Almost picked this one instead of my actual pick. Solid value.
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This is the one I was going to guest draft. I assume the reason that this steaming pile wasn’t picked earlier is that it’s on every single “bad xmas song” list and it’s too obvious. But look, if you have a “best rebounder” draft you don’t leave off Wilt Chamberlain just because he’s on every list.
This song offends me. I don’t say that to be funny. I get actively angry when I think about its existence. I resent the fact that someone thought this was funny or cute. It get that it’s a novelty song, and the excuse might be that it’s for kids. This is horseshit. I was offended by this song when I was 8 or ten years old. I was not a savvy kid (this was in the 80s) but even then I recognized pandering when I saw it, even though I didn’t know what pandering was.
It’s just cynical inane sugary diarrhea. I mean, even (say) the Bieber song was arguably “authentic” in that it is an expression of Biebs and he genuinely wanted to do the song and thought it was a decent song. He was terribly wrong, of course. Same with the Feliz Navidad song. At least he probably thought he was making a good song. The Chipmunks thing is just crass cashing in.
Also, ask yourself If you had to listen to Feliz Navidad five times in a row at full blast, or this turd, which would it be?
Oh by the way if you want to get even madder, wiki says this song won three Grammys. Let that sink in
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Going to use my last pick to go after a classic. It’s not nearly as bad as my other picks, but it’s way too famous and I’m sick of it. I’m sure there are other versions of this song that are musically worse, but this is the one everyone knows, so let’s just roll with this.
Gene Autry - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Let’s look at the lyrics:
You know Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen
Comet, and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen
But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?
Right off the bat, this makes no goddamn sense at all. If someone had knowledge of less famous reindeer, why would recalling “the most famous” one be a challenge? It’s like if the song started listing Arizona cities “You know Tempe and Yuma and Tucson and Glendale. Scottsdale and Flagstaff and Chandler and Mesa. BUT HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ABOUT PHOENIX???”
Fucking stupid.
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games
So the other reindeer are complete dicks. That’s not nice.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say
"Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Then how the reindeer loved him as they shouted out with glee
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history"
Oh so now we’ve found out that your freakish deformity is useful. We love you now!
What kind of lesson is that?
And now we’re done. 11 lines isn’t much of a song, but whatever, at least it’s over. The last line ends at 1:15 and musical outro and then we’re wrapped up at 1:30 right? Wrong. There’s more.
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say
"Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Then how the reindeer loved him as they shouted out with glee
"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history"
What the fuck. You’re telling a story and the story ends. There’s no need to tell it again to drag the length out to over 3 minutes.
If you want to add more lines, have Rudolph say “fuck that shit”, kick Santa in the nuts and burn down the factory at the North Pole.
Final roster:
NewSong - The Christmas Shoes
Michael Bublé - Santa Baby
Justin Bieber - Drummer Boy
Crazy Frog - Jingle Bells
New Kids on the Block - Funky, Funky, Xmas
Gene Autry - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
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Am I next or something?
We’re at the “finish the draft” whenever you are able to stage.
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Well to end my draft, we go to the horrorcore genre and probably the most inappropriate Christmas song beyond Santa having AIDS.
I mean you hear horrorcore and Christmas and you think, “How fucked up would your family have to be to play this at a family Christmas gathering?”
My draft
- Tiny Tim - “Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS This Year”
- The Cheeky Girls - “Have A Cheeky Christmas”
- Basshunter - “Jingle Bells”
- John Legend ft. Kelly Clarkson - “Baby It’s Cold Outside”
- John Denver - “Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas”
- Insane Clown Posse & Twiztid - “Murder City Christmas”
- Band Aid: Do they know its Christmas
- Rolf Harris (Convicted Pedophile): 6 white boomers
- Cliff Richard: Mistletoe and Whine
- Bucko and Champs: Aussie Jingle Bells
- Korn: Jingle Balls
And finally
- Mariah Carey: Santa claus is coming to town
Now. Love Mariah. And she does her best. But these lyrics.
"
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He’s making a list
He’s checking it twice
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
He sees you when you’re sleeping
And he knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake"
Santa keeping an eye on what a bunch of “naughty” kids are doing in bed at night… that’s not okay in the modern era.
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The song itself is bad. I don’t think there’s a single musician that can redeem it.
I realize that this is almost certainly a failing of mine and nothing else, but I didn’t hate that ICP song.
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Yeah. I liked it.
This is a dumb song, maybe the worst of the most popular ones. Get your ugly duckling shit out of my xmas song
This is fantastic wordsmithing by the way. The meter is just about perfect until you deliberately break it for good effect.
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I think all official players have their 6 now? If so I’ll drop the one song I feel strongly about and provide a write-up.
Please do!
Don’t mind if I do! Been lurking this thread and my most-hated song wasn’t drafted. This fucking piece of shit gets played literally every 30 minutes at every casino and other service-related establishment for weeks straight.
This rapidly rose to the top of my personal worst song draft when it was repeatedly assaulting my ears when I worked at a casino. The lyrics are absolutely moronic, the music is grating and repetitive, and worst of all, it’s that specific type of mid-century jazzy tune that gets stuck in your brain and rots it from the inside.
Fuck that man with his fucking bag. (Also, unintentionally gangster? Argh)
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I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that.
I didn’t mind it, but I can imagine it would get quite annoying if I had to hear it over a dozen times every day for a month at work.
I think thats part of my annoyance. There is NO reason it should all of a sudden appear on retail playlists. No one’s heard it before, then boom, it’s all you hear all day? Why? It doesn’t deserve heavy rotation!
Interesting. I kinda like this one because it’s a change of pace in most of my experience. I don’t hear it very much at all, so I don’t have the hatred for it that you do.
LOL as I’m transcribing this my opinion is quickly changing. I think I can make a case for it being on both the WOAT and GOAT Xmas songs lists. I’ll go ahead and drop the “why it’s bad” reasoning since I already wrote it.
This is along the same lines as what @skydiver8 is pointing out:
Let me start by saying the songs chosen in this thread are truly awful, especially the first two picks. In a vacuum they might all be objectively worse than what I’m about to show you inside this Pulp Fiction briefcase of horror, but I want you to think deeply for a moment about what your own personal hell would look like.
Imagine the psychological torture of being force fed a vacuous, grating Muzak jingle played on the hour like clockwork for the rest of eternity, particularly in a strip mall retail setting full of suburbanite Karens bopping away to this as they shop for plastic junk kitchen trinkets produced by child slave labor in some third world country. I give you Santa Forever featuring Mia Crosby:
The video is the most ridiculous cheese imaginable, and the track is produced by something called The Sound of Monday which is too perfect. As far as the actual recording goes, stylistically it’s a bizarre 50s doo-wop vibe but with a grating lead vocal that has a metallic uncanny valley property that sounds autotuned or comb filtered (maybe both). The lyrics are completely vapid and just another shallow attempt to use Christmas as a conduit for a cheeseball “love” song:
There’s a time and place each year
When Santa makes real love appear
In just one night, his gift of glee
In the form of just one boy for me
Santa forever
Never say never
He’ll fly 'cross the sky
To bring me my guy
Bags full of timeless love
As he flies through wintery skies above
That’s some ho-ho-hope you hear
Flown first class by eight reindeer
However, my opinion of the actual music (not the recording, just the notes on paper) is quite different. It’s actually pretty brilliant in that regard and a big reason why you can’t unhear this song. For example, listen to how dissonant the beginning of each verse is (“There’s a time and place each year, when Santa makes real love appear”). That harmony is pretty far out there for a Christmas song.
While you’re shopping this Christmas, please think of the brave men and women slaving away for pennies at retail outlets across America who are being subjected to this form of Chinese water torture probably two to three times on the hour.
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