Yeah, I don’t know if it’s real but I will treat it as so but from a distance for sure. We talk way less now.
I just don’t get her. If she is super in love with this guy and can’t live without him why is she spending so much time hanging out and talking to another guy? Sitting with him in a car for an hour talking in front of the house?
Using me to make him jealous I guess? Only thing that makes sense. I feel bad too because he is super emotionally abusive and shitty to her but I mean I can’t save her, it’s too much.
I don’t know what’s going on with her but I know I don’t want to be involved outside of occasionally the friend support.
I’d tell you not to do this because it’s exhausting and you can’t really get into other people’s heads this way, but that’s the kind of advice nobody ever follows, including me.
My dad turned 77 yesterday and I was thinking, that’s actually pretty fucking old. I have no experience of death at all. Like of course grandparents and cousins and uncles and shit have died but nobody I was particularly close to, no friends either. I have also never been present when someone has died. Wonder how it will hit me when a parent goes. I think of myself as pretty realistic about such things but it’s impossible to know before it happens for reals.
My dad dying at 53 cemented his legacy in my life.
I miss him dearly and he was an awesome dad. But looking back, I know that my idolization of him would likely have faded over time if I got to know him more as I became an adult. Since I never had that opportunity, every memory I have of him is a good one.
I have a bit of the opposite. I watched my dad die right in front of me when I was 22. It feels like a really bad dream that you can’t wake up from. We were very close and hung out every day, would go out and play darts/billiards together, etc. I idolized him for sure. But as I’ve gotten older and reflected on my childhood - I’m approaching the age where he had me - I realize he did a lot of things wrong, some very wrong. I also sort of blame him these days for letting his health go the way it did. He had several heart attacks and refused to quit smoking or lose weight. Honestly, he wanted to die. I don’t completely blame him that, he had a lot of really miserable diseases like muscular dystrophy. At the same time though I just wish he’d been a little stronger.
Also more and more these days I wish he’d held on just a little longer. These feelings get exacerbated as my sisters are now having children - he would’ve loved to have seen that and his absence is very noticeable, even 10 years later. He never got to see me do the things I’ve accomplished, and I’m a little bitter about that, even though I know that I likely never would have accomplished them if I didn’t have the trauma driving me forward.
I feel like my memory of him is also fading a bunch. It’s pretty sad, but I guess it’s the natural way of things. I think I have a more realistic view of him as to who he was as a person than I did in my early 20’s.
Guess that’s different. My father died in a freak accident while I was living in South Korea not of a health issue. I was just a couple years older than you when my dad died as well.
My sisters and mother had a way harder time dealing with it than I did because I was already living independently and they weren’t.
The way we do end of life is so brutal. It is looking like more and more like that is the scenario we are in with my mom. Seeing her everyday in hospital is brutal. She can’t really talk. Just mumbles nonsense. When she can make a sentence it’s always about how bad she feels. Because of covid I am the only one allowed in. On one hand I am glad at least I can visit on the other if this goes on for a long time it will be very tough. Everyone is asking how I am doing all the time and saying maybe I don’t need to visit everyday but I don’t see how I can do that.
This is my first really close connection to death and our healthcare system and it’s not fun.
While I am grateful this is all free, the lack of communication and support in the system is glaring and makes it all worse than it needs to be.
There’s often precious little dignity at the end. I’m sorry to hear about your mom. People will say dumb things because they don’t know what to say. Still, showing support is good. People who bring food are the best. You don’t think you need it, but you do. And I’m not talking about the food.
The lack of dignity is the worst part. She is a brilliant woman with multiple graduate degrees who ran academic departments. Now she doesn’t get to pick what or when she eats. There is way to much focus on medicalizing everything and nearly none on the humanity of the patient.
I’ve stopped sessions with my therapist. We were bi-weekly, but … I finally accepted that the thing I need to learn next wont come from her, and the crisis that led me to her, 14 months ago, passed a while back.
Do you mean a lack of conversation in the general public? Among medical professionals there is actually a pretty robust conversation ongoing (at least in Canada) about the right of an individual to die when they believe their life is no longer tolerable. This was actually one of the larger health profession issues in Canada before Covid came along and upended the health care system.
I know that there is more to end of life care than decision making around continuing to live or die, but this seems highly relevant.
I have a “what the hell is happening to me” question. But, stipulating that … I’m really just asking for solidarity, I think. I dunno. I think this may all be good. … also, that the meditation thread could have been more appiopriate. anyway, apologies …
I have become aware that my brain is always lying … and it wont shut up. … if it’s not lying, it’s resisting … it’s like having an absurd child in my head.
at other times … at work … I am now aware of how triggered I am. almost all the fucking time, to some degree or another. and none of my reactions, communications … well, they all get tainted with this shit, so even if the substance is fine i’m left with feeling icky about it all.
is this a stage in something? I mean, … my experience is that I see these thoughts clearly, and mostly am not triggered by them … and then I do get triggered … and at work, I don’t have the option to just not communicate and so I have these moments where I’m really struggling, trying, to not get defensive because I can feel that it’s there … and then I kind of get anxious that people saw it, I feel so fucking exposed …
here’s the thing, I don’t think I’m becoming a shittier human, it seems more likely that I’m becoming aware of something that’s always been there, but goddamn if some of this seeing doesn’t come with a lonely feeling
Sometimes I listen to q&a sessions with teachers and I can feel the reaction rise in me … when a question sounds … when I perceive it as egoic or … something happens. Probably a kind if projection. Perhaps I simultaneously identify and judge?
"This question is stupid. AND, this person sounds like me … "
Does anyone else here struggle to watch, say, for instance, the US version of The Office? Steve Carell (genius) is UNWATCHABLE … some weird unhelpful empathy(?) kicks in and I am compelled to look away … all feels the same
I’m glad it is working for you, thx for the update.Depression is very treatable yea. However there is treatment resistant kind (I have it as does my good friend, who is not doing well). Zoloft worked ok on me. Lots of sexual side effects though so I stopped because i’d rather be depressed. Do you have side effects?
I take wellbutrin and it doesn’t have that drastic of an effect on me as you describe for zoloft, that’s interesting. I do miss a lot of doses (i’m adhd and forget a lot) which will sometimes send me into a depressive slide but if i get religious about taking them again, it wears off in a week or two. My therapist gets really pissed at me but I’ve tried everything - reminders on my phone, pill boxes, sticky notes to remind me, etc. I have so much executive dysfunction sometimes I’m amazed I can even function at all.
My adhd meds stopped working as well after about 2 months on them. I don’t want to increase dosage, I’m just gonna learn to adapt and live with it like I’ve been doing my whole life. Maybe if it gets really bad I’ll try a different one or something.
I dont know if I mentioned it here or in my blog but I have a friend that is struggling either with bipolar depression or major depression. He quit his job mid pandemic with no backup plan and has no money left. I alerted his parents several months back that things were not good, and luckily they are helping him.
He just doesn’t help himself at all though. Makes excuses for everything why he can’t do X thing to help him out of his predicament. For instance I said he could drive lyft/uber til he finds something stable and it’d allow him to pay the bills. Doesn’t wanna depreciate his car… ok fine. That set me off a bit and I sarcastically said “gee if only you had a good friend with an extra car they aren’t using” (me). He doesn’t wanna do that either.
He finally got a cashier job, which is aiming really low for him (i’ve talked to him at length and tried to help him w/ his resume but he doesn’t seem to want the advice so I stopped). But in his first half hour of work he had some difficulty logging into their system and the manager said something dickish to him about it or something (hard to tell because in my opinion he’s not a reliable narrator right now) and my friend melted down and said “sorry for wasting your time” and just walked out of there.
I get it, it’s really hard. I just wish he’d find somewhere deep within himself to get out of this situation. I helped him get a doctor and he’s on the meds now. But he continues to drink 24/7 and there’s just no way the meds can work when you’re doing that. He won’t get help even though he acknowledges there’s a problem. He just won’t do anything and I’ve been there and I understand but I got myself out of it and I desperately hope he can too, or he’ll be dead within the year, I’m certain of it.
I’m probably doing too much. I gave him an extra gaming laptop I had, hoping he’d get super into a game and it’d alleviate boredom and give him something to do other than lay in bed and drink. He hasn’t touched it afaik.
He’s one of my best friends though. It is hard. I am kind of at the end of my rope with it though. I can’t cut him off, it’d be too cruel and he’s alienated all his friends in the last year and I’m basically all that’s left. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t wear on me.
Update on girl: She seems to be doing better, getting over her toxic ex. But she’s lied to me about that before. We have still drifted apart a bit since telling the parents but I don’t think she hates me.
New development. She is now kinda seeing a guy I really like and respect. It’s none of my business right? I feel a big part of what she did was lie and mislead about her ex to me, plus obviously she has a ton of baggage that made me uninterested.
As for my friend, it’s none of my business right? Like I shouldn’t tell him hey get to know her first, take things slow? I don’t want him to go in blind, catch feelings, and kinda end up in a similar situation as I was in where at that point I felt obligated to be there for her and help her. He already said he likes her, but I’m not sure she opened up to him. I think she opened up to me quickly because people just do that.
But again its none of my fucking business right? Just let things happen how they happen right?
My current position is to mind my business, just wondering if anyone thinks I owe it to my buddy to kinda give him a warning without any details.