My own submission would have been one of two songs that coincidentally are both called (The) Highwayman. Depending on how much I am willing to annoy you I sent you either the 10 minute or the 3:30 minute song.
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Tier 1: Penny Dreadfuls
In 16th place, scoring 1 point, @pyatnitski with The Thousand and Tenth Day of the Human Totem Pole by Captain Beefheart and his Magic Band
Can this be considered a story? I guess in a way. A piece of satire perhaps. Doesn’t really matter. I don’t find any access to this as it frequently happens with avant-garde songs. This is simply too artsy for me. When the disharmonic trumpets(?) set in Captain Beefheart is really losing me. Is this even meant to be listened to?
LYRICS:
[Verse]
The thousandth and tenth day of the human totem pole;
The morning was distemper grey
Of the thousandth and tenth day of the human totem pole
The man at the bottom was smiling
He had just finished his breakfast smiling
It hadn’t rained or manured for over two hours
The man at the top was starving
The pole was a horrible looking thing
With all of those eyes and ears
And waving hands for balance
There was no way to get a copter in close
So everybody was starving together
The man at the top had long ago given up
But didn’t have nerve enough to climb down
At night the pole would talk to itself
And the chatter wasn’t too good
Obviously the pole didn’t like itself
It wanted to walk!
It was the summer and it was hot
And balance wouldn’t permit skinning to undergarments
It was an integrated pole, it was taking on an reddish brown cast
Exercise on the pole was isometric
Kind of a flex and then balance
Then the highest would roll together
The ears wiggle, hands balance
There was a gurgling and googling heard
A tenth of the way up the pole
Approaching was a small child
With Statue of Liberty doll
[Instrumental]
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Lolz. Figured this was coming but I could not resist, I bloody love that song.
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+1 for that is a bold move cotton
“It hadn’t rained or manured for over two hours”. I mean, come on. If that doesn’t get me a podium, nothing will.
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That’s a great line. Regrettably it is accompanied by (and I am using that term loosely) music.
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Anyway,…
In 15th place, scoring 2 points, @LikeClockwork with Toilet Tisha by OutKast
I can’t point to anything I like about this. Not the beat, the singing, not the spoken part, not the voice acted part. I would never have guessed this is an OutKast song with the disclaimer that I am only familiar with their hits (Ms.Jackson, Hey Ya!, B.O.B etc) which I all like. This doesn’t live up that standard.
Have you heard the news today
They say a little 14 year old little girl had a baby on the way
Too much for her little mind to bare
And that type of news to her mama she cannot spare
Toilet Tisha, damn we miss ya
Toilet Tisha is the issue
Damn we miss ya, Toilet Tisha
Damn we miss ya
Don’t go away
Don’t you dare go away from me girl I can help you
Don’t go away dont you dare leave me
Don’t go away, away
Don’t go away
Five thousand, one hundred ten days
Is a short period of time a mere fourteen years
On this precious mother earth, you see Tisha had issues
And her decision making skills were still in it’s early stages
You know what I’m talking about
Therefore she could not properly handle a blessing in which
She thought to be an obstacle in her path to adulthood
Pause, just like a brother with a thousand pauses
Should I, shouldn’t I, I cant, I have to, mama will never see me the same
Daddy and Big Mama I know all of them gonna be ashamed of me
Are just a few thoughts racing through her cranium
As she sits on top of the pale,
Cold porcelain seat in the rear of the house
The unthinkable moments away from becoming reality, sadly with no clue
And no way of expressing her feeling
To her mam or anybody else in her life
Tisha done came to the crossroads and now she got to choose
Fatality, fatality, fatality, fatality
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Noooooo! Lol that’s rough. I legit thought I had a shot at the podium here, notwithstanding your love of rock.
Oh well. This song rules. And you, sir, are
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Since beating a trash can with a hammer could be considered music, I have a saying for this stuff: “It may be [music / art / a poem], but it’s not [musical / artistic / poetic].”
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Hey I finally managed to embed a gif so I’m victorious no matter my ranking.
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Bunch of grumpy Philistines here. Sad!
In 14th place, scoring 3 points, @Twist with The Last Time I Saw Richard by Joni Mitchell
The high notes in this song are simply too annoying and keeps me from getting into it. We get a story about a love that might have been, of different choices made. Something that many of us might be able to relate to in one way or another. The piano tune suits it well. With different vocals we might have had something here.
The last time I saw Richard was Detroit in '68
And he told me all romantics meet the same fate someday
Cynical and drunk and boring someone in some dark cafe
You laugh, he said you think you’re immune, go look at your eyes
They’re full of moon
You like roses and kisses and pretty men to tell you
All those pretty lies, pretty lies
When you gonna realize they’re only pretty lies
Only pretty lies, just pretty lies
He put a quarter in the Wurlitzer, and he pushed
Three buttons and the thing began to whir
And a bar maid came by in fishnet stockings and a bow tie
And she said drink up now it’s gettin’ on time to close
Richard, you haven’t really changed, I said
It’s just that now you’re romanticizing some pain that’s in your head
You got tombs in your eyes, but the songs
You punched are dreaming
Listen, they sing of love so sweet, love so sweet
When you gonna get yourself back on your feet?
Oh and love can be so sweet, love so sweet
Richard got married to a figure skater
And he bought her a dishwasher and a coffee percolator
And he drinks at home now most nights with the TV on
And all the house lights left up bright
I’m gonna blow this damn candle out
I don’t want nobody comin’ over to my table
I got nothing to talk to anybody about
All good dreamers pass this way some day
Hidin’ behind bottles in dark cafes
Dark cafes
Only a dark cocoon before I get my gorgeous wings
And fly away
Only a phase, these dark cafe days
In 13th place, scoring 4 points, @King_of_NY with Kim by Eminem
I like Eminem and I probably heard everything he has put out. The fact that I didn’t remember this one means I never felt the urge to get back to it. Oh, another song where Eminem complains about his ex-wife. We get it, your relationship status is “It’s complicated”. Remember when I complained about hip-hop songs boring us with the same beat for minutes on end? Guess what, here’s one more.
Eminem’s frantic screeching is exaggerated and no amount of auto-tune can save his terrible singing. It’s a nice category fit but this is no Stan.
Aww, look at daddy’s baby girl
That’s daddy’s baby, little sleepy head
Yesterday I changed your diaper
Wiped you and powdered you
How did you get so big?
Can’t believe it, now you’re two
Baby, you’re so precious
Daddy’s so proud of you
Sit down, bitch! You move again
I’ll beat the shit out of you! (Okay!)
Don’t make me wake this baby!
She don’t need to see what I’m 'bout to do!
Quit crying, bitch! Why do you always make me shout at you?!
How could you just leave me and love him out the blue?!
Oh, what’s the matter, Kim? Am I too loud for you?!
Too bad, bitch! You’re gonna finally hear me out this time!
At first I’m like, “Aight, you wanna throw me out, that’s fine!”
But not for him to take my place, are you out your mind?!
This couch, this TV, this whole house is mine!
How could you let him sleep in our bed?! Look it, Kim!
Look at your husband now! (No!) I said look at him!
He ain’t so hot now, is he, little punk?!
(Why are you doing this?!) Shut the fuck up! (You’re drunk!
You’re never gonna get away with this!) You think I give a fuck?!
Come on! We’re going for a ride, bitch! (No!) Sit up front!
(We can’t just leave Hailie alone, what if she wakes up?)
We’ll be right back, well, I will, you’ll be in the trunk!
So long, bitch, you did me so wrong
I don’t wanna go on
Living in this world without you
So long, bitch, you did me so wrong
I don’t wanna go on
Living in this world without you
You really fucked me, Kim! You really did a number on me!
Never knew me cheatin’ on you would come back to haunt me
But we was kids then, Kim, I was only eighteen
That was years ago, I thought we wiped the slate clean
That’s fucked up! (I love you!) Oh God, my brain is racin’
(I love you!) What are you doing? Change the station!
I hate this song! Does this look like a big joke? (No!)
There’s a -year-old little
Laying dead with a slit throat in your living room!
Ha-ha! What, you think I’m kiddin’ you?!
You loved him, didn’t you? (No!)
Bullshit, you bitch! Don’t fuckin’ lie to me!
What the fuck’s this guy’s problem on the side of me?
Fuck you, asshole! Yeah, bite me!
Kim, Kim! Why don’t you like me?
You think I’m ugly, don’t you? (It’s not that!) No, you think I’m ugly
(Baby!) Get the fuck away from me! Don’t touch me!
I hate you! I hate you! I swear to God, I hate you!
Oh my God, I love you! How the fuck could you do this to me?!
(I’m sorry!) How the fuck could you do this to me?!
So long, bitch, you did me so wrong
I don’t wanna go on
Living in this world without you
So long, bitch, you did me so wrong
I don’t wanna go on
Living in this world without you
Come on, get out! (I can’t! I’m scared!)
I said get out, bitch! (Let go of my hair!
Please don’t do this, baby! Please! I love you!
Look, we can just take Hailie and leave!) Fuck you!
You did this to us! You did it! It’s your fault!
Oh my God, I’m crackin’ up, get a grip, Marshall!
Hey, remember the time we went to Brian’s party
And you were, like, so drunk that you threw up all over Archie?
That was funny, wasn’t it? (Yes)
That was funny, wasn’t it?! (Yes!)
See, it all makes sense, doesn’t it?
You and your husband have a fight
One of you tries to grab a knife
And during the struggle he accidentally gets his Adam’s apple sliced (No!)
And while this is going on, his son just woke up
And he walks in, she panics, and he gets his throat cut
(Oh my God!) So now they both dead
And you slash your own throat
So now it’s double homicide and suicide with no note
I shoulda known better when you started to act weird
We coulda— hey, where you going? Get back here!
You can’t run from me, Kim! It’s just us, nobody else
You’re only makin’ this harder on yourself!
Ha-ha, got ya! Go ahead, yell!
Here, I’ll scream with you, “Ah, somebody help!”
Don’t you get it, bitch? No one can hear you!
Now shut the fuck up and get what’s comin’ to you!
You were supposed to love me!
Now bleed, bitch, bleed! Bleed, bitch, bleed! Bleed!
So long, bitch, you did me so wrong
I don’t wanna go on
Living in this world without you
So long, bitch, you did me so wrong
I don’t wanna go on
Living in this world without you
Tier 2: Pulp Fiction
In 12th place, scoring 5 points, @NhlNut with Tin Pan Alley by Stevie Ray Vaughan
This song has all the hallmarks of a blues song. The issue is that I don’t really like blues because of all the hallmarks of blues songs. Sing a line, strum a few notes on the guitar. Rinse. Repeat. The bass does its monotonous thing in the background. For 9 minutes. Yes, Stevie Ray Vaughan has a very good voice. Yes, we get what I assume is a technically competent guitar solo. You better tell one hell of a story to keep me engrossed. This isn’t the case here. Long story short, maybe it is a great blues song but this isn’t for me.
Went down to Tin Pan Alley
See what was goin’ on
Things was too hot down there
Couldn’t stay very long
Hey hey hey hey
Alley’s the roughest place I’ve ever been
All the people down there
Livin’ for their whisky, wine, and gin
I heard a woman scream
Yeah and I peeped through the door
Some cat was workin’ on Annie with a
Lord with a two-by-four
Hey hey hey hey
Alley’s the roughest place I’ve ever been
All the people down there
Livin’ for their whisky, wine, and gin
I heard a pistol shoot
Yeah and it was a .44
Somebody killed a crap shooter
Cause he didn’t shake, rattle, and roll
Hey hey hey hey,
Alley’s the roughest place I’ve ever been
All the people down there
Killin’ for their whisky, wine, and gin
I saw a cop standing
With his hand on his gun
He said, this is a raid boy
Nobody run
Hey hey hey hey,
Alley’s the roughest place I’ve ever been
Yeah they took me away from Alley
Lord they took me right back to the pen
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Lol. And I’m not laughing AT you here.
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In 11th place, scoring 6 points, @Jalfrezi with Fourth Time Around by Bob Dylan
I think it is generally accepted that Dylan is not a great singer and his qualities lie more on the song-writing side. It’s a simple song with Dylan plucking at his acoustic guitar, the occasional harmonica and a dull drum track. Pretty much what you’d expect. The lyrics/story aren’t/isn’t very compelling. That’s how you end up in these latitudes.
When she said, "Don’t waste your words, they’re just lies, "
I cried she was deaf.
And she worked on my face until breaking my eyes,
Then said, “What else you got left?”
It was then that I got up to leave
But she said, “Don’t forget,
Everybody must give something back
For something they get.”
I stood there and hummed,
I tapped on her drum
I asked her how come.
And she buttoned her boot,
And straightened her suit,
Then she said, “Don’t get cute.”
So I forced my hands in my pockets
And felt with my thumbs,
And gallantly handed her
My very last piece of gum.
She threw me outside,
I stood in the dirt where everyone walked.
And after finding I’d forgotten my shirt,
I went back and knocked.
I waited in the hallway, she went to get it,
And I tried to make sense
Out of…
Good. I was starting to think I am talking to myself here. 
Not knowing much/any folky boomer music has benefited me so far in this category 
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