Why?
Over the summer I experimented with psychadelics and meditation, trying to get at ideas of ego death and non-attachment. Like many people posting here, I struggle with a range of issues, from general and social anxiety to imposter syndrome, lack of direction.
Perhaps this is obvious, but it rings true and new to me right now: I have come to think my issues are fundamentally a fear of death, which manifests as holding tight to my own ego and all of its scars and fears and perspective.
People describe ego death in many ways; my experience showed me that Sapo is just one filter, one perspective. But he is the only one I know, and so change–even for the better–is scary. On a subconscious level maybe Sapo sabotages himself because he is afraid of moving through the world without all that it means to be Sapo.
Mostly, my experiences revealed to me that healing is possible but there is a lot more work to be done. This depressed me, but I’m working on it.
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I really like this idea, looking for things that take me out of my own headspace. Like, when I do X, I’m too focused on it to think about anything else. …for me, lately playing chess and working with oil pastels. But it definitely shifts and changes.
Good idea.
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There’s underappreciated value in talking to people off the record and comparing notes and experiences. Hopefully it is understood that no one here (even a real doctor like hobbes) can offer you medical advice anonymously on a forum. See your irl provider for that. But the informality has some value as a supplement to professional therapy / treatments. The dyadic provider/patient relationship can be a closed loop in some ways; adding a third perspective (other patients) allows you to triangulate.
master,
I know this isn’t your field, but I thought of you when watching this video. This guy talks about finding a different career after writing what many consider to be the worst movie ever made: Battlefield Earth.
Damn I wish it actually worked like that.
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Which part? The people or the dog 
I really related to the end. My dog is my emotional support animal. It’s not just that she brings out the best in me because she needs me. I go for walks with her because she needs walks, and then I get the benefit of enjoying the walk with her. It forces me outside. And then there is no way not to be affected by her infectious joy if she hasn’t seen me for all of two minutes.
It’s more than that. She senses when I’m struck by an episode of depression or PTSD. She wakes from her nap if I’m quietly crying and comes to be with me, sometimes to cheer me up with play, and sometimes just to sit with me.
This is not me and my dog, but it looks a lot like this.
Plus being ESA lets her travel with me at no extra charge in hotels and on airplanes. #doglife
I will add that I have an ESA cat as well… She is a Bombay. I like that breed because they are the most dog-like cat. Very sociable, and they interact with the world in a way that’s more similar to dogs—>humans.
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It’s a problem of nomenclature but I always feel awkward clicking the heart button to offer support on these posts.
I hate myself and want to die
6ix likes this post!
No, 6ix doesn’t like that post. As a matter of fact, 6ix hates that post.
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked…
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I am re-reading THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. I found this part interesting. A study showed that trauma survivors
had abnormalities in their CD45 RA to RO ratio compared with their non-traumatized peers.
CD45 cells are the memory cells of the immune system. Some of them, called RA cells, have been activated by past exposures to toxins. They quickly respond to environmental threats they have encountered before.
The RO cells, in contrast, are kept in reserve for new challenges. They are turned on to deal with threats the body has not met previously.
The RA to RO ratio is the balance between cells that recognize known toxins and cells that wait for new information to activate.
In patients with history of [extreme abuse], the proportion of RA cells that are ready to pounce is larger than normal. This makes the immune system oversensitive to threat, so that it is prone to defense, even when it is not needed, even when that means attacking the body’s own cells.
Our studies showed that on a deep level, the bodies of [trauma survivors] have trouble distinguishing between danger and safety. This means that the imprint of past trauma does not consist only of distorted perceptions of information coming from the outside. The organism itself also has a problem knowing how to feel safe.
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I can’t really argue with this, but at the same time find it to be a huge bummer. The stigma of mental health is something I’d love for us to all be working against together, but it’s a vulnerable task if you don’t know with certainty that everyone is on the same page.
I really encourage my clients and college students to compare mental health issues to biological counterparts - both in terms of how they are understood and treated. If depression is the “mental health flu,” then it’s suddenly OK both to talk about it and to aggressively treat it - proactively and reactively. I am absolutely going to be taking some ibuprofen if I have a massive headache, and the same applies to coping skills for acute anxiety.
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We are finally diving into my traumas in therapy. Dunno how it took nearly 3 years but it’s prompted a shroom cry or three.
She likened my PTSD traumas in a metaphor to a dark corner of your house you rarely visit but you know is there, in my case it’s full of spiders because those are what I fear the most.
The goal ultimately is to get me to “feel” the pain I have been repressing for a very long time but it is such a natural response for me to bury any negative feeling emotion, or to retreat to escapism if I cannot bury it. So we’re probably going to cut some of my bad habits for a while too. Gonna be a bumpy ride, but I am finally ready I think.
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Glad to hear you’re making progress in therapy. Sounds like it will be a scary path forward, but you sound very ready to get through it. Sending good thoughts your way.
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A distinction that helps me:
Guilt: I made a mistake
Shame: I am a mistake
Guilt is healthy. Shame is toxic.
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That’s great to hear. I’m glad you were ready to take that step.
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I’m not sure if I like the comparison of depression with the flu, because that makes it sound like it’s only temporary and will go away. I prefer comparing a lot of mental issues to diabetes because it’s something you can live with, but you might have to make some lifestyle changes and commit to a routine maintenance plan to live the healthiest life possible.
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I view it like a cancer - it can go into remission for long periods of time (or forever), flare up suddenly, or kill you out of nowhere.
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I’ve been repressing emotions for so long that I worry that allowing that to come out is going to be a seismic event, a quick release of long-pent-up energy with the potential for great destruction. The longer I keep inside, the more energy is stored, and the bigger the risk of letting it all out.
I guess I’m wondering if you have had a similar concern affecting how you approach mental health issues.
My strategy has been to suppress all emotion. I bury both positive and negative emotions. It lets me function. For example, as a poker player, my self-control is my biggest asset. I don’t feel any pain from losing big pots, but I also don’t feel any joy from winning big pots.
The idea of feeling a moment of true happiness scares me almost as much as the idea of letting myself feel all the pain that I suppress. I don’t think that’s healthy, but I am afraid that the alternative could be worse.
FYI, I’m around that age and still don’t know what I want to do with my life. There’s no shame in it.
I don’t think it’s ever a bad thing to ask how someone is doing. If you have the type of relationship with this person that you can let them know you are concerned, that’s cool too. I have several coworkers who check in with me and let me know they care about me (I was severely depressed last year for about 6 months, most of which I spent fighting constant suicidal ideation). If it’s coming from a friend and is genuine, I can’t imagine that it would ever be poorly received.
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