I was diagnosed with OCPD and possibly on the autistic spectrum a few months ago. This followed what has been a hellish 2 years for me. I entered a gnarly depressive episode, lost a girlfriend, and have had an extremely stressful job situation for the last year and a half. I can trace the depression back to trump inauguration. I have analyzed this deeply and know why now but I can get into that later.
I have always struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. What prompted the diagnosis was I reached a breaking point and had a falling out with the last few IRL friends I had. I have difficulty relating to people, I have trouble in social interactions, I am a bit weird/odd and have limited interests and strange habits. They are too weird to even get into detail on this account. I’ve had problems with hoarding. I grew up in a really abusive household and was raised by a mom with bipolar disorder and was likely borderline personality disorder.
All this put together led to whatever I am now. I feel so isolated and alone. I feel I cannot relate to anyone and people find me strange and unlikeable. It isn’t just my imagination, I’ve had a few bad experiences lately when I’ve put myself out there. I get that I’m different but I really don’t understand why people find me weird and not normal. My therapist wants me IQ tested because she thinks that is the crux of my problem with relating to people. But I think there’s other things obviously going on.
It’s obvious to me I’ll never settle down and have a normal life. I don’t even want that. I like being alone but frequently feel lonely. I feel no one understands me. It isn’t just depression talking - I struggle relaying my thought processes to people in a way that makes sense. I frequently come off the wrong way. I piss people off unintentionally all the time.
There’s a lot of evidence for the autism, as a kid. I was taken to doctors a lot because they thought something was wrong with me. I had echolalia really bad as a kid which is where you repeat your sentences after you speak. I didnt even know I did it and my mom bullied me for it. As a child I alway got into fights with other kids for being made fun of for being weird. I never knew why, I still don’t.
I have problems drinking and I smoke too much weed. I’m cutting back but it is hard. I don’t feel I have a ton to live for and the worst part is I have everything I could ever want. I am well off, have a good job, and good career trajectory. But this is typical with OCPD people I guess - they are married to their work/careers. This has been typical all my life.
i am taking abilify which is an anti-psychotic that helps with rage/anger. It has helped a lot in my day to day interactions with people but I don’t have a lot of hope anymore. I need to up the doses probably.
I dont even know where I’m going with this post but wanted to share it anyway in case anyone else is struggling, you’re not alone.