So, yeah. Im sorry everyone. I dont normally drink but an innocuous comment during our marital therapy led me to try to outfun the man she is seeing, and knowing that he is a drinker, I thought “shit, I can be a fun drinker too, watch me go.”
Note: I cannot be a fun drinker. I dont drink for a reason. Im weepy and reflective of insecurities when I get drunk, so throwing that into the reality of a post marriage counseling session was a really poor decision on my part. I asked her for details that she has specifically asked me to back off of. I felt I was doing it playfully (again, trying to emulate the fun date atmosphere instead of just being myself) but it ended up being a breach of trust, and I hurt our friendship in the process. I likely can get that back, but last night I catastrophized to an extreme degree. I drove drunk for the first time in my life. I fully intended to drive to the coast and throw myself off the rocks, but when I pulled over to breakdown I caught myself, reached out to the crisis line, and was able to make my way back. I had forgotten I posted here until this morning. Im sorry for anyone who was concerned. Much like last week, an internal crisis has lead to much needed clarity. My heart broke much more yesterday finding out I might lose my best friend than it did finding out she was dating or that we were separating. That says something to me. The relationship I value the most with her is our friendship, and im jeopardizing it with the insecurities around our marriage. Im backing off for now, removing reconciliation as a long term goal to bring up in therapy ( she reads this as pressure, which I understand) and im generally just looking to make myself a better man going forward, not with the intention to win her back, but with the intention of being a better man for me.