I hope this will be helpful for some people, but only take away what makes sense for you. This is not a replacement for other coping skills, but an addition.
Suicidal ideation is often a response to feeling trapped, like we’re desperately looking for any exit to the traumatic cage we’re experiencing in the moment. Your mind wants reassurance that there’s a theoretical escape from pain. And you deserve to know you won’t always feel this way.
But practice envisioning other escapes. Put suicide at “plan Z,” and start filling in plans B through Y. If things truly fall apart, what are your other escapes? Quit your job? Start playing poker again? Become a van lifer? Move to Panama? Start an Onlyfans account? Ideally at least one of your secondary plans is something actionable, so you can redirect “looking for an exit” into productive action (e.g., reading a poker book so you know your skills are fresh if the time comes). With practice, you should start fantasizing less about suicide, and more about Panama.
My escape fantasy is becoming an agent for Special Circumstances. Seems more practical than playing poker for a living. As shitty as things have been the last several years, I’ve never considered suicide, even though I do think about disappearing. And essentially, I have.
I have said it before but I have always known I will die by my own hand. I don’t mean to say it in like a way to freak anyone out, I am not suicidal at all. But I know one day I will get terminal or something and I’d rather go on my own terms. Probably move up to oregon and do an assisted suicide with a doctor if it was that serious.
Maybe it’s suicidal ideation but the fact that I know I can just peace out at any time gives me a lot of strength to face the world. I would never do it because there are people still around that care about me. Maybe it is a coping mechanism but I don’t think it’s extremely unhealthy unless you’re making actual plans to do it. Everyone’s different though. I have been living with depression for so long that these kinds of feelings have just become a part of who I am and it doesn’t cause me any distress.
Any advice on dealing with the idea of suicide being removed as an option because of kids? My wife and I are trying and it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot.
Yeah, I should add that my suggestion is mostly useful for anxiety and trauma-related suicidality which are closely wound to fight/flight mechanisms - and not a perfect fix for all contexts. Just another tool for the toolbox.
As someone with sleep apnea I just wanted to weigh in and say I think your approach of trying to be consistent with a few changes for a few weeks is a really good approach.
Sleep apnea tends to get worse with age and/or weight gain, so even if it was mild 5 years ago it might not be so mild anymore. It is also the sort of thing where you might not notice a major change in a few days, but over time the difference in sleep quality starts to add up. Or more to the point the sleep debt is no longer adding up.
I think I got my CPAP machine about 6 years ago. I can count on one hand how many nights I didn’t use it. Somehow there are people who seem to function well even with poor sleep, but I am on the opposite end of the spectrum.
If one of the barriers to you using your CPAP regularly is comfort, you could consider trying some of the different mask types to see if something works better for you. I switched to the Philips Dreamwear nasal mask about 12 months ago and find it a lot more comfortable:
thanks man, appreciate it. I actually have the same mask and its great. I’m just lazy/bad at keeping up habits like this. Hopefully by end of 14 days or so i’ll notice a large difference.
Today:
In a significantly better place after 10 months of weekly therapy. I would say that we were touch and go for a handful of months, which in retrospect scares me as I reconcile with what a fucking awful place I was in. At the time, I thought - if the marriage fails, then life goes on. Now, I can’t imagine getting through life without her.
I appreciate you all sharing so candidly. For me, it’s therapy to read how other people are feeling and processing. As my wife has taught me, I’m holding some fucking space in my heart for you.
I think about this a lot. One big issue for me that affects my mood and creates a negative feedback loop is an inability to break myself away from whatever stupid thing I got sucked into, like scrolling through the internet on my phone. I lose hours at a time, and when I’m depressed it’s even worse. It’s such a bizarre and frustrating thing. It’s like I’m trapped in my head. I know what I should be doing, I know that it would improve my mood, I know that continuing to stay zoned out will make me hate myself even more and make my mood worse, but I can’t connect the circuit that triggers movement/action to put my phone down or to get off the couch. In my worst moments I’m basically screaming at myself inside my head, and a couple times I just break down crying out of frustration and anger at myself.
On another level it fascinates me, like what is going on in my head that prevents such a simple change in my actions? Other people don’t seem to have the same problem, or at least not nearly as severe as what I experience. My therapist and my psychiatrist both say I probably have some form of ADHD, although I’ve never been tested. From what they describe and what I’ve read about it, it rings true with many of my experiences, but I dunno.
I feel you there. I think a lot of us suffer from that regarding the internet in general. It’s designed to be addictive. Social media in particular, but also the internet in general. Tiny little dopamine spikes that give us the sensation of productivity and reward without actually accomplishing anything at all. I think a person has to be very deliberate about what they’re manifesting with their time on the internet or it quickly becomes a huge waste of time.
The thing is that we all need a good waste of time LOL. I remind myself about that every time I start to feel lazy or like I’m procrastinating or doing something silly and meaningless. Who cares if it’s meaningless? We all need a little of that. Sometimes meaningless fun is the best time you’ll ever have.
The thing that helps me lately is to use a timer. Set an alarm or use an app.
I work from home, so it is REALLY easy for me to lose the day if I don’t set a schedule and limits. I use one app on my phone that plants a forest one tree at a time for 20 minutes. I set that one for work. Then I set an alarm for another 20 minutes to relax. So I mean I can dick around on the internet or read a book or watch TV or something while relaxing, but once the alarm goes off, it snaps me out of the trance and I would have to make a deliberate decision not to get back to work.
I’ve started doing that for other stuff, like using that app and planting a 20-minute tree while reading a book. That way I know there’s a beginning, middle, and end to the activity. I can choose to continue it, but I don’t start it wondering when it will end. Sometimes that’s what really stops me from starting something meaningful, the fear that I have no idea how much time this is going to take, but it feels never ending. So I just set limits for the time I spend on it day to day and see how that adds up over time.
@ViridianDreams adding on to RF’s advice, something that seems to be helping me is musicproductivity.com - its a pomodoro timer that you can hook up to your spotify account.
If you arent familiar with the pomodoro technique its basically setting out to do x periods of focussed work, broken up with deliberate breaks. The site I listed lets you customize the length of the work, the amount of work periods, and the length of the breaks. I started at just 4 periods of 25 mins a few months back and am now at 8. It doesnt mean I only do work during those periods, but you kinda just need to teach yourself when you are in a pomodoro to not do anything else. Close other browsers or whatever.
Anyway, for me its a means to building my ability to focus back up. Seems to help so far.
True, but people should be careful. I’ve been doxxed (my fault) and my name is well known. But I’ve lived so long underneath that, and the person who was trying to harm me has mostly disappeared, so I don’t worry about it so much anymore.
But still, like yea, use some caution (and I think everyone is). There’s a significant amount of stigma with this stuff.
