I want to say one last thing. First off, and most importantly, I want to apologize for breaking the community’s trust. It was wantonly destructive at best. I shouldn’t have done it, and I’m sorry. I had a moment of weakness and caved to pressure. I feel really shitty about it, and that probably won’t change.
So far I have been called deranged, likened to a rapist, and a plethora of other things and motives ascribed to me that I don’t feel is worth hashing out in this post, but suffice it to say I don’t see a place here for me anymore, and I had already been leaning this way for a while.
I want to say that some of you - you know who you are - really should show some fucking compassion and realize there are real people behind these screens and messages. I struggle to post this, because I just know it’ll be twisted somehow, but to say that this forum has had a negative effect on my mental health in the last several months would be the understatement of the century. I should’ve taken better care of it, that was my fault too. Honestly it is a battle I fight daily and lately I lost that battle. I feel betrayed and literally sickened by what I read in that pm thread. If I had known the contents I never would’ve clicked on it. I should not have let trolls and people whose sole intention seems to be causing other’s misery get to me, but I did. This is on me. I pride myself on always leaving places better than when I found them. I understand I am not doing that here, and again, I apologize for that.
I want to state definitively for the final time - I have not read any pm’s other than the ones I publicly stated, nor have I looked at anyone’s personal info or done anything (other than what I did publicly) to violate anyone’s privacy. I have no interest or motive in doing so either. Ggoreo can verify this fact. I do not know how to alter logs, and you cannot do it through the forum software. I do not know if it’s even possible to make database modifications work with this software - if you tried you’d very likely have to know the inner workings of discourse deeply, and be able to make modifications to the database in a way that could likely break the forum. If it sounds like I don’t know what I’m talking about, I don’t, I’m just guessing - and I haven’t tried anyway. It also doesn’t make sense to me to try to claim I altered logs - otherwise why wouldn’t I have attempted to do so the other night? It’s all there, any mod or admin can view it. I’ll leave it up to them if they want to publish that, because I no longer have the permissions.
It’s really important to me that people understand that I have not done anything to break the community’s trust other than what I did the other night.
Now I want to say some nice things. I understand my tone and language has thrown a lot of shit out there, especially with my generous use of the plural “you” - A lot of people have reached out to me to express gratitude privately and I appreciate it beyond measure. I didn’t have time and was too overwhelmed to respond to all of it, but I really appreciate it. I also appreciate the overall support and trust I received from this community (outside of a handful of bad actors). It means a lot to me. I hope I did not disappoint or betray any of you and if this is the case, I don’t know how to make it up to you other than to again say I’m sorry, and if you are ever in my area, I’d be happy to buy you dinner and a drink.
One final lingering thing - there’s someone in this community that owes me a certain sum of money. I’m not gonna out them or chase the debt. I would just really appreciate it if you paid it back when you are able to according to the terms we discussed. I’m saying it here because I won’t be able to read pm’s soon so I don’t know what the point of doing it there would be. I’m not mad, and honestly, if it is a huge burden, just please reach out to me somehow and explain rather than disappearing on me. I don’t even need it, I just feel a little betrayed at this point.
Finally, if anyone sees this as a reason to doxx me or cause me any RL harm I would like to remind everyone that I know exactly who has my personal info and who does not. I will figure out who did it, and if you think I’m angry and crazy/deranged now, it should also occur to you that I take things like that very seriously and will go to great lengths to make sure whoever does something like this faces consequences. However, there’s nothing I’ve really written here or elsewhere I wouldn’t mind the entire world knowing about. If you are thinking of trying something - just know it’ll likely be a waste of time and anger me greatly.
My email is jmakin2p2@gmail.com. You can reach me there or on discord. I’m going to log off now, probably for good. I plan on relocating my blog to its own site, which I have been wanting to do for a while. That’s all I really have left here.
Mods, please ban this account for 1 month, at which point I will likely ask for a perma.
Thanks everyone.
- jmakin
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