Reminds me of Mort Sahl’s joke about Nixon and Kissinger:
“Nixon’s the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore he’d throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than halfway.”
this one actually was a tad too edgy imo
The coffee one needs
5th coffee, my eyes are shaking in their sockets and I will sleep roughly 45 minutes tonight, but I finished that TPS report Ive been putting off for 6 weeks.
I lived this. At my wedding.
When my wife and I started dating and were in the “I’m totally obsessed with you, you are my life, I can’t stop thinking about you” stage, I wrote her some poems. We hired a rent-a-rabbi for our wedding, as it was not near where we lived. As part of him getting to know us, we had to e-mail him things we loved about each other, shit like that. She sent him some of the poems I wrote.
During the ceremony, without running it by either of us, he read one of them. In front of my parents. My friends. Everyone.
Now, on the flip side, he read something she wrote about me, which included the line, “He has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever known.”
He misspoke and never realized it, saying, “He has the biggest PART of anyone I’ve ever known.” It brought down the house, but he just kept going because he had no idea. I have made it a tradition to post the video on Facebook every anniversary.
So in the receiving line, I got a lot of congratulations on being quite the romantic and having a massive member. My wife got congrats, too.
At a recent cousin-in-laws son’s wedding (that we sadly did not attend), the maid of honor, mentioned in her speech that she had taught the bride all about fellatio and the groom should thank her for that.
But hearing it from other family members was hilarious. Would have loved to have seen the faces of a couple of the holier than thou older family members.
At my rehearsal dinner one of my wife’s bridesmaids made a toast where she said my wife “kissed a LOT of frogs before finding her Prince”.
That just means you were the first Rehab-able toad.
You should have said “what’s a LOT?”
That was me before Olanzapine. Now I would not get up after 10pm for anything less than going back to sleep.
imo
