Sorry to hear that RF. I hope the meetings help. Your friendly, helpful, curious ways really add a lot to this community and it helps me stave off some of my misanthropy to know people like you are out there.
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I’m certain I’m not the only one, but my mood swings and temper have been a real problem lately. Prior to all this nonsense I had considered myself, right or wrong, to be a pretty even keeled dude. I went home from work last shift day because I felt like I literally couldn’t do the work, which is something I’ve never done before.
Anyway, guessing I’m not the only one here experiencing this. Any tips? I know I should try meditation again but in the past I’ve never succeeded in making it a habit.
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I think one of the really good things you have going for you is an awareness that we are all in a stressful situation and it has an impact on everyone’s behavior. We are not wired for these sorts of situations. A few things that help me are:
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Having a meditation practice. I’m currently using an app called Balance. They are offering the 12 months for free due to covid and you can just cancel before the first renewal if you want. They tailor your meditation sessions a little based on your answers to a few questions.
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Doing an information diet. I have muted a lot of threads on this board, and try to be selective in how much I check in on things. I’ll usually spend one period a day of 15-30 mins where I get the latest covid news and then that’s it.
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Just reminding yourself that this is going to pass. It might be a while, but at some point we are going to be through all of this.
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Hope you’re doing well RiskyFlush.
I’m definitely not suggesting denying our emotions.
You can come at reducing fear two ways. The first is what you’re saying later down the post, which is that we don’t necessarily have to take the fear seriously. When I get anxiety attacks these days, which tend to be less severe and less frequent than at other times in my life, this is my approach. I’m like “Oh we’re doing this? Cool, well I am just going to sit and wait until it stops”. I acknowledge it but I don’t grant it any status higher than something I have to put up with.
The other thing that I’m trying to get at is the way you’re conflating “things of value” and possession:
The glib answer here is “stop having things that matter to you, then”. Like a beautiful sunset is a “thing of value”, but we’re not sad once it’s gone because we are reconciled to the idea that sunsets don’t last. We enjoy it while it’s there and then move on to the next thing. It’s not possession precisely which leads to fear, but the idea in Buddhism generally translated as “attachment” or “grasping” or “clinging”.
Hunger is different because that’s a real need, but let’s say you have a romantic relationship. It’s not true that you can’t be happy without that relationship. This is just an empirical fact, because there were times in your life prior to that when you were happy, because millions of people are happy without such a relationship, and because the brain is infinitely pliable, so there’s nothing irreversible about the state it’s currently in. Fear of losing the relationship arises primarily from the erroneous belief that one’s happiness depends on it. As I said last post, most people are familiar with the idea that one does not become happy by acquiring things (be that possessions, relationships or whatever). The idea that one should not become less happy by losing those same things follows transitively, but is a bit more challenging to get your head around.
There’s a common story, I don’t know if it’s apocryphal, about a kind of monkey trap where a piece of food is placed in a cavity with a small entrance. The hole will admit the monkey’s hand when open, but not when clenched. The monkey reaches in, grabs the food, and then tries frantically to pull its fist through the hole as its captor approaches. The monkey is trapped by nothing other than its own inability to countenance letting go of its possession.
I’m not saying that one can wave a magic wand in the moment and feel less fear. I’m saying that the fear felt is contingent on one’s beliefs about the world. For example, I might feel fear if a man is waving a knife in front of me and I can’t not feel that fear by wishing it away. However, if I come to understand that the man has the knife to cut some vegetables up, my fear will disappear. Similarly, fear of losing something arises from the erroneous belief that one cannot live happily without it. It’s possible to train one’s mind to (partly or wholly) dispel this illusion, the consequence of which is feeling less fear.
The process can be most clearly seen in children. To see a toddler asked to give a toy they own to another child is to see a human being convinced that they will be unhappy without their possession. The best way to relieve the child’s anxiety, if it were possible, would be to broaden their perspective until they understand that they’re quite capable of being happy without the toy. Moreover, if the child came to this understanding, it wouldn’t mean that they weren’t able to enjoy playing with the toy. This is all obvious when it’s toddlers and lumps of plastic, but we’re less willing to acknowledge that the same applies to us and our favourite things.
So I’m dealing with this by dissociating. It’s really effective in the sense that it allows me to continue to work pretty efficiently, keep up with the news, and live in a state of blissful numbness. It’s got a pretty bad come down when I choose to exit it… but given that this thing is probably going to last for at least a year or two it seems like a decent choice.
It does tend to make me a worse person when I’m in that state though. It’s inherently a very nihilistic/sociopathic place to be. It’s definitely a better experience than being a massively depressed hypochondriac though, which is what I was doing before.
If you haven’t tried it before this might be the time to develop a nice warm dissociative state. It takes a situation where the suffering is so intolerable that you can actually will your emotions to shut off. This situation (for me at least) probably wouldn’t have been enough to learn how to do that, but thanks to childhood trauma mine was already very well developed and I’ve discovered that it’s like riding a bike.
I apologize in advance to everyone who gets super hurt/angry about my posts being a lot more jagged over the next couple of years. I objectively know that I’m being a dick in the macro sense, but it’s very hard to detect as it’s happening when I’m like this. Once you genuinely don’t give a fuck you lose some guard rails.
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Finally made this thread.
This morning I can feel a ball of fear in my chest. It contracts and it drops. It would come and go but I’ve been focusing on it, trying to get it to … stay? Dissapate? Let me look at it clearly?
I think it manifests most immediately as a fear of abandonment, of being alone. But the underlying idea or question, I’m not sure. I have this idea that it may be related to my mother’s death. She passed away when I was 21. I’m 43 now, which means I’ve been alive longer without her than with.
I also wonder if a part of me wants/thinks I need people (a partner) to tell me I am ok.
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Two months ago I posted in this thread about hitting a low-point. Feels like I’m back there. I guess the major differences are: I’m a little more grounded, seeing a little more clearly, and really want to avoid the depths of despair I felt then.
I can totally see that the relationship I was in, was dysfuntional. My journal is just a mix of highs and lows, bouncing back, feeling rejected again. It was never as stable as I like to think.
Yet. In these pandemic times, this person and her kids were my friends and support and at times I really felt like I was a part of a family.
The gnawing pit in my chest … I can tell my brain, ego, self, just wants to do anything to make it go away. Yesterday I meditated quite a bit and it eased some, but then returned. … I have a three-day weekend coming up and I don’t really even want it–though I also don’t seem to be working effectively. My work is definitely suffering.
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Does anyone have experience, resources or ideas, for healing old trauma and loss? For grieving after the fact?
Over the weekend I did an acid meditation, which revealed some pretty big things to me. The primary realization was: “A fear that my mother didn’t know I loved her has kept me from growing up and led me to seek her in my relationships.”
She died when I was 21; I’m 43 now. …I don’t think I really grieved and maybe felt like I didn’t do enough while she was sick.
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I have been talking to my mother. I’m really not sure if this is helpful or has any impact at all. … I can say that I’ve noticed a few shifts in my recently, but I wouldn’t attribute it to these “conversations.”
The pit of loneliness in my chest keeps coming back, but it feels more manageable and less extreme, in recent weeks. There have also been big changes in my life–moving into the house I bought–so it’s possible I’ve just distracted myself a bit, also.
Does anyone else talk with loved ones who have passed away? My therapist recommended a write a letter, but somehow this feels more spontaneous and accessible.
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Perhaps insightful and helpful for any of us on the spectrum.
https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/aut.2019.0079
Results: Autistic adults described the primary characteristics of autistic burnout as chronic exhaustion, loss of skills, and reduced tolerance to stimulus. They described burnout as happening because of life stressors that added to the cumulative load they experienced, and barriers to support that created an inability to obtain relief from the load. These pressures caused expectations to outweigh abilities resulting in autistic burnout. Autistic adults described negative impacts on their health, capacity for independent living, and quality of life, including suicidal behavior. They also discussed a lack of empathy from neurotypical people and described acceptance and social support, time off/reduced expectations, and doing things in an autistic way/unmasking as associated in their experiences with recovery from autistic burnout.
Conclusions: Autistic burnout appears to be a phenomenon distinct from occupational burnout or clinical depression. Better understanding autistic burnout could lead to ways to recognize, relieve, or prevent it, including highlighting the potential dangers of teaching autistic people to mask or camouflage their autistic traits, and including burnout education in suicide prevention programs. These findings highlight the need to reduce discrimination and stigma related to autism and disability.
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It’s going to be fine Johnny, I have no doubt you are leading your family well.
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Thanks for letting us share that piece of what you’re going through with you <3
It’s normal to feel like you do right now. You’re not alone.
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What are you not getting traction on?
I talk to my mum sometimes, It’s usually about stupid stuff. It generally makes me feel a bit better but sometimes I have a little cry.
We love you Johnny!
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As an atheist, I have found great comfort from applying the Buddhist version of the 12 steps 
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We admitted our addictive craving over alcohol or other dysfunctional/compulsive behaviors, and recognized its consequences in our lives.
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Came to believe that a power other than self could restore us to wholeness.
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Made a decision to go for refuge to this other power as we understood it.
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Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
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Admitted to ourselves and another human being the exact moral nature of our past.
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Became entirely ready to work at transforming ourselves.
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With the assistance of others and our own firm resolve, we transformed unskillful aspects of ourselves and cultivated positive ones.
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Made a list of all persons we had harmed.
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Made direct amends to such people where possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. In addition, made a conscientious effort to forgive all those who harmed us.
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Continue to maintain awareness of our actions and motives, and when we acted unskillfully promptly admitted it.
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Engaged through the practice of meditation to improve our conscious contact with our true selves, and seeking that beyond self. Also used prayer as a means to cultivate positive attitudes and states of mind.
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Having gained spiritual insight as a result of these steps, we practice these principles in all areas of our lives, and make this message available to others in need of recovery.
Anxiety. … Home insurance company is demanding some fixes or they drop my insurance. This basically froze me in my tracks–it’s taken me a while to start calling, for instance, tree trimming services.
But … then a friend who has an abusive husband called to say she’s having a protective order put in place, and her husband has repeatedly threatened to kill me because he suspects some romantic relationship between us.
So. … Now I’m anxiety-ing x10, BUT also just messaged a tree service. So hey, perspective ftw?
Seriously, I’m about to go see the local police to ask what they recommend. Dude is being served today, apparently, and I and his wife fear he could escalate. Wtf.
Ok, good opportunity to meditate?
There’s a part of me that is so disbelieving of this shit that my internal voice says something like, “you’re just using this situation to avoid dealing with the house, blah blah blah”
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Anyone have suggestions for finding a therapist under pandemic conditions? I mean video sessions I guess. Cost is a problem. Rates I see on the Psychology Today sight are $100-150 which I’m not saying are unreasonable but but my current income is zero.
I’m under stress from multiple directions and sometimes it’s just crushing. Therapy has helped in the past. Short of that I’m thinking of starting a blog thread a la what @zarapochka described and letting it rip. It holds me back that I could be easily doxxed but feeling like there’s not much to lose.
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Gf (therapist) says: on psych today you can look for pre-licensed therapists that operate on a “sliding scale” which takes into account income. With no income you’ll be at the bottom of the scale. (Licensed therapists also often have sliding scales, you can email and ask). Your local community may have community service boards or non-profits which offer cheap/free counseling. She saw people for as low as $5 when she was an intern.
“We’re therapists, we’re flexible :)”
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Do you qualify for Medicaid in your state?