I didn’t want to put her in assisted living or a nursing home, partly because it would be really expensive, and partly because I would likely just be worried about how she was doing all the time. I did quit my job to move in because she lived about 2.5 hours away. I just played poker, but didn’t make much money at it. I took buyouts on two pensions, but did so knowing that I would get a good chunk of money back from inheritance when she passed away. But of course, my sister, who lives out of state got the same amount of inheritance without doing much of the caregiving. But I don’t really resent that. I made my choice to care for her. My mother had a decent income from SS plus my dad’s Disabled VA benefits plus annuities etc. So I was able to save a lot of money that would have all been spent on nursing homes and such. And I was able to keep a close eye on her finances. Eventually she couldn’t cope with bill paying and so forth but could still sign her name at my direction, but over time that went away too.
I have a friend now who has had his wife leave him temporarily to care for her mother out of state. Seems like she’s been doing it for at least a year. Her father recently died and they convinced mom to move in with them down here in Florida, though mom fought hard against it. My general feeling is that do-it-yourself caregiving was the way to go financially for me, but it varies from person to person and every circumstance is different.
My dad can’t help but click links in emails. He’s never gotten majorly scammed yet, but several times he’s purchased anti-malware and antivirus software for small money after his computer started acting up, and then these helpful popups came up because they noticed he had a problem and they were there to help.
Doesn’t matter what I tell him, he doesn’t listen. I’ve told this story before, but one time I was over and gave his computer a check and installed some good free tools to do some scans and found a bunch of malware. He told me the stuff I installed sucked because the popups found a lot more problems than my software!
They’re definitely vulnerable to their own sense of charity. Luckily my mom didn’t suffer any major scams. One time she got a call from someone claiming to be her grandson (my nephew). Her told her he had been arrested for DUI in Canada and needed her to Western Union some cash so he could bail out. Luckily she didn’t know how to do it, so she told him to call back, which he did. This time I answered the phone. I told him the scam could have worked, except my nephew was only 14 and lived in Texas.
My mother would also get calls from the Disabled American Veterans looking for clothing or household items to pick up. She would always promise to put something out for them, but when the date came she’d forget, and I would scramble to find something for them to take.
I had a cousin who I didn’t know very well, but who knew my mother. I had no idea they had talked weeks earlier on the phone. So when she called I said “How’ve you been, nice to hear from you”. She said “great. I’ll be at your house in an hour. I’m staying for a week. Didn’t your mom tell you?” Of course she hadn’t, so suddenly I had to try to prep the house for a guest. Plus, had I known she was coming, I could have planned a getaway for a few days and cuz could have given me a break from caregiving.
I went through dad’s bank account with him a few weeks back. There a ton of recurring payments to charities.
He doesnt remember half of them. They are all the types of things he supports and believes in though, and him and my mum always gave a lot to charity, so I figure it’s what he wants.
Yep, white mules are going to start becoming a HUGE problem in the scamming world. Once they are able to avert the “foreign sounding, hang up” reflex of a lot of people in the states, its going to start getting really ugly.
This, most of us were on 22 in our mid twenties - mid thirties and are now approaching 40-50. We are all likely to deal with this sooner than later. Thanks for making the thread
Ive been watching some Netflix thing about the possibility of life after death that delves into pretty obviously fake and scammy mediums, and I was thinking about how terrible taking advantage of someone’s grief for profit is the worst thing a person can do.
Spent all morning at the bank. Looks like they didn’t get anything. Which is good.
Scammer called again today. Quite smart. Pretending to call from “the western union fraud team”. Lucky I was there again.
I’ve written out a bunch of notes and drilled it into him that he cant trust phone calls. Fingers crossed it works, because they will clearly keep trying.
I’ve also added myself as an authorized person on his bank account. So I’ll get notifications on my phone for all transactions.
Makes me realise quite how vulnerable old people are to their carers. They are completely in someone else hands, and not really any other way of doing it.
This requires some degree of memory, doesn’t it? And therein lies part of the problem. Their memory is going away.
You’re right, they are vulnerable to their own caregivers, but hopefully those people are usually caring family members and not vultures.
I have a friend whose father just went on hospice care and will likely be gone in a day or two. Early 90’s. His death is going to come as a relief to my friend.
One thing I learned in taking care of my mother. “90 is NOT the new 80”. Once you’re 90, you’re flippin’ old. If you weren’t before then. There aren’t many 90 year olds out there who can get along independently.
So true. I was blessed in that my mother retained her sweet disposition throughout her mental and physical decline. So many caregivers have to deal with belligerent patients. I never did and that made the caregiving 100% easier.
90 is most definitely old but just with my small sample size I’ve been surprised at how resilient the human body can be if you take care of yourself (and get lucky, have good genes etc). Mom’s dad lived to 94 and even managed to come back from an accident at 88ish where he got clipped by a car on his bike and broke some ribs. Congestive heart failure finally got him at 94 and there was a sucky month in the hospital at the end, but he had a good run. Wife’s grandmother just turned 96 and is living with family, but basically fully able to take care of herself and has the energy to drag the family out shopping all the time etc.
Then there’s my dad who just turned 90. He’s still doing amazingly well, but definitely has slowed down quite a bit over the past year or so; not seeing him much during the pandemic definitely made it more noticeable. Drives locally a ton, but every time the whole family goes out or if he has to go far for a doctor’s appt or something, asks for a ride. More and more often he’s been asking me to stop by for more basic stuff, moving things around, fixing something that involves crouching down low or getting into a tight spot, etc. He still does a ton, including helping my mom who’s 10 years younger but in worse health (overweight, diabetic etc.), but as little as a couple years ago it seemed like he was just gonna cruise to 100 with zero problems. Overall I’ve been really lucky with both of them.
Does he use a cell phone or landline? If cell, you should be able to block certain numbers fairly easily. This won’t stop new scammers, but it should at least slow down those who already know he is a good target.
Yeah, they will very rarely come from the same number.
If there is call ID, the key is to get him to not pick up the phone unless he knows who the number is. A phone is for his benefit, not so someone can interrupt any time they feel like it.
That, and just the idea of screening all his calls in general, and if an urgent-sounding msg comes in he can call Rugby and have him evaluate before calling back. I realize getting him to stick with this can be tricky too (especially if the scam is of the “this is your young relative and I’m in a foreign jail and need $$$ right now!” variety).