New fun thing about covid for me is I am getting obsessed and super worried about what are actually minor issues. Building them up in my mind so much.
A year ago this would be very unusual for me. I was a roll with it and I always find a solution guy.
Yay covid. Err I mean fuck covid.
I dreamt about my mum all the time after her death and not nice dreams but with her really sick and i’d wake up and have a cry. The dreams did get better and less frequent. I remember the first one that I had that was nice, my mum was a lot younger in her 40s and she was really happy and laughing and looking at me with all this love and pride in her eyes. I woke up and had a cry but it was so nice that the good memories were coming back through in my dreams. It will get better for you.
I’ve been the opposite, weirdly. I was a neurotic OCD mess before this and I feel very calm and at peace now. I think I just needed some time to myself to sort some things out.
Now I’ve had enough alone time though and wanna get the fuck out of here.
What sucks is that this week off from work is going to end soon.
I’m considering not doing my usual summer work if I get fully vaxxed beforehand. I think I might need to be away for a bit for my sanity mostly.
I ran across this article from UW Medicine. It’s not super in-depth, and there’s nothing revolutionary in there, but it’s a quick read and I thought maybe people could get some value out of it.
I’m not one for suicidal tendencies, but I had a lot of thoughts tonight about how much better off a lot of people would be if I werent around.
Suppose that’s normal after fucking some things up, but those thoughts suck all the same. Especially since I tend to be a guy who does t just let stupid shit I’ve done go.
Been a while since I’ve had a sleepless night, but wouldnt be surprised if it goes that way tonight. My edible and melatonin have not produced the desired effects yet
I don’t really have anything useful to say, but I hope you get a good night’s sleep and things look better tomorrow.
Sleep does wonders for your mental state. Just remember you’re part of the human race and we all fuck up sometimes no matter how much we try not to. Stay safe.
Don’t dwell on what has happened. Focus on making things better for yourself and those around you tomorrow.
This is a good one.
I would say don’t dwell, but at the same time, don’t avoid your feelings.
Dwelling is a coping mechanism. It’s an unhealthy strategy to deal with difficult thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
But there are healthier ways to engage with and process our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The things we dwell on don’t need to become obsessions. Sometimes we just need a new way to engage with the things before we can process and integrate or release them.
My really good friend last night described me as seeming “really happy” and it caught me off guard. I guess I am. I am sorry to make this post because I know people are struggling really badly. It’s just such a rare thing for someone to say to me.
I think covid really was a fantastic opportunity for me to face my demons head on and figure out exactly who I am and what I wanna be. I’m more social than I have ever been, I’m sleeping well, my anxiety and stress are low, my mood is usually fantastic. Usually in the past the only time I’d feel this way is if I just entered a relationship, but I’ve been alone for a long time now.
Anyway if you are struggling with depressive symptoms i strongly recommend giving meds a try. They’ve been life changing for me.
Make sure the basics are taken care of:
Daily shower/hygiene stuff
Clean sheets (and good sleep hygiene)
Eat regularly
Exercise
Daylight (lot of people are vitamin D deficient these days and it can cause depression iirc)
Keep living space clean
It’s amazing how often when I am depressed that I am not taking care of several of these. They can make a big difference. But I know when depressed these things can seem really difficult.
Hope you’re feeling a bit better today, Matt
Don’t be sorry at all man. I would think most people would be happy to see someone who has struggled feeling good. Its happiness for you, and also a burst of hope for others. Keep sharing the good.
Something that always blows my mind is how much a lot of us pile on ourselves for things we fuck up, and constantly feeling we aren’t good enough. And then you read a few news headlines, and you realise how many people out there are doing astoundingly shitty things, continually, without any noticeable sign of self-admonishment.
I guess this is a clumsy way of saying, in the midst of our spirals we are often really harsh on ourselves. And its a cruel irony that those of us that try hard to be “good” seem to be hardest on ourselves if we make mistakes.
You’re a human. We’re all fucking things up all over the place.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow." ― Mary Anne Radmacher
What does survivor guilt mean?
Survivor’s guilt , commonly associated with PTSD, is when a person feels guilty because they survived a life-threatening event that others did not survive.
Speak for yourself, I hate him now.
Aside from seeing my family during Christmas/New Year’s, this week off I have has been the best thing to happen to me in over a year.
My God did I need this. A full night’s sleep everyday with no work to do as of now has been fantastic.
Okay potentially a weird question that doesn’t fit at all…
But is it possible you’re afraid that people will only connect with you through mutual suffering? That you’re scared allowing yourself to be happy might cost you the one thing you know people will connect with you over? That being happy right now might also be like stepping into an alternate universe not everyone can follow you into?
I appreciate all the kind words, everyone. Sometimes a night just compounds and compounds and compounds.
Finally did get some sleep only to be plagued by shitty dreams, regardless, I woke feeling better and have been having a better day
Happy for you 