I am, thanks. Unfortunately, it seems that the depression is something that I’m going to have to manage indefinitely. I’ve had a couple relapses since then, but I’m in a much better position to recognize what’s going on and I have much better tools to effectively and safely deal with my emotional state. Mental health counseling has kept me alive in a very literal sense.
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That’s very good to hear. I know from personal and also from family experience that these things tend to recur with a frequency that varies wildly from person to person. It really is all about managing it and learning how to live with it, like with many chronic illnesses.
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I got a gun for one reason only. If we legit go nazi Germany I’m joining the resistance even if there is zero chance of winning. I dont have kids so fuck it.
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Glad to hear you are in a better place now. Please stay on top of it as best you can and ask for help if things start slipping again. The pain caused by suicide is immeasurable.
I had a very close family friend die from suicide 2 years ago. He had been friends with my mom since they were kids. He had 4 kids of his own, and his daughter was 7 months pregnant with his first grandkid. He was the most caring, genuinely nice, hilarious, empathetic man you’d ever meet. One day he woke up, drove to the police station, and shot himself in his car. I don’t think his family even knew there was a gun in the house. Nobody knows why he did it.
That shit is devastating to the people you leave behind. Just completely, indescribably devastating. And now here I am, years later, bawling my eyes out just thinking about it.
Please ask for help.
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He sounds like he has the heart of a subchampion.
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Four years in, but justice is right around the corner guys
https://twitter.com/neal_katyal/status/1300758746910593024?s=21
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I appreciate the perspective, thanks for sharing. Not to get too dark, but this is the Trump thread, so we’re already there aren’t we, one of my fears about starting a family is that at some point along the line because of a perfect storm of random events and one slip up on my part that will be it and I’ll leave a bunch of people behind devastated. Depression is insidious, it just hijacks your brain and turns it against you. When you are in the grips of it, there’s not much that can break the thoughts and the general sense of hopelessness. It’s terrible because normally I’m extremely empathetic and overly conscientious, and considerate of how my actions affect others. Yet in my darker periods, the consideration of others and the effect my loss would have is almost completely tamped down by the overwhelming sense of hopelessness and despair. It’s a terrible conundrum. To be clear, I’m fully aware that I have a great life and have tons of people in my life who love and support me. I know that at any point I could pick up a phone and someone would be there for me. I’ve had so many people tell me the same thing. But, not to minimize those people or the gesture, it’s better than nothing, but when I’m in that space, none of it matters. Our brains are so good at coming up with justifications for our actions and feelings that when depression takes the brain over, it’s really fucking scary. It even I corporates my own understanding of depression to make the situation seem more hopeless. For example, I have thoughts now about how this will be a lifelong struggle for me, because it wasn’t a one-off event. That feeds into my depression because on all but my best days it’s pretty mentally exhausting to deal with the constant impulse to interpret all information in a negative light. So when depression is at the helm, that future seems so bleak and exhausting to me that the alternative, just ending it, is so much more appealing. It’s fucking terrible. Anyway, I hope this isn’t over sharing, but I felt compelled to share it to maybe provide a little more understanding to others out there and to encourage anyone who thinks they are depressed or having suicidal ideations to please go find a professional to help you, this is not something we are well equipped to handle alone. And one final thing re: therapists, I know this is easier said than done, but if you’ve had a bad experience with a therapist, please don’t let that deter you, finding the right one might take a few tries, it’s not at all a one-size-fits all thing. Therapy is incredibly personal and it helps to have someone you are comfortable with and can effectively listen to you and communicate in a way that makes you comfortable and in a way that you will be able to hear.
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Thanks for sharing. That’s valuable insight.
I’m so glad I’m not the only person who hits space instead of “n” or vice versa. Annoys the hell out of me lol.
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I’ve watched more NBA in the past two weeks than the rest of my life combined. Jokes on you.
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They are almost all like that lady lawyer in St. Louis
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People definitely need to take care of themselves. I went through a similar crisis for the first time at age 49, little over a year ago. I was hospitalized for several weeks and had several more months of intensive therapy. Was never close to anything like that before but have struggled with depression all my life.
Nobody should think they have gotten too old to feel suicidal for the first time. There is no age limit. Even with so much external badness going on in the world, my internal outlook is 180 degrees From where it was last year.
Please take care of your mental health.
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Oh good. Trump has a dead loser court case on his hands. I guess when he “fucks you” the results we can start over.
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Definitely is a wholly irrational place for most people who get there. It really is hard to convey how totally enveloping it is, agreed.
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For me the darkest times have always been driven by shame. I will write more on this later as I went through some very difficult times but the most important thing for me is to actively fight the sense than I am a loser, daily.
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I found negative thoughts about myself were my biggest problem. When I was able to get a hold of that it helped tremendously. Unfortunately it can get to a point where it feels impossible.
I think all of us agree if someone out there is struggling, please act sooner rather than later.
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When you do, please tag me. I’m interested to read your experiences. A lot of my negative feelings come from shame as well. I grew up in a conservative Christian family and community and that has had long-lasting effects on my thinking that have survived despite the fact that I’m no longer religious or conservative. On a certain level, it fascinates me.
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Is there a mental health thread? Because if there isn’t, there should be.
I don’t think I’m the guy who is qualified enough to create it though.
This is my pet hate atm… 
They say its the small things that get to you. 
As long as I can remember I always just kind of assumed I would eventually kill myself. It just felt like a foregone conclusion. In the last years of my alcoholism and addiction I started thinking about it constantly - I’d hear a sad song on the radio and think “this would be great to have at my funeral” or I’d see a tree and think that it might be a good one to hang myself from. From there I progressed to active planning, when and where etc. I was going to take a bunch of pills and then drive off a cliff in the Angeles Forest. When I had my “moment of clarity” that began my journey in sobriety part of it was realizing that it wasn’t so much that I wanted to die, but that I could not possibly continue to live the way I had been (which included but was not limited to drugs and alcohol). Part of the “I need to kill myself to get out of this” mentality for me was that change wasn’t going to be possible. I can’t exactly say what allowed me to initially consider the possibility that changing was worth a shot, but I definitely picked up some hope when I got to AA and met people who had been like me and had obviously changed.
Suicidal thinking persisted for me until I was around five years sober, so two and a half years ago. I wasn’t planning or anything, but it probably crossed my mind a couple of times a day, just a reflexive thought when something wasn’t going the way I wanted it to. Since then, it has mostly been removed from me. I sometimes fantasize about changing my name, getting a new identity, and moving to live in a shack in the desert as a hermit for the rest of my life, which I think is kind of Suicide Lite, but even that has gotten much better with a renewed dedication to a daily practice of sobriety.
And yeah that’s why I never got a gun either. Pretty sure I wouldn’t be here now, but who really knows.
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