My phone doesn’t even ring if it isn’t from a number in my contacts.
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Thanks for sharing. I think this is pretty common, even in the absence of a pandemic. I’ve heard a lot of stories about parents declining suddenly. I think this catches a lot of people off guard.
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Visiting nursing homes was a very daunting experience and putting someone in one can be traumatic for all involved.
I was my parents primary caregiver the last ten years of their lives and it almost killed me. I should have gotten more help, for sure. My mom had some health issues but was mentally still pretty sharp. My dad had advanced Alzheimer’s and got to the point it was impossible for me to take care of him.
At this time my mom got really sick and passed away. My dad only really knew my mom and didn’t really remember anyone else. When she died it spun him out and he passed away a month later. Was definitely the most extreme time in my life by a mile.
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Ive heard this is incredibly common among elderly couples who have been together for decades. It really speaks to just how deep of connections we can make here.
Im sorry you had to go through that. I hope youve been able to find some peace since then
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Yeah I think it also really says a lot about how strong the mental will to “hang on” is. It seems very common for older folks to make it through a major family event or just past the holidays before they kind of give themselves permission to go. People dying right after finally retiring from long careers once that sense of purpose is gone, etc.
Yeah it was about five years ago. Two years ago it all finally hit me really hard. Fortunately I made it through with some good therapy.
I am at peace with it now and honestly part of me is glad they missed the last five years.
They were married for 55 years.
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Thats wonderful, im glad you are doing well.
Grief is a funny thing. Ive heard that it comes in waves and I feel like I experience it that way as well. Having it crash down like that years later seems to be pretty common.
I love the outlook of them not having had to see whats happening now. Im 100% on board with that
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I was thinking this. But he’s already fairly isolated. I dont want to isolate him further. He might get occasional calls from his charity, or the labour party, or his doctor. So I want him to get those.
I think we should be okay now. I’ve also got access to his email, so if I see anything suspicious like western union registration or changes to his banking, I can probably spot it fast.
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The hardest thing for me with my dad was realizing how much help he needed at a given time. It was unending reeling in of the line as I was mixed between protecting him and wishfully believing he was as capable as it once was.
I always wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt but you get pounded by the realization he is essentially unlearning and it never gets better. It’s a real punch after living life knowing people only learn more anc improve with proper guidance.
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gut wrenching to read this thread. my dad is “only” 70, but completely losing it after mom died. not really giving up, still holding on, borderline in denial of serious health issues which will be much-much worse in a matter of 2-3 years. but mom was a huge moderating influence on his almost mad-scientist disposition. they had 49 years together… he had a heart attack scare that landed him in the hospital for close to two weeks. you’d think a thing like that would jolt you into seeking better relations with those closest. but it had the opposite effect.
now he is pretty much watching right wing propaganda, sending grievances and accusations toward children and family members. sometimes his writings are threatening and hateful, sometimes he is just looking for pity. most of the time they are just his own imagination, not really tethered to something that actually happened. something like alzheimers is on my mind, although i haven’t been able to make myself look at symptoms and contemplate.
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So. One of the big issues with my dad was his nightmare of a girlfriend. All sorts of drama.
She’s now apparently broken up with him.
I feel a bit sad, because he’s going to have a lot less social contact.
On the plus side. We now have a lot more flexibility about where we live, who he stays with longer term. All the other siblings are in other countries, and me and mrs rugby may head back to the Philippines in a couple of years if/when we have kids.
On a related note. It’s pretty clear that trying to have a drawn out argument with someone with memory problems is excruciatingly difficult.
It really is the movie “Memento” but with the protagonist as a passive aggressive boomer Karen.
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So parents have their summer home in Michigan. They were supposed to travel back Wednesday. But Tuesday dad faints 3 times. I mean faint once, whatever. Faint twice…um. Faint 3 times, WTF are we still talking about this?
Finally he went to the emergency room. And yeah, hey man you’re bleeding from somewhere we need to stay a while.
My MD sister is flying up there tomorrow to help them come back home (I was flying up if her schedule wasn’t clear). But yeah, I know I’m about to feel this thread
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I hope they get a full diagnosis on your dad and that he gets better soon.
One of the things I’m proud of is that I was able to keep my mom out of the hospital for the most part in her later years. Until the few months before her death, I think she had one brief hospital stay for a UTI in the last ten years of her life. Of course, she had more than one UTI, but just nothing severe enough to go to the hospital.
The UTI issue was a constant battle as the dementia robbed her of the ability to keep herself clean all under. She took medication to help prevent them, and her aides and I were as diligent as possible to keep her clean, but its a losing battle. Anytime she would get out of bed to go to the bathroom more frequently than usual, it was a sure sign of a UTI and I would generally get her to the doctor or ER immediately. In the last couple of years she was completely incontinent. You just deal with it as best you can.
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Next week I am going to try to guide my dad through backing up his documents to a thumb drive over the phone. Please pray for my soul.
You can take bets on how long before I get the speech about how he’s a right-brained poet and this high-tech wizardry I do (copying and pasting files) just doesn’t click with his brain.
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Indians phone scamming elderly makes me completely fucking irate just reading about it. I have absolutely zero tolerance for this shit and would probably go to extreme lengths identifying and putting a bounty on them or something. There must be a Dog the Bounty Hunter of India that works for dirt cheap, and I bet he’s not as nice.
Also, that charity stuff sucks even if they are charities he generally supports in principle. The way they target and harass the elderly is totally disgusting and I’ve seen it first hand. My late grandmother would get constantly bombarded with bullshit from like Red Cross or something b/c she gave them money once. As soon as you give $1, their computers flag you as a sucker and target you relentlessly. My mom is even susceptible to it and has all of her faculties in her mid 60s, and I’ve watched her struggle with the competing concepts of “this is actually just a scam” and “people are dying we need your help!” The tactic is hooking people who were raised in an era of trust which just happens to be Boomers and Silents. The names of these organizations have long-standing brand equity with them in the same way that, like, SEARS does, despite all of them being controlled by complete grifters now.
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I donated $20 to the World Wildlife Fund in college. For two decades they probably sent me $500 worth of mailers trying to get more money out of me.
Yeah it’s totally disgusting. Fuck charities. That is my default and I need to see an amazing pitch to change my mind about one.
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Pine?
Would he be willing to download something to allow you to control his computer at your end?