow hard-charging up-and-comer to make a power couple with while sneering at flyover states.

Men are rooted in place like plants.

Here’s a model Bezos cock rocket if you want one: