I’m not being pessimistic. I obviously don’t know either of you. There’s not a lot of grown women out there without kids that either don’t want them themselves, or would then be okay with being with a guy who has them and having to deal with the baggage. Hence me saying single moms are going to be who’s largely available to you. I mean whether or not you had kids that’s who’d likely be available once you’re in your thirties.
In the discord chat I noticed HNH make a joke about coming over to sex her.
Did I get that wrong or was it you that was talking about your wife getting nailed and then he made a crack about he wasn’t planning on coming over or something?
i think thats good advice all the way down, but yea i don’t think being roommates would work, thats essentially what we were already trying to do and if we kept on at that I’d prolly end up at the end of a rope or something, seriously, not joking. I was definitely the guy that thought you should only get divorced with kids if things were like abusive or something and should just stick it out otherwise. I mean we went through counseling once like I said and I 100% woulda just ended it then if not for the kids. Even now I went back to a therapist who also does marriage counseling and over several sessions just me and her was able to flesh out that me staying in it was not a good idea.
I’m not being pessimistic. I obviously don’t know either of you. There’s not a lot of grown women out there without kids that either don’t want them themselves, or would be then okay with being with a guy who has them and having to deal with the baggage. Hence me saying single moms are going to be who’s largely available to you.
Are you hoping to date women who don’t have kids?
I haven’t given much thought to the dating really. I won’t be waiting 9 years but moreso just planning on taking it as it comes pretty much and handling my business otherwise and making sure the kids are looked after.
In the discord chat I noticed HNH make a joke about coming over to sex her.
Did I get that wrong or was it you that was talking about your wife getting nailed and then he made a crack about he wasn’t planning on coming over or something?
HNH wasn’t in the discord chat, maybe someone else made a joke but not that i remember really.
yea I’ll take my sanity and occasionally getting laid or something for now lol. I’d be ok with dating someone that has kids, I just don’t really want to restart the clock by having another baby.
Just thinking too that most kids will not be oblivious to what’s happening. I would not rely on the assumption of their ignorance. Whatever you choose to tell them, understand that they already know. You are not revealing anything to them. You are helping them articulate and process what they are already observing and experiencing.
You may stay together for them, but if the relationship is over, they will know. In this, be mindful of what you’re modeling for them. Sometimes splitting up is painful, but if leaving does indeed lead you to sanity and a full life, you will at least show your kids that leaving an unsatisfying relationship can be hard but ultimately healthy.
So whatever you do, make your sanity and well-being your top priority. This more than anything will help your kids through whatever comes next. It will provide a frame and model for their own lives, and your enhanced well-being will empower you to be a more present and loving father.
This was essentially what my therapist said and we talked over some things where the kids were probably already picking up on what we were modeling, which I can’t really help what she models to them. My younger son made a comment at dinner the other night when my wife wasn’t there that led me to believe he probably is aware at least somewhat and he’s only 9.
And yea my therapist was basically like if you’re depressed being there and in that relationship, the kids can see that whether you know it or not and they’re not going to get the real you or a full version of you. So alot of that went towards my decision.
@DodgerIrish. I’ve probably been fortunate so far, I’ve been as compromising and straight forward as possible and have bit my tongue plenty when I really didn’t want to. Just choosing to be as optimistic as i can so far, plenty of people have said the same as you and I’m just hoping it doesn’t go sideways.
Definitely get everything down on paper to avoid any shenanigans in the future. Better to be prepared for something that doesn’t happen than unprepared.
My parents separated when I was about 10 and for me it was amazing. Got the best of both worlds. They didn’t stay friends but also never said anything bad about the other person. They would be in contact once in a while to make sure I wasn’t trying to play them against each other though.
I definitely don’t think divorces are always bad for the kids, for me it worked out great.
@wirelessgrinder don’t beat yourself up too badly if the kids take the news hard. The alternative is that they are super relieved and happy like me and my siblings were when my parents got divorced. It means you’ve been doing a decent job up to this point if they are unhappy about it.
I obviously feel some sympathy for the kids of people who are getting divorced, but they’ve got nothing on us ‘thank fucking god they are finally getting divorced’ kids when it comes to being fucked up.
not much to add.