I have a friend (not that close) who jokes (or maybe “jokes”) about death a lot, about how life is meaningless, and everything is terrible. What’s a good icebreaker here to check in with him? Just a genuine, “How are you doing these days, man?” Or mind my own business?
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I think that would be a perfectly fine thing to ask. I know I would appreciate that kind of thing from a casual friend.
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I really feel for you, master. I’ve had to reinvent myself a couple of times and only recently feel like I developed an identity independent of my occupation. Not that the struggle for financial security is any less significant, it just doesn’t tie to my sense of self-worth anymore. At least not as strongly.
That’s a great question, and a person who is open to receiving it will take it well.
If you are really concerned about your friend, it’s also okay to ask a clear “Are you safe?” or “Are you in any danger from yourself or anyone else?”
I’ve struggled a lot with suicidal ideation, and it didn’t click for me just how urgent and disturbing that impulse is to others until I compared it to homicidal ideation. To a lot of people, the thought of causing deliberate harm to anyone, including ourselves, is unthinkable.
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Honestly, way more than you think. I was at this point at 35. And at 40. I’m 45 now and still don’t have a lot figured out.
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A couple thoughts re: various questions/topics that have come up in this thread.
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There are absolutely some high-quality M.S. level therapists, but having a Ph.D. (licensed psychologist) typically means someone made it through a wildly more competitive graduate school process and likely has more advanced knowledge/experience. If there’s not much difference in cost or availability, I would typically start there with a provider search. Aside from that, your fit with the personality and philosophy of your provider is crucial (accounts for ~40% of therapeutic change), so don’t be afraid to shop around for the right fit. A psychologist can’t prescribe medications in most states (you’re better served by a psychiatrist in this case), but a psychiatrist is more likely to rely on medication-focused intervention and likely won’t dedicate as much time to the counseling side. Optimal care is typically provided via therapy with a psychologist + medication management via a psychiatrist.
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It’s OK to ask others directly about their physical safety. A lot of folks worry that querying about suicidal ideation may inspire it, but research does not support this idea.
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I don’t want to assume too much re: gender ratios of this forum, but https://mantherapy.org/ may be a good resource for some of us hesitant to seek support (and may also inspire a good-natured laugh or two).
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Just to add to the search for a therapist, if you are in the States and don’t have much money, almost every university with a therapy program offers low/no-cost therapy if you are willing to be seen by a therapist in training who is supervised by someone licensed. These therapists in training are in at minimum a master’s program and tend to be in their thirties or above.
Some are put off by this and would only want the licensed professional. Others get a lot out of this system, however, because it is affordable AND means they have at least two people monitoring their case and suggesting insight and treatment. Some might prefer such an arrangement even if money isn’t an obstacle.
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+1 - I took advantage of this kind of thing while in law school and agree that it’s valuable.
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Does anyone have good suggestions books, recordings or resources on being present and in the moment? I have everything I could want in life but I’m terrible at being present.
Between work, family stuff (I work for family) and having a 6 month old son I feel suffocated by those who are close to me. They have good intentions but it’s too much sometimes, and I don’t get enough “me” time anymore.
As a result of this I try and people please and just go along with doing things, but I’m super aloof. I’m worried about work or politics or money or anything else that’s 1 million miles away. I’m standoffish and rude because I’m not really there so to speak. I want to be consumed reading an article or playing a game on my phone in situations where it’s not appropriate, just to calm my mind.
Things that shouldn’t annoy me do, and I literally watch myself get faux mad about stupid, petty shit and cause ridiculous arguments that I know should never happen. Sometimes I feel like this is just done so I can excuse myself and be alone. I always realize it after the fact, acknowledge it and move on but I find myself back in the same place the next time it happens. I just watch myself ramp it up and self destruct. I need to have better control to just stop and not give in.
I downloaded the Headspace app a couple of months ago on the recommendation of a coworker. I find it’s really helping me get rid of mental clutter. Meditation in general is a great thing to develop.
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FtB, I’m sorry you’re going through this. A lot of us struggle with being present and in the moment.
Do you find yourself struggling with impulse control in general?
Do you have someone IRL to talk to about this besides yourself?
Do you want to talk any more about the obstacles you’re facing to being present? What is it about those who are closest to you that leads to you feeling suffocated? You say you have everything you want in life, but that sounds an awful lot like what someone told you is supposed to be enough, and yet you still feel this way.
What do you feel is lacking? Just give me your best description. It doesn’t have to be accurate.
A few general suggestions. No offense if these are not appropriate for you and your situation.
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Make time to be by yourself with zero input. Take out the headphones. Turn off the TV. Sit there or go for a walk. Do this for ten minutes a day. NO HEADPHONES. Do not listen to music. Do not listen to podcasts. Walk with no input but what’s happening inside your head.
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Try this guided meditation as you go to sleep.
https://insighttimer.com/sarahblondin/guided-meditations/learning-to-surrender
- Record a guided meditation using your own voice. Really. This will do wonders to improve your inner dialogue.
For example:
For #3, I can only speak for myself, but I walk around all day telling myself I don’t matter, everyone else’s needs are more important than my own, this is too much of a crisis for me to even listen to myself. On and on. Hearing myself speak things like “You are enough” and “I love you, and I am listening” have helped me develop that inner dialogue into something healthy.
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I think I posted in (started?) the MH thread on the old site but don’t have much to add at this moment. Just wanted to chime in as another voice saying that the things you all are bringing up resonate with me and I feel the same way–you guys aren’t alone.
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I don’t have impulse control issues and do have others I talk to about this.
I think it’s really the intensity of everything in my life. I’m constantly going 90 miles per hour and it never stops. I very quickly went from being single, free and working a job where I could just slide by to having a kid, a vital role in a small family business and being groomed to be a business owner.
Quite honestly my job is challenging for me and to work for my mom adds another layer. Both she and my girlfriend express themselves harshly when I do something “wrong” and see my problems/grievances as insignificant and minor. I’m told I do things wrong that I didn’t even know had a right way to be done. It feels petty and the on top of that it’s construed in a rude way often times. Meanwhile I’ll kindly ask for certain things and get dismissed and/or excuses for what I feel are legitimate grievances.
I know that they both appreciate me but in the same vein of being harsh, the thank you is often implied or taken for granted. If I do 99 out of 100 things right we’re only talking about the one thing that was wrong. Growing up my mom was the type of person to look at my report card and see all As and one A- and ask why I got an A-. It’s really deflating and makes it hard to be motivated to try and be present because I’m on the defensive at all times.
Overall I know they both have good intentions but the way they express themselves triggers me and makes me want to be aloof in order to protect myself. If I don’t do anything I can’t be wrong. It helps me relax since otherwise I’m on high alert and fearful about whatever the next criticism will be and it makes me super anxious, short and irritable.
And the funny thing is I’m super open minded and like constructive criticism and feedback. I’ve discussed this at length with my therapist and she’s told me that I’m great at taking her feedback even when it’s not what I want to hear. The key is that she does it a nice, well thought out manner which I can accept. It comes from a good place and makes me want to grow and learn from it. However, when it’s done harshly I just crumble.
I’ve tried to express and explain this to my family and it just wooshes right over them. They just keep on keeping on. I can accept them for how they are but it really doesn’t make me want to be present all the time. I can take a certain amount but once that threshold is crossed it goes toxic real fast.
Obviously there’s a lot more to it but I hope that’s a decent summary. I’ve typed this post out and deleted it quite a few times.
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I would really consider psychiatry a last resort. I don’t want to write an essay on it but I saw four different ones over a period of 12 years and none of them even came close to ruling out the actual physiological cause of my problems before jumping to psychiatric diagnosis and meds. My symptoms never improved, like not even slightly. And the answer was always increase dose or change meds. They can play that game forever if you express any kind of mood or anxiety problem because it’s not falsifiable. Check out the Rosenhan experiment if you aren’t familiar with it.
Thank you, I appreciate the kind words.
I’ve probably sent out my resume about 300 times in the last 3 months. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I spend a few hours posting to the newest available jobs that are within my salary range and area of expertise. I’ve had about 25 phone interviews, 10 first round interviews, and 6 second round interviews.
I like this. I will look into it more. Fwiw, I have moved the family almost entirely off fast food by cooking at home every night and making lunches the day before for the next day.
Thanks man. I hope to get there someday.
I appreciate this sentiment, and admit that the number probably is a lot higher than I consider. When you have a father who worked for the same company nearly his entire working life, and moved up from plumber to facilities manager for a company like HP, its scary to have multiple discharges in my life. I worry that after sinking so much time and energy into accounting that I just am not very good at it.
I seem to excel more as a small cog in a large machine than I do with the spotlight shone squarely upon my face. However, the real money almost always falls to those in the spotlight.
For you ok but to apply it to general advice is dangerously stupid.
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Yeah by the time a person, especially a man, is thinking about looking for a shrink the time when it was optimal to get one is usually far in the rear view mirror. Discouraging someone from getting help is basically always just terrible advice.
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Was going to say something similar. That is some galactically bad advice
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Yeah my point was definitely that people should just avoid seeking help. Great read.
There’s also a lot to learn about cancer. Gl not following the standard of care.