I’m afraid I’m not worthy of it. That even if I have it, someone will see who I really am and realize they made a mistake.
It comes from shame, a visceral feeling that I am a mistake. I reel in horror when people weaponize shame to invoke that feeling in another person.
I think about how much healthier I might be if I hadn’t been tortured with shame to shape my identity. If I’d been shown healthy behaviors instead of being taught prosperity theory: Bad things keep happening to me because I’m a bad person.
You’re not alone, I definitely have worries that now getting divorced that I’m getting rid of the one person thats not family that decided they could marry/love me.
Something Thin’s post made me think of is kind of a subtle but real effect of articles like the one we’re talking about.
One way to read it is that “wow, he was such a great guy with so much going on, he shouldn’t have killed himself.”
But if you look at it that way, there’s almost an implicit converse, which could be stated as, “if you’re not a great guy with a lot going on, it’s not that bad if you kill yourself.” From a purely logical standpoint it doesn’t follow, but if you’re a thoroughly average mediocre guy like myself it can definitely land that way.
Now that I’m thinking about it, this connects to what, for me at least, are seemingly impossible/unsolvable questions about “worth” and “value.” Like, if what makes a life “worthy” or “valuable” is the kind of works that this guy did, then yes, it’s sad that he’s gone, and maybe it would be less sad if I were gone, since I’m not doing all the stuff he’s doing. But that’s just one way of assessing worth and value, right? But then again, how do I determine what my life is for and how to be valuable?
Anyway, I hope this makes some sense to somebody. Thoughts and reactions welcome.
On one hand, I like the slogan “If you want self esteem, do something esteemable.”
On the other hand, I think of our worth and value as that we all deserve a life worth living. But what makes a life worth living depends on each person.
If I am deliberate about the process of manifesting those things, I carry through with hope and vigor even in dark times.
If I don’t follow that process, though, things could be objectively amazing but feel pointless or desperate.
It’s probably been mentioned but how big of an impact is covid having on you?
Mentally, the lockdown has been debilitating for me. I lack the motivation to work. I have almost no communication with the outside world. I basically sleep, eat and use the internet in between.
I can tell because once it kind of ended in November, I was suddenly restored and motivated. The happiness I had in America felt like a distant memory when I left for Prague just to enter online teaching.
I’m not sure I would be able to handle another year of online teaching. It would be damaging enough psychologically that I would strongly consider quitting. So I hope that this vaccine gets things going again.
Johnny, you seem like a really sharp guy so I hesitate to respond since this may seem obvious or unhelpful to you. But when reading your post, one thing that really came to mind for me is the difference between shame and guilt.
I know this has been written about plenty by people much smarter than me, but I think of guilt and shame as essentially the same feeling but in different degrees and with different underlying attitudes and judgments. Guilt would be the less extreme, healthy emotion with an underlying attitude of “I screwed up and will apologize and do better next time”. A temporary mistake, basically. And shame would be the more extreme, unhealthy emotion with an underlying attitude of “I screwed up because I am bad, and I can’t do any better”. So more of a permanent judgment about ourselves.
Your post contains several examples of both guilt and shame, so it seems maybe you bounce between the two emotions at different times. But it’s pretty clear to me that your intention right now is to act differently. The very fact you made this posts speaks to that. So I’d say you deserve to treat yourself with patience here and try to allow yourself to feel good about the fact that you care enough about doing the right thing to improve yourself and share your feelings here. Kudos for thinking about it and posting about it.
An interesting articulation. Just some armchair analysis.
Another way of looking at this is that almost everyone lives with just as much shame as the rest, but you may live with far less awareness of your lived experience of it than others.
And I mean that both in your experience of your own shame as well as how other people experience your shame.
As joltinjake alluded to:
Guilt=I made a mistake
Shame=I am a mistake
You are not a mistake. You haven’t done anything to rob you of your inherent worth and the chance to have a new experience in the next moment. I want you look in the mirror and say those words to yourself. Look in your eyes. You’re allowed to feel shame and to be struggling mightily right now. We all are.
Your post shows growth and mindfulness. Take heart. This is a good step on your journey to come into awareness of these things and find healthier ways of processing, expressing, and sharing them.
I’m not sure what I’m feeling, maybe it’s grief, maybe it’s melancholy. I just feel something underneath after the events of this weekend and going back to work tomorrow.
Also. If theres anything you feel super ashamed about, sometimes it helps to talk to someone involved.
My mum passed away 6 years ago, and i got stuck unable to travel back to see her until the last day and just made it back with a few hours to spare. In my head id been going over something my dad said which suggested my mum was really upset that i wasnt there earlier and blamed me for it.
I spoke to my dad last week finally and he was basically “um, no. That was nothing to do with you”
Considering id been planning to feel guilty about that for the rest of my life, it kind of helped.
Not personal, but I can attest to a number of coworkers using those special lamps at work when I lived in Seattle and they say it helped.
Probably something I should have tried. When I moved from Seattle to California, it became striking just how much the lack of sun did a number on me there.