yea i need to do this and yea man this is hard, just between working all day with the kids running around the house and constantly reading about this shit and everything else, its definitely taking its toll.
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I was really struggling yesterday. All got on top of me a bit on the tram home. Crying in public while being unable to touch your face sucks.
Spoke to Mrs rugby. Ate a whole packet of chocolate buttons for baking, got a good night’s sleep and then worked out. Feeling much better.
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Really not doing well this week. My wife is a public health person for a federal agency, but not anything that relates to COVID. We’re both working at home full time. We have been getting into pretty regular arguments about the measures being taken and the messaging from the government on this, and she is understandably more trusting of the public health officials than I am. The arguments themselves don’t matter, but I’m being kind of an asshole I think. Not sure if I’d chalk it up to stress or the fact that I’m generally kind of an asshole to begin with.
My anxiety over my breathing has been improving a lot, but I did get overwhelmed by it a bit last night. The current problem is that I’m working from home and doing a lot of work in bed. That gives me back/shoulder pain, which leads to me spending 3 hours arguing with myself over whether I’m having pain in my lungs from breathing or whether it’s my back that hurts when I take a deep breath in certain postures.
I’m also just generally terrified of where we’re going in the next few weeks. Like. I thought everyone agreed that shit was REALLY going to hit the fan in late April and May. As of now I’m kind of expecting Trump will open up the country and I’ll be back at work by then. Hundreds of thousands are going to die and we’re going to watch the government lie about it in real time. It’s just fucking overwhelming.
Like, I’m 32 and I feel like I am just scraping through my day so I can get high and play animal crossing and stop thinking at 5 PM.
Is it ok to mention suicidal thoughts here? I have no concerns that I’ll actually hurt myself, and I’m smart enough that I’d never purchase a gun or anything, but once every year or two I’ll get a short period where it’s kind of like intrusive thoughts about it. Remnants of an emo adolescence or something I guess.
Things just suck. I hope everyone is hanging in there.
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I’d worry about the mental health of someone who claimed never to have at least thought about suicide at some time or other. I’d at least worry about their honesty.
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hey man i posted something similar in the Covid thread last night but i’m right there with you, im 33 married with 3 kids and im sure my family is going to be fine and my job in wireless is basically always going to be essential and i’m doing and can easily do from home, but I still have an impending sense of doom, i’ve been drinking more cuz why not and i almost snapped at my wife over it last night because i said something like “this covid shit is depressing” and she responded by saying i shouldn’t read so much about it or if i couldnt do anything about it then not to worry/talk about it, and ehhh i dont see myself zoning out on something like this, its a one in a lifetime event probably and man its just, hard to cope with.
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Working in bed is a bad idea for a bunch of reasons. Is there a better work space you cam set up? Perhaps with natural light and a view of outside?
An ironing board makes a surprisingly good desk. Fyi
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Does anyone else struggle with the difference between re-telling a story and actually working on issues?
Some time back, I worked with a therapist for more than a year. But when I think about it now, the sessions mostly boiled down to me retelling stories. On the one hand, it seemed at the time very helpful to be able to talk to someone candidly about the things which happened to me. And the therapist was supporitve. On the other hand, I don’t think much progress was made.
For example: Many of my stories had to do with a woman I was dating and a group of people, and their behavior towards me. Re-telling stories of mistreatment or neglect felt good – but when I think about it now, it seems we never got around to dealing with the real issue: why I remained in that situation, when it was unhealthy.
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Coronavirus isolation is getting to me. Feeling like I have very few supports right now, and some shame about how I’m feeling and things I’m coping with.
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I can relate to this. It sounds like you’re already doing some self examination about the time period you’re talking about - that’s a good habit to get in IMO.
I find that a lot of times there are fears or anxieties that I have that I’m very reluctant to admit or say out loud that drive destructive behavior - and often when I go through the “stories” in my head later on they are told in such a way that avoids confronting those fears. It’s easy to say “yeah this is an unhealthy relationship look at all of the bad things my friends do to me, but they’re my friends and we’ve been through a lot together” but it’s a lot harder to say “I still hang out with them because I’m terrified of the idea of finding new friends” and even harder still to say “the reason I’m scared of finding new friends is because I don’t think that a stranger would find me pleasant to hang out with” or even “I’m worried that not many people will be into my lifestyle of arguing about politics on the internet, playing video games, and smoking pot at home alone”. (These examples apply to fears I have about severing bad relationships, I’m not trying to say you have these same anxieties)
Basically, I think when you verbalize your feelings underlying the stories they become a little easier to deal with and a little less scary, but it’s very tempting to craft stories from a point of view where those anxieties or whatever aren’t what’s causing you problems, it’s these externalities that you can’t control.
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Thanks for this.
I am afraid to abandon unhealthy relationships because I am afraid … I can feel my brain sort of balk right here–what is it that I’m afraid of? Definitely some abandonment fears. Some fear I’m unlovable.
The distancing related to corona is making things more difficult. Not a lot of human interaction going on right now, and a part of me feels desperate to maintain what little I do have.
The isolation is really tough. I don’t have any answers to the question of “how do I become comfortable with the idea that I’m worthy of love and that people like me”, unfortunately. But you’ve got a lot of people here in similar situations, and we’re all struggling through the isolation together. I think everyone in this thread is happy to share whatever support they can.
On a side note, and entirely unrelated, I did click through to your writing blog earlier… is that conspiracy thing you mentioned writing still available for sale anywhere?
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Yeah, it’s in my Etsy store. I PM’d you a link.
The isolation issue is problematic. Well. That’s true for everyone right now.
I wonder what this pandemic is doing to the world’s mental health.
Yes.
I can over analyze something. Paralysis by analysis. I keep retelling a story to find a way I could have controlled the outcome. Or to prepare for a different outcome if it happens again. It’s a way to live in La La Land instead of ever being present with what’s in front of me. And to fool myself into thinking I have control over things that are beyond my control.
There is some use in that. Reflecting to discern the things I can change, the things I can’t. I really enjoy a variation on the serenity prayer that says: Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the ones I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.
But I try to be mindful of when I’m reflecting and when I’m obsessing. It’s different every time, and sometimes, it’s an arbitrary decision when to cut myself off, make a decision, and decide what I will do with this to move on. I engage with something else because I deserve to engage with something else. As strong as I feel compelled to obsess over something I am in conflict over, I deserve to engage with something else. My life needs to be about more than constant upset and discontent. I have to be deliberate about manifesting more than that.
My one piece of feedback is not to be too harsh on yourself for retelling a story. We retell a story until we are ready to do something else with it. Your sense that you are ready and willing and NEED to do something more than retell these stories comes from you now being ready and willing to do so.
In my view, retelling the stories is just part of the process that got you to a place where you can now do more than that. That’s a good thing.
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Thanks for all that.
Perhaps there is some kind of balancing act inside me that determines action. When the balance weights towards fear, I can engross myself in story and remain paralyzed (even while acknowledging this). When it shifts the other way, towards clear seeing and a closer connection with myself, I can make choices that are right for me.
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Maybe so! What are some other ways for you to come at this than retell a story? Do you have other methods of processing in your toolbox? I am glad you come ITT and share with us.
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I’ve done some “inner child work,” as many people refer to it–trying to be with the injured, younger me that could be one source for my fears. And there is meditation in general, which helps me get some daylight between myself and the thoughts and emotions which often feel like they are me, but are not.
Not sure if that’s really “processing.”
I also try and logic myself out of bad feelings sometimes, but this generally is of limited use. I know, for example, that I’ve spent long stretches by myself and enjoyed it–but somehow, remembering this doesn’t make it manifest. No surprise.
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Tears are great.
Johnny 
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Oh, I can relate. It doesn’t take much to get me to tear up–even when things are going well and life is in a groove. Dodo videos, romantic comedies, pharmaceutical commercials … WATERWORKS. Well. My eyes get all watery, anyway.
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I enjoy having a good cry. I used to fight it, but it’s good to let it happen.
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