I don’t know if we need a hard time limit, but I’d say if someone has been given the @ that it is their turn and has been posting in like a dozen other threads on the site, it’s probably okay to skip them.
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Someone’s going to get a real bargain if they’re going best asshole available, but I didn’t want to move off who I’d already picked.
I select widely celebrated mass murderer, torturer, rapist, slave master and piss-poor navigator Christopher Columbus.
So we all learned the story in grade school, right? In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue… Looking for a shortcut to India, he accidentally discovers the present-day Caribbean and tells everyone in Europe about the New World. Such a brave voyage! Such a noble discovery!
What you never read in school, of course, is what his voyages meant for the people he discovered – not fit for any children’s textbook: When Columbus discovered there was gold on Hispaniola, he forced the indigenous Taino to bring it to him every three months as a form of tribute. Everyone who did was given a token to wear…everyone who didn’t had their hands cut off and were left to die.
And those people may have been the lucky ones. Details of other atrocities are taken directly from firsthand accounts of Columbus’ genocide:
- People were “roasted on spits and burned at the stake”;
- Children were “hacked into pieces”;
- Columbus’ men would “make bets as to who would slit a man in two or cut off his head at one blow… or they opened up his bowels. They tore the babes from their mother’s breast by their feet and dashed their heads against the rocks… They ‘splitted’ the bodies of other babes, together with their mothers… on their swords.”
- They raped pretty much every native woman they could find, of course. Forced many of them into sexual bondage. And not just women – Columbus himself wrote that “girls… from 9-10… are… in demand.”
- There was slavery, too! “When our caravels … were to leave for Spain, we gathered … 1,600 male and female ‘Indians’ … on Feb. 17, 1495 … (and) we let it be known… that … (any of the sailors) who wanted to take … them could do so.”
Of course, Columbus kept going back to Spain, lying that he actually HAD found a shortcut to India and telling his benefactors that everything was hunky-dory to get more money to fund more genocidal voyages. By the time he was finally brought up on charges for all his atrocities, the 8,000,000 indigenous people living on the islands Columbus found were just 100,000. And he opened the floodgates for every other two-bit conquistador who wanted a piece of what Columbus had found (but we’ll save those assholes for another day).
And despite all that, his name is EVERYWHERE. Columbus/Columbia is ubiquitous. Countries, cities, lakes, rivers, counties, a US federal district, a Canadian province, an Ivy League university, a major film studio and record label, a space shuttle, his own goddamn DAY…this asshole had an entire hemisphere basically named after him! And unlike the Civil War statues, that shit is never going away. We are stuck having to commemorate one of the worst people to ever live for all eternity.
Happy Indigenous Peoples Day, everyone.
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That’s the shit I came here for. Might be the top pick yet of a draft in which literal Hitler has been drafted.
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Let’s not extend deadlines on Xmas. If you need to make your write-up later or get skipped, c’est la vie.
Imo!
Via one of his sons that fathered innumerable kids he is in the direct lineage big fraction of Hispaniola, (DR side).
(This is according to a Dominican friend, looks like the scholars have a big pissing contest on both Columbuses actual heritage and subsequent family tree).
Well, I’m pretty shocked to be getting first-pick worthy talent at this stage of the game, but here we are. You guessed it:
Roy Stalin
Oops! I meant:
Attempting to summarize this person’s evil is quite a task, and one for which I am not qualified. Estimates of the number of deaths for which he was responsible vary widely, but 9 million seems pretty solid, with 6 million of those direct and intentional (the other 3 million from stuff life famine).
Whether arresting, torturing, and executing his enemies (real or perceived); fomenting famine; or co-operating with Hitler, it can be easily agreed that Stalin was one of history’s biggest assholes. To give you an idea of what kind of guy he was, from Wiki:
Stalin was ruthless,[781] temperamentally cruel,[782] and had a propensity for violence high even among the Bolsheviks.[777] He lacked compassion,[783] something Volkogonov suggested might have been accentuated by his many years in prison and exile,[784] although he was capable of acts of kindness to strangers, even amid the Great Terror.[785] He was capable of self-righteous indignation,[786] and was resentful,[787] vindictive,[788] and vengeful, holding onto grievances against others for many years.[789] By the 1920s, he was also suspicious and conspiratorial, prone to believing that people were plotting against him and that there were vast international conspiracies behind acts of dissent.[790] He never attended torture sessions or executions,[791] although Service thought Stalin “derived deep satisfaction” from degrading and humiliating people and enjoyed keeping even close associates in a state of “unrelieved fear”.[717] Montefiore thought Stalin’s brutality marked him out as a “natural extremist”;[792] Service suggested he had tendencies toward a paranoid and sociopathic personality disorder.[763]
And there you go. What could I possibly say about Stalin that hasn’t already been said?
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Did he drop because of a torn ACL? I expect a full dissertation on Animal Farm and the rise of Stalin and the Soviet system in the write-up.
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It’s ok that Stalin wasn’t picked earlier. He was hot when he was young. We all know hotness is a mitigating factor.
A too-quick reading made me see this as “temporarily cruel.” Quite a hot take!
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Lol same.
Stalin was my #1 guy but after reading about Columbus, he’s now #2.
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Name the man who:
-Is directly responsible for murdering 11% of the world’s population?
-Conquered 15% of the Earth’s land, creating the largest contiguous empire in human history?
-Has 16 million male descendants currently alive today due to his rapacious behavior towards his estimated 500 concubines?
-Was so psychotically evil at such a young age that he killed his half-brother over a fish as a 14 year old?
-Is adored by his countrymen despite the above?
Team Superuberevil selects
Temujin (a.k.a. Genghis Khan)
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Definitely a first round pick. His evil was monstrous.
Forgot this was a snake draft. Got some thinking to do.
Guys don’t go too hard on these fellas otherwise Trump starts looking like a decent person.
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Look, there are limitless options for murderous dictators out there. And sure, they’re all assholes. But this draft isn’t about body count, its about the essence of the subject’s true personality. See, you all but have to be a sociopath in order to become a butchering dictator. Which arguably partially excuses the ensuing behavior. Getting mad at a sociopath for not having empathy is like getting mad at an infant for crying.
This person does not appear to be a sociopath or have any advanced personality disorders. He is, of course, a baby boomer, born in 1943 in Harrisburg, PA. In what should have been a warning sign, his first wife was his high school math teacher, whom he started, uh, seeing while still enrolled as her student. He then received several deferments from the Vietnam War on account of being a white guy who didn’t feel like going, though decades later he said “given what I believe, a part of me thinks I should have gone.” Profiles in courage.
While I could detail this man’s early political career, lets focus on his personal life instead (though the two intersect). After marrying the aforementioned math teacher, he began cheating on her. With everyone. When his wife, got cancer, this person saw an opportunity. Take it away Wikipedia:
Throughout his congressional campaign in 1974, DRAFTED was having an affair with a young volunteer. An aide who worked with DRAFTED throughout the 1970s stated that “it was common knowledge that DRAFTED was involved with other women during his marriage to Jackie.” In the spring of 1980, DRAFTED filed for divorce from Jackie after beginning an affair with Marianne Ginther. Jackie later said in 1984 that the divorce was a “complete surprise” to her.
In September 1980, according to friends who knew them both, DRAFTED visited Jackie in the hospital the day after she had undergone surgery to treat her; once there, DRAFTED began talking about the terms of their divorce, at which point Jackie threw him out of the room. DRAFTED disputed that account. Although DRAFTED’s presidential campaign staff continued to insist in 2011 that Jackie had requested the divorce, court documents from Carroll County, Georgia, indicated that Jackie had in fact asked a judge to block the process, stating that although “she has adequate and ample grounds for divorce … she does not desire one at this time [and] does not admit that this marriage is irretrievably broken.”
Following the divorce, Jackie had to raise money from friends in her congregation to help her and the children make ends meet; she later filed a petition in court stating that DRAFTED had failed to properly provide for his family. DRAFTED submitted a financial statement to the judge, which showed that he had been “providing only $400 a month, plus $40 in allowances for his daughters. He claimed not to be able to afford any more. But in citing his own expenses, DRAFTED listed $400 just for ‘Food / dry cleaning, etc.’—for one person.” In 1981, a judge ordered DRAFTED to provide considerably more; in 1993, Jackie stated in court that DRAFTED had failed to obey the 1981 order “from the day it was issued.”
DRAFTED immediately married another woman and immediately began cheating on her, including with an aide 20+ years younger. Predictably, DRAFTED divorced wife #2 shortly after she was diagnosed to MS (and after refusing an open marriage), and while sanctimoniously leading legislative efforts to impeach then President Bill Clinton for extramarital affairs.
DRAFTED later said, literally, that he cheated on all his wifes because “There’s no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” If that’s not an asshole quote, what is!?
NEWT
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Wait, Newt’s dead? Time to celebrate!
Newt is still alive, no?
They HAVE to be dead? Oh shit.
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