Thatās actually a pretty good sweet spot, since he should be capable of practicing some self-management skills while also being responsive to parental reinforcement. Best practice is a combination of both: identify specific target skills, track those skills, and implement meaningful rewards for completion. My likely top few daily target skills with a hypothetical 12-year-old would be something like the following:
- Develop a to-do/assignment list with estimated completion times for each task. Cross out tasks as they are completed.
- Reframe a challenge (or the negative thinking associated with it) in a more positive/empowering way. E.g., practice translating āTHIS ASSIGNMENT IS THE EFFING WORSTā to āthis will feel so great to finish!ā
- Complete x amount of work without becoming distracted. X can either be time-based (anywhere 10-45 minutes depending on his capacity) or task-based (e.g., complete one assignment). Short recreational breaks between these time blocks are also appropriate.
- Regulate acute frustrations with the following three steps:
a. Take a deep breath
b. Put the problem into perspective (e.g., "Is this problem going to matter a week from now? When Iām 90 years old?)
c. Identify and pursue a strategy for making the problem slightly better
Ideally, Iād track daily completion of each of these with a weekly chart, and then tie them into a combination of tangible and social rewards. A hypothetical example at the outset would be to earn 1-3 pieces of a desired Lego box for each of the above, alongside an enthusiastic high-five and praise from you and/or your partner. You could also track these objectives as āpoints,ā then allow him to trade in various numbers of points for different rewards (e.g., choosing dinner, playing a game with dad, etc.).
Parents often balk at stuff like this because it feels like ābribing,ā but itās better to think about this as earning trophies for something that is inherently challenging - particularly to kids with ADHD. In the long-term, weāre helping them to develop positive associations and habits via introduction of dopamine into contexts that otherwise are profoundly under-stimulating. You can fade out the inclusion of tangible rewards once positive habits are fully established.
The last ābest practiceā piece is just to minimize environmental distractions, and to teach him to eventually do the same. Avoiding multiple chrome tabs, leaving his phone outside the study room, etc. are all worthwhile goals for the long-term.
Below is explicitly what I often share with parents and older teens, which should give you an idea of the general principals.
Organize, Minimize, Maximize: The OMM model of getting things done and achieving inner peace.
Organize your work
Keep your life (calendar, assignment notebook, to-do-list) all in one place (e.g., app).
Specify tasks in terms of priority (e.g., due tomorrow) and estimated time required
Break extended tasks into manageable chunks
Consistently utilize this resource. Declutter your mind by moving the clutter elsewhere!
Maintain a consistent organization system for your computer folders, desk, etc.
Minimize distractions
Work in a quiet environment with minimal distractions
Close non-essential computer programs/browser tabs
Leave your phone elsewhere or keep it silent
Etc.
Redirect avoidant thinking and distractions
āI could do this laterā should be replaced with āIt will feel so great to get this done NOWā
Compassionately notice when you get distracted, and redirect your attention back to your work. Practice mindfulness.
Maximize reward:
Complete work in reasonable chunks, then reward yourself (e.g., internal accolades, free time)
Practice positive thinking. Reframe challenges as opportunities. How does this task relate to your long-term goals? What can you learn from doing this (even if itās just ālearning how to deal with crappy assignmentsā)
Practice efficient and effective problem-solving skills
