Realized I didn’t reply to this but as noted above I think it’s a squishy/blurred line on when I will say something vs. when I won’t. The best way I think is to give examples.
My grandpa (same one mentioned above) refused to eat takeout Chinese food when we ordered it because he disliked Japanese people. He never said anything racist or did anything negative towards either type of people but wouldn’t eat Chinese food out of his dislike of the Japanese (yes, I tried to explain the difference, he didn’t care). Not going to give the guy an earful for not eating a particular type of food, whether it was grounded in logic or not.
As opposed to me playing golf earlier this summer with two random older dudes. We saw a black squirrel, instead of the traditional grayish squirrels, and one of them said “hey look at the n-word squirrel”. Needless to say he got an earful and made the remaining 3 holes awkward for them.
I’ve decided I’m okay saying “I’m comfortable with you saying that in my company if you’re comfortable with me discussing why what you said is offensive/racist/sexist/etc.”
I’m becoming more convinced that the way to navigate these situations successfully is preparing/practicing so you have something to go to quickly without thinking .
Maybe we should share our favourites.
A few of mine.
Any kind of gay bashing joke or insult gets “Dude. It’s 2019. What the fuck” or similar. I use this at rugby a lot.
Another one I like is “you’re better than that” said half jokingly. It only works if someone actually thinks they are better than that"
I have also locked in that any time my missus (shes filipino) says someone was racist or sexist to her that my default is a massive and aggressive reaction. Largely because i spent the first few years under reacting with “I’m sure they didn’t mean it like that” to a long series of micro and macro incidents.
the “its the current year” thing is a meme nowadays and is not really taken seriously. You’re gonna have to criticize more specifically. Try probing with something like “so whats wrong with being gay?”
I love conflict. Drives my wife crazy. Other day I’m entering a Target and there’s a truck outside the entrance with its hazards on and I walk up and say “Hey do you need help?” and he’s like “uh no, I’m just waiting” and I say “Oh, because usually when people are parked in the middle of the road with their hazards on they need a tow truck, are you sure I can’t call one for you?” and my wife is walking away trying to pretend she doesn’t know me
For me, I’ve come to realize it’s not a fear of conflict. It’s being mindful and self-aware of when a direct confrontation isn’t going to help anything except maybe intoxicate me on self-righteousness.
I’m an activist in the way someone might say, “I’m not a feminist, but…” and then reveals they really are a feminist. I just don’t think going HAM at people who were never going to listen ever accomplishes anything helpful.
That’s not to say that going HAM isn’t the right thing to do. I will do that to stand up for the people being oppressed. The person making racist comments might take that as an attack on themselves, but it doesn’t have anything to do with them. I’m supporting and empowering the people who historically have not had the power to fight back.
I’m just aware that sometimes that means I need to STFU and quietly support them speaking up for themselves.
This tactic is especially effective if you happen to be female. I LOVE to do this, and usually the big dumb men fall for it easily, because they already think girls are dumber than boys. So i just play into the stereotype. Of course, it has to be a stranger, because anyone who knows me for more than 5 minutes knows I’m liberal, i don’t put up with that crap, and that I’m not dumb.
As for things to say, one word is the best.
“Wow.”
Everyone immediately understands it, it gives others a way to talk about it without feeling isolated, and even the people who were laughing along are forced to stop and think for a second.
Yeah. It’s clearly a fine line to walk. Which is why preparation is key. It allows us to figure out the best approach to take in advance, rather than trying to figure it all out on the spot.
My students are way more interesting and in some cases, smarter than their teachers. They’re definitely more aware of social issues, racism and the like compared to their teachers as a whole. I barely thought of those things when I was in high school.
The owner/operator of an underground card room in which I occasionally play is a openly proud racist despite there being a non-insignificant percentage of players who are black, Asian, LGBT, etc.
He also tends to post typical racist grandpa memes, and some of his FB friends/players have been responding with posts like “Stop being a moron,” “Don’t you know this is fake?”, “Look at me, I post idiotic memes, etc.”
Racist owner just posted this on his FB wall:
Listen everyone including you [xxxx]… I post things because I like what is said. I share things because I believe in what is said. I think that I have that right to do so.
If it offends any of your opposing views, I dont care.
*What I dont do is attack any of you *
If any of you feel like you have to lecture me or worse resort to childish Name Calling, Do Me a favor and unfriend me so you dont have to resort to speaking derogatory at me. Let’s be honest it is not very becoming and shows much immaturity on your part. And honestly I wont respond or reply.
Save embarrassing yourself
Please unfriend me if you are offended and stop the attack mode.
I talked to my brother a couple nights ago again and he basically ended up saying that he didn’t get offended by things by people so why should anyone be offended by what he says.
He also said he doesn’t see why i care about him saying things if it’s not directed at me, like I’m not African American so I can’t be offended if he says racist shit…?
