Trump: Well a very stable genius is better cause of very. So you look at Mike Pounce. Great man. Great vice president. Best ever, definitely better than Sleepy Joe. You look at Mike Pounce and you see a beautiful man. Great man. Great, loves his wife and God. Almost too much, but that’s okay, we love him anyway. Right? Don’t we? Don’t we love the Pounce? But Mike is a stable genius. He’s smart, he’s stable, but he’s not very. You’ve gotta have some very, and I’m very. Very stable, very genius. That’s why I’m going to Keep Making America Great, very bigly. Very. Meanwhile, Joe is very sleepy. Very sleepy, he’ll sleep very much if he gets the job. I’m very energized. Very awake. Very doing great things for America because I very love it.
Moderator: Vice President Biden?
Biden: Well he’s not doing great things. The deal is. Here’s the deal. The president is saying he wants to Make America Great Again. That’s his thing, okay? The thing is, is that he’s not. He’s dividing America. The president, I was vice president by the way to the president. Not this president, the last president, my dear friend… uhh… the first African American President… uhh… President… my best friend ever, the kids call it b-f-e I think, President… umm… (someone in the audience yells Obama) Yes, President Obama… And so the thing about it is that President Obama was a great president and everything he did was great, and the great things I helped him with, like the healthcare, that was a big, a huge thing, a big deal. But the things you didn’t like… you see, I was the vice president so I didn’t do everything so the bad things were not my fault. Sometimes I was just in the room with the record playing phonograph listening to… oh man what was his name, that guy who was great with the music and he died in the plane crash they did the song about, Buddy… my buddy Obama, boy wasn’t he good? So this president, he’s just dividing us and it’s very bad, and now my time is up.
Trump: Sleepy Joe. He’s sleepy. Doesn’t have the energy to, less energy than Jeb Bush, I called him low energy Jeb. Nobody else noticed that, I was the first, then everyone said “Sir, sir, you were so smart, Jeb does have low energy.” And now I’m telling everyone Joe is sleepy. I call him Sleepy Joe. And Ivanka, yes, she’s the best. Great genes. German blood you know? I have that, it’s the best. They had some great people in Germany, you know, throughout history, even the 1930’s. People don’t like to admit that. But it’s true. So Ivanka, very bigly good genes.
Biden: I think the thing about Ivanka is the great parenting, you know, my friends, we can be civil. We can come together. I disagree with President Trump about a lot, but I’ve gotta give it to him. He raised a great daughter. Good job, Mr. President. You never catch her smoking pot at a concert, let me tell ya that. And the thing about raising kids, here it is, the deal is this… for all of the African-American families out there, for all the parents struggling, if your kids aren’t doing so good a school, you know, we’re going to send some social workers out to teach you how to do it. You just gotta get an 8-track or a phonograph if you can’t afford the 8-track, I know a lot of the poor people don’t have the money for it… But your kids, man, they’ve gotta hear stuff… words… people talking… smart people talking… That way they’ll speak English properly, you know, like President Trump and I speak it, they’ve gotta do it the right way… that’s the thing… The right way. The American way, and man this is a great country, and we can keep making it better and bringing it together for everyone.
Trump: That’s a great idea, which is why I came up with it first. I did. It was about a year ago, in a meeting, I said, “We should give the… uh, African-Americans… we should give them a way to have their kids speak better, bigly.” Sleepy Joe stole it. He did. Deep state am I right? Spying, Obama, probably Clinton. I called her Crooked Hillary. But I’m a great friend to the African-American community. The people. They love me. Lowest unemployment ever. Just ask Ricky As Soon As Possible, that’s what they call him. I shortened it. I said, “Ricky, if you want success. If you want to be great. Your name, too long. Too long. You know? Shorten it. As soon as possible? What if we made up our own abbreviation, ASAP. That could catch on. Kind of like MAGA. Four letters. ASAP. But if you want to make the money, make sure people know, put that dollar sign in. Put it in gold. Big gold letters. The people love it.” He said, little Ricky. He wasn’t successful yet. He was poor, like the others. He said, “Sir, sir, sir! That’s a great idea, sir! I love it sir! Thank you so much sir! You saved my career sir!”
Biden: That was nice of you.
Trump: It was. It was. I helped him. Honestly, I should get 10% of what he makes. I should. But I won’t, that’s okay, he can keep it. He can. But I’m going to give words to all of the African-Americans when I win. I have the best words. Maybe I’ll let Sleepy Joe help me. Part-time, so he can nap. Part time. Sleepy Joe can record some words for the African-Americans and I’ll give them Trump Phonographs so they can play it back. The best phonographs. Cheaper than Obama Phones cause I’m a financial spending conservative. But what we’ll do, this is going to be great. This is going to Make America Great Again. We’ll buy, the federal government, we’ll buy the phonographs from the top seller of phonographs. Now, that happens to be Trump, okay? It’s Trump. Not me, my kids, though, I’m not running it because I signed the stack of papers. But we make the best phonographs, okay? Bigly. Loudly. Soundly. So we’ll buy one for every black person. I’ll get Eric to sell them cheap, bigly discounted, say $500. Then we’ll give every black person a phonograph, and you know what we’ll do? We’ll make Mexico pay for them! For the phonographs AND the wall, and they’re going to love it. Believe me. They’ll love it.
Moderator: Vice President Biden, your response?
Biden, snapping to attention and sucking his dentures back into his mouth: Umm… here’s the deal… What was the question? Sorry, I dozed off there. How long have we been up here?
Moderator: Eight minutes, sir. We have three hours and 52 minutes left.
