I guess it might. The thing is that doesn’t heal my knee. I have 1-1 psychotherapy 2 hours a week where I can heal acute and hopefully chronic wounds.
3 Likes
Yes luckily I’m deep into meditation game. My (former) good friend has a life coach / mentor company. I get these 10k€ fancy la-di-da meditation courses for free. Or I did, because he went off the deep end and turned out to be an anti-vaxxer, fuck that.
Principles are usually for mouth-breathers, but nazis and antiscientists grind my gears. Now I’ll stop blabbering, I guess this song summarizes my feelings:
Thanks everyone 
2 Likes
I’m humbled by your post. I don’t deserve any sympathy tho. I had a great childhood.
Oddly enough, your post inspired me. Just got done watching Redbelt. LFG.
3 Likes
Shit I feel seasonal depression settling in.
At least last time I was in lockdown and could afford time in front of my light box every morning. Now I wake up at 6:30 AM and I’m out the door an hour later. Gotta wake up even earlier now and I already struggle to wake up in the morning without feeling depressed.
1 Like
Im having trouble escaping/getting rid of the thoughts that I am a bad person. In and of itself thats a humorous thought to me especially with everything we see happen on this site and in the news daily, and yet I am finding it really hard to shake that thought.
Im a 38 year old man who seems incapable of changing his destructive, selfish behaviors. I am defensive to a fault, to where I have probably lost jobs over it, and yet though I recognize it and understand it, I cant precent myself from engaging in those behaviors even with those closest to me. I feel a constant desire to explain away and defend my negative actions, mostly because I believe that doing the opposite will mean shining the brightest light on my deepest flaws.
And yet, the defensiveness is one of my greatest flaws and I cant shine a brighter, more glaring light on it than by engaging in the behavior.
I think im afraid of really examining my flaws deep down because I beat myself up a lot when I was younger, to the point of being suicidal on multiple occasions, and im afraid of doing that to myself again as a man with means to act upon it more than I had then.
Its just so destructive to myself and my relationships to act like this.
5 Likes
Admitting fault is not admitting defeat or weakness. It’s the first necessary step to personal growth.
You identify the problems which is further than 80% of people who mistreat others do. Admitting your faults to those who love you will allow you to grow into the person you want to be. Your friends and family will want to help you grow.
You’re 38 years old. You probably have over half your life left to live. Spend that life being the person you want to be.
3 Likes
I don’t have much to say other than go to a therapist if you can, I had an appointment on Tuesday with mine and spent a good portion of the time talking about how I thought not that I’m a bad person per se but I do beat myself up a lot over not being a better dad or better person in general and just really being hard on myself in general about my past, my body, Job performance etc. one of the things she said was to try to think rationally about it when you realize you’re doing it and reason it out, like for me when I’m thinking about not being a good father, think about all the things I do for my kids etc. also not to dwell on the past and as said above to focus on being the best person you can be each day going forward
4 Likes
Not my thing, but people have talked about meditation ITT, including the use of the Balance app. For the rest of the year, Balance is giving away a free year (at least in the US) because Google named it one of the best apps of the year or somesuch. Also free for Apple. I’m guessing that’s better than their usual introductory deal.
2 Likes
For the first guy, an invitation to do something innocuous isn’t an imposition and isn’t cause to get upset.
2 Likes
Thanks for the link - funny enough on the day you posted it, I had just expired my 2 week trial to Headspace and decided to pay for it. I added Balance, too, and we’ll see how I like it.
Meditation had never appealed to me, but I figured it was worth a try. I’ve been struggling lately, and the stress has been eating at me. The daily meditations in Headspace have helped a little, I think (I’ve done it every day for a couple of weeks now), but the sleep stuff has been very useful. I never had trouble falling asleep, but I’d wake up in the middle of the night and stress would eat at me for a couple of hours. With Headspace I throw headphones on and listen to something calming - music has never worked before, I need to have my mind do something - and that has helped. I’m sure there are similar, free, videos on Youtube or whatever. The audio of someone speaking and describing something, or telling me to breathe or to count backwards from 10,000 - that’s what has really helped me focus away from the stress.
Ive been suffering from a really bad patch of depression for about a month now. Im trying to hold out for our new insurance which kicks in Jan 1 so I dont have to go switching therapists right when im making progress, but its getting worse daily.
Im actively considering suicide for the first time in a long time, and the only time I dont feel like everything in my life is terrible is when im high, and I cant do that 24/7. Its starting to really hurt me and my relationships immensely. I snap at small things, become frustrated at the drop of a hat, have an active disinterest in my job or things Ive taken pleasure in leading up to when this started up. Ive stopped working out which I was really enjoying in October and November.
Theres a good chance this puts an unsolvable crack into my marriage, and I just want to feel ok again.
12 Likes
I’m sorry to hear this Matt. Just know that people change and life won’t always be this way. If I could offer some advice it would to do something simple and easy to break out of your routine. Go to a different coffee shop, try a new restaurant, go for a walk in a different part of town, do a new workout. Something you know will make you happy that you wouldn’t otherwise do that requires focusing on the present moment and your own happiness.
1 Like
Just remember whatever you’re feeling right now isn’t permanent. I know it’s easy to feel like whatever is hitting you right now is the way it’s always going to be, but it’s really not.
1 Like
Can you find a therapist that is in both your current and your new insurance networks? I would start looking now, because it’s not easy to find available mental health services currently. (This can also lead to feelings of abandonment, which makes things feel even worse.) You are far from the only person that is struggling right now. I hope you can get help, and in the meantime, please take the words from CS04 to heart regarding your current feelings not being permanent.
I can’t add much more to what others have said, but thank you for sharing and please keep posting here. The way you feel now will change. This isn’t permanent.
Have you talked to your wife about what you’re going through?
Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the helpful and kind words. I have a history with this stuff and know that in the long term I get better, this has just bern the longest, most difficult single stretch Ive had with feeling this way and some of the more alarming warning signs for my personality have been coming to the forefront.
I also know that Holiday and winter related depression are not uncommon, and im not struggling in solitude no matter how much it may feel like it at times. Honestly, knowing all of the underlying reasons and rationality behind everything makes it a tad worse. I know how I feel normally and this is abnormal. I know this is a temporary thing brought on by some change (likely due to age and environmental factors) in my brain chemistry. I know that there are things that can help and things I can do to gelp myself and get help from others.
I also know that all of that means very little when my brain decides there are better ways out than what I am doing now. I dont consider myself to be a bad person, or a loser, or an awful piece of human scum that doesnt deserve good things… but my brain does right now. Its hard to reconcile and cope with.
12 Likes
I wish i couldn’t relate to this as much as i do.
4 Likes
anyone have any experience with Escitalopram/Lexapro? i never taken any anti anxiety medication but decided i should probably fight this recent down. the doctor i’ve met 10 minutes earlier for the first time prescribed it like it was advil but i tend to be somewhat of a hypochondriac so i guess i should read up some before. otoh it might help with the hypochondria.
she prescribed 5 mg at first but a friend recommended i split it and take 2.5 mg for the first few days. does that make any sense?
I have taken escitalopram before, on I think three different occasions. 5mg is already half the usual starting dose, but there’s nothing wrong with trying 2.5mg first and seeing if it does anything. But if it doesn’t - and I mean like straightaway, within a couple days - take 5.
Standard disclaimer, I am not a doctor. I have complicated feelings about SSRIs. I think they’re a good way to buy some mental space to figure out other ways to improve your mental wellbeing. Improve your social life, exercise more, get out in nature more, join somewhere to learn to meditate (would recommend this over an app), try a retreat, check any that apply. It can be difficult both to do this stuff and to accurately assess the value of it when you’re burdened by mental illness, an SSRI can lift the clouds enough for you to get your shit together in other ways. They can genuinely be life-savers in this capacity.
I’m much less of a fan of long-term use, for a whole lot of reasons I won’t get into. Conventional wisdom is that they can take up to several weeks to start working, but personally I experienced some relief within hours of taking my first dose and that was also the experience of several other people I know (all of us taking it for anxiety/anxious depression). So if you don’t like how they make you feel and your doctor is like “stick with it!” I would treat that skeptically. If you’re out of other options you can always go back and give it a longer try.
I’ll emphasise again that all the above is just my opinion and I spent a while writing and deleting stuff here, wondering how ethical it is to be offering detailed advice as someone without qualification. But SSRIs are not actually very well understood drugs, and unless your doctor is a psychiatrist they are probably completely full of shit on the subject, so don’t be afraid to make your own decisions and do what you think is best. And take all of the above as what it is, which is one guy’s opinion.
If you don’t know, standard side effects include weight gain and various sexual dysfunctions, so be prepared for that.
4 Likes