I’m really sorry you have gone through that. And also that you feel like you need to leave, although I understand and you will be missed by me and many others here. I hope you change your mind eventually but if not I hope everything goes well for you going forward.
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Sorry that happened to you. It’s sadly all too common.
I hope you don’t actually leave forever but if you do I wish you nothing but the best. You were an outstanding contributor to the forum.
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Thanks for stopping in to let us know
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Real friend imo.
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I consider you a real friend, I hope this is not truly farewell. You can always reach out if you ever need anything. Anytime.
I know everyone knows you’re a real one, but just so everyone knows, Risky let me message her and talk about some pretty heavy things.
I hope you stay. I know I’m not part of the original group and I can be very anti social but I have and continue to do things in my daily life because of some of the ideas discussed here.
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I agree that this place can feel lonely. I’m sorry that I wasn’t your friend when you needed one. I’ve been very careful about how I operate in these spaces. I’ve been okay with the people I’ve met in person, but those are only a few. Otherwise, everyone is a faceless internet acquaintance. Still, I’d like to think if I just disappeared, people would at least wonder what happened.
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2nd ketamine treatment done and still doing great.
I had my second treatment on May 8. Funky trip again. It was not as startling as the first time because I knew more what to expect. I actually found it very relaxing.
It was not that I really “saw” anything exactly. More a sense of rolling green hills and springtime. Renewal.
Again, when I came back around, I felt very calm and relaxed. No hypervigilance.
But… I had a fight with my husband on May 9 about his affair and the woman involved. I was worried the stress from this would negatively impact the effects of the treatment. Fortunately, that does not seem to be the case.
What really stood out to me was how different my response was compared to the past. The fight was nowhere near as emotional or chaotic for me. Not that I ever yell anyway. Seriously, I think I have yelled at my husband maybe twice in 20 years and for that I feel I should qualify as a trophy wife. I have just never seen the point in yelling, and neither has he.
But by calmer, I mean I was not completely overwhelmed emotionally. I cried a bit — I am definitely a crier — but it was more “leaky tears” than full emotional collapse. Hopefully that makes sense.
More importantly, I was able to stay on point. I could communicate my feelings, explain my reasoning, listen to his, and actually discuss the situation instead of dissolving into apologies and self-blame. Usually, I just cry and apologize for everything. That is what I learned to do as a child to survive the environment I grew up in.
So honestly, this still feels like a significant improvement.
And afterward? I did not feel crushing guilt or responsibility for everything that went wrong. Normally I absorb all of it. I was raised to believe everything was my fault — that I was the screw-up.
Typing this today, though, I can genuinely say I am okay. The fight was what it was, but I am okay. (Sorry, Jelly Bean, but I am okay.)
This treatment is costing me a fortune. My treatment team includes a psychiatrist I speak with bi-weekly, and during each session I also have a registered psychologist and a registered nurse present. Each session is three hours long, so it works out to about $1000 CAD every two weeks.
Good thing I make decent money. I also have to take a sick day for treatment days because I am impaired for the rest of the day afterward.
Honestly, for me, this does feel dramatic.
Not because I suddenly became euphoric or “fixed,” but because situations that normally would have completely emotionally flooded me… did not.
I stayed present. I stayed rational. I communicated instead of collapsing into guilt and self-blame. And afterward, I was still okay.
That is a massive shift for me.
Next treatment is May 22. Then I will decide when I will want to do more treatment from there.
I would love to hear feedback from people or answer any questions.
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Jesus Christ Dana white. Why are you doing the opposite of what’s right. You are actively harming legions of young men talking like this.
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Post 3rd Ketamine Treatment
Life is amazing. I wish I had done this years ago. I feel…normal. I have never felt this good in my life. Hot damn.
I actually offered to write a letter of support for my doctor to help make this treatment more accessible to people. I work as an advocate through the government, so I know how to argue these kinds of issues. Trust me, I am sold.
I am not only happier and more emotionally stable, but I am also thinking much more clearly and rationally. Everything is 1000% better, with one exception. Sometimes, though not always, ketamine can help with chronic pain. I have significant fibromyalgia, and unfortunately the ketamine did not help with that pain. I am still okay with that. Being in a much better place mentally has made the pain easier to manage, and I can continue using other strategies to address it as well.
I am scheduled for one more treatment on June 22, right before a two-week camping trip. I tend to get anxious on vacations, trying to make sure everything goes perfectly instead of simply enjoying myself. I am hoping this treatment will help me relax and take in the beautiful scenery (mountains and hot springs), along with some well-deserved quiet time with my hubby. After that, I will likely only need a maintenance treatment every six months or so.
If you or someone you know has tried everything to manage their mental health and continues to struggle, I would strongly encourage you to investigate ketamine treatment as a potential option. In my experience, it has been life-changing.
As always, I am happy to answer any questions or share my experience.
Take care, everyone!
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Did all the ket, ect, 4 yrs psychotheraphy, every fucking thing, still sad. Now my father died in Italy of an apparent heart attack at 70.
I have all the money in the world but none can sol e this pain. Just threw all the cash I have xrom the balcony. I have a healthy arsdnal of every imaginable substance here in my disposal, but I know/feel thdy’re not the answer.
I dont know what to do.
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Sorry to hear about your dad. Sorry you are struggling so much but don’t do anything drastic. I know from experience things can get better even when faced with complete hopelessness.
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I am so sorry you did not have the experience I did with ketamine. Fair enough it may not work for everyone. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. My deepest condolences.
I wish I knew the answer for you on what could help you. I literally did all kinds of therapy and was on a variety of medications from age 22 to age 53 before I tried ketamine and it helped me. So 31 years before I found my answer and a lot of pain and heartache in between.
I hope you do not have to wait as long as I did before finding something that helps you.
Truly, I wish you all the best.
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I’m just some dude you don’t know on the internet, but no man is an island. We’re pulling for you. I have no good advice, maybe keep looking for a therapist. One will click with you. Find a local green space and take a walk. 
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I dont check this thread enough. I hope youre doing ok Baddis.
I find it delightfully weird that I have found a spirit animal in Chris Daughtry. Hes like Kelly Clarkson for men going through a breakup.
That being said, god damn it is not easy seeing a 19 year marriage disintegrate. Im sure other people who have gone through these things have also experienced the different stages that you go through and that you arent hitting those stages at the same time. For instance, I am the rippee. I am currently grieving incredibly hard for my marriage. My wife, being the ripper, is not in that same stage. So while I am drowning in grief, she is going out on a 5th date in 3 weeks with the same guy.
I dont hate her for it, hell, I understand that the depression stage that she went through over the winter was her likely coming to terms with the fact that she was developing feelings outside the marriage and that pursuit of those feelings would likely signal the end of us. She grieved, just at a different time than me. Im sure months from now I will be in a place where my heart is open for someone else as well. But it sure as hell isnt now, and goddamn that timing difference is so tough. It feels like your nose is being rubbed in to failure.
I think space will ultimately help. We are working on how to tell the kids now. Once thats done, Ill move out. Either in with my parents for a while, or just renting a room while I decide next moves.
Am I foolish for hoping for reconciliation? We will be starting therapy imminently, and who knows. The fact that neither of us hates the other leaves my heart open to that possibility.
One of my bigger problems is lack of friendships and support structures. Right now its just me, I cant tell my parents yet because it would make its way back to the kids, and I have no real friendships to speak of. A 20 year partnership with your best friend will do that. So I have to keep it all in and ride the grief waves as they come. Fuck, waves suck.
I got high last night which seems to be a mistake. I had some auditory hallucinations that made me think she was having phone sex in the next room. When I asked her about it she looked at me like I had two heads. She has never been able to lie to me, so I expect that taking more than the usual amount of pot and the fact that she had had her date over to the house (with my blessing and not while I was there with the boundry of no fooling around while im still living in the house) earlier in the day combined to kinda make a perfect storm in my ears.
The (sick? funny? Odd?) thing about it is that by the end of the night I was hoping that it was true, because I love the idiot and want her to have a fulfilling life/sex life. I dunno, sick or not?
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I don’t understand the point of starting couples therapy if she’s banging (or planning to bang) someone else. Also, why are you giving your blessing to her “dating” while you’re also hoping to save your marriage?
Couples therapy doesn’t work when one of the members is actively having an affair. OTOH, It kind of sounds like you know it’s already over.
Skip the couples therapy, make a plan to physically separate ASAP, and see a lawyer–unless you think you guys can come to divorce terms on your own or with a mediator.
I’ve been in your position, and I knew once she broke her promise to stop seeing her paramour that our 17-year marriage was over, after which I immediately began looking for a place of my own.
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While I get this take, it feels like things are different here. We’ve been together 20 years, and prior to that she was married and had a kid at 19. Shes essentially never had an opportunity to be alone or discover who she is.
Like I said, im not mad about this. My bingo card always had a possibility of this happening when my kids turned 18. But like, the thing is, shes my best friend, honestly. We have a connection that is beyond reproach, we also arent physically compatible. I dont begrudge her figuring out and understanding what she wants out of life, and its a good possibility that what she wants is a stable and mature love that can continue as we age, but her not knowing the world outside of me is something she would regret on her deathbed.
Im taking this opportunity to grow too. Its possible when this is all over that we come back together and live out the end of our lives happily together. Its also possible that doesnt happen but I dont see a life without her right now, even if that just means we are good friends with separate lives who care about each other a ton.
Also, she has amazing insurance and I would not so we are not rushing into divorce. We’ve agreed to stay married for tax and insurance purposes until and unless we happen to get to a point where marriage with someone else is on the table.
I get it, I sound naiive and stupid. But we have had a non typical relationship the entire way through. We dont have to go rushing into divorce and changing things just because thats how everyone else does it.
It will also be uncontested when the time comes. We both have a disdain for divorce attorneys so that wont be happening. Kids are grown, assets are minimal, debt is large. Should be easy when the time comes.
I think it’s great that you fell the two of you can remain amicable, and there certainly is no need to rush into a divorce if there are objective, financial reasons to remain married.
However, I don’t see how it will be good for your mental health to remain under the same roof with the woman you love while she’s sowing her wild oats. I also don’t think it would be good for the kids to be living in a household with parents who are emotionally separated, especially when one of them is dating other people.
FWIW, your situation really isn’t unique. I dealt with lots of couples where one person feels either stifled, unfulfilled, unloved, stagnant, etc. and wants to “find themselves” by having one or more affairs.
Sometimes, the other spouse bends unhealthily in an attempt to save the marriage, up to and including allowing the paramore to actually move in to the marital home. It rarely ends well.
With what little I know about the situation, I would still recommend that you guys physically separate sooner rather than later, and that you work out a reasonable visitation schedule–and possible temporary support payments if there is a large imbalance in either placement of the children or income.
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Physical separation is next on our list. We are just working through the logistics
I also dont consider this an affair. If i had asked her not to date until we were divorced she would have. Very early on I told her that cheating on me is 100% a deal breaker and if she ever felt that kind of attraction towards someone to be honest and talk to me about it, which in fairness she did.
Its also likely this is more mutual than my first post indicated which is why I pointed out the different grief stages. Weve been dead bedroom for years now. What am I missing out on by not having an opportunity to date. Maybe this is my chance to find out. I dont think grief is necessarily a bad thing, im grieving because I love her, not because Im losing ownership of her. This may in the end make our love for each other as people even stronger even if we dont end up together romantically
Oh yeah also our kids are 18+ so visitation/support is moot