I was very much like this with school and university. The deadline had to be looming over me for me to be able to get going.
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I hear that. How’s the deadlines treating going you these days?
I woke up this morning to a message from my 70-year-old career journalist godmother who lives in red af GA. She said she had slept through the whole night and just wanted to tell someone.
I asked oh wow, has it been a while? She said yeah, so I asked, “What changed?”
She said, “We won the election.”
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I’m not really a new and improved model if that’s what you’re asking. I am a bit better with work stuff but not great with stuff around the home. Lists are key and prioritising each list abc etc.
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No improvement needed. Just a status check.
64 on avoidant personality disorder. Rest weren’t high.
Pretty accurate description. I want closeness to others but my personality issues make that difficult.
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I’ve been thinking a lot about these results. It’s not really telling me anything that I didn’t already know about myself, but it does provide structure for organizing what I know about myself. I could point to so many of these things as reasons why I am a poker player.
One thing I’ve been pondering is the description for obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.
This describes me pretty well:
Individuals with this disorder usually express affection in a highly-controlled or stilted fashion and may be very uncomfortable in the presence of others who are emotionally expressive. Their everyday relationships have a formal and serious quality, and they may be stiff in situations in which others would smile and be happy (e.g., greeting a lover at the airport). They carefully hold themselves back until they are sure that whatever they say will be perfect. They may be preoccupied with logic and intellect.
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I’d be cautious drawing too many conclusions about yourself from this online test. It’s diagnostic efficacy is not really known.
Let’s say I have other evidence from sources you would consider acceptable that I am not a paragon of mental health.
Fair. I never thought of myself as the guy who would see a therapist until this year but can say it’s been a huge increase in my qualify of life. Highly recommend if you can.
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I don’t think I am capable of trusting someone enough to get anything out of seeing a therapist. At this point, I would have to be compelled by law or I would have to have someone I trust force me to go.
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Think about it in terms of EV. What are the potential costs of seeing a therapist and what are the potential benefits?
What do you think you will do with this beyond self-reflection? If anything. I’m a glutton for self-reflection myself.
Curious to hear more about the structure for organizing what you know about yourself. Just about the structure if you prefer to keep it vague. Made-up examples good as well to preserve your anonymity.
Has the structure helped define categories and concepts for yourself? Which, if any?
Could you describe what it is about these things that clarify for you why you are a poker player?
I have thought about it terms of EV. I consider the probability of positive benefits to be quite low so that it’s not worth the cost. It’s not like I have zero experience interacting with mental health professionals.
I don’t believe in self-deception. I have to know the truth. Sometimes, you see self-help articles which suggest tactics for fooling yourself into doing things that benefit you. Those don’t work on me.
If I can build a psychological profile of myself, I can predict what scenarios will give me trouble. I can plan ahead for what might happen and have strategies for avoidance or mitigation. I spend a lot of time thinking about what-ifs. It’s like building a decision tree in poker.
Let’s look at the description for schizoid personality disorder, for some things that help me as a poker player.
“Almost always chooses solitary activities:” While (live) poker is described as a social game, I find it in many ways to be a lonely activity. It’s a war of one against all. These are not my friends. I’m very compartmentalized and they know nothing about me away from the table.
“Takes pleasure in few, if any, activities”: One of the reasons I play poker is that it is one of the few activities I enjoy enough to be motivated to show up and work hard.
“Appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others”: It’s helpful to be unbothered by obnoxious players criticizing my play
“Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affect (emotion)”: One my biggest comparative advantages in poker is not being emotionally effected by the outcome of hands
I don’t view poker as a good thing. It’s a cesspool with some of the worst people I know. I’m not going to lie and pretend that poker player is some honorable profession that is unduly looked down upon. I’m no angel and I don’t necessarily deserve to be part of something better.
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I resisted therapy for a long time but there is an almost magical benefit to just saying the shit that bothers you out loud. For example I thought it was super weird and messed up that I thought bad things about my parents, and only learned in therapy that its normal! And no matter what bothers you or pisses you off, it will almost certainly not make it worse to talk about it.
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I believe there is great value in simply saying these things aloud to another person.
Your therapist doesn’t have to be anything more than a consequence-free listener.
I found it tough to talk to therapists in part because my parents taught me to lie to them about everything or face a hell of my own making. And then I struggled because none of them were smart enough to see through my deceptions.
It’s taken a lot of trial and error to 1) learn to be honest with a therapist 2) find a match who sees through enough of my remaining disguise to help me discard it.
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I’m not afraid of looking bad and being judged. I’m afraid of being involuntarily committed.
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So much this. I really should have started with therapy like 15 years ago. Would’ve been way better off.
I believe the standard for this varies by state but this is highly unlikely unless you express an imminent plan to harm yourself or commit a violent crime.