My bad.
I could redirect the message to the rightful poster but my conscience is clear now regardless.
I am a part of several fellowships. Today’s readings are from Overeater’s Anonymous, which typically addresses overeating but is really about Disordered Eating. I don’t overeat. I compulsively starve myself.
The program helped me redefine my concept of abstinence. I used to see it as the total removal of a substance or behavior, but as you will see, “just don’t drink” doesn’t apply so well to “just don’t eat” any more than a Sex & Love Addict could ever remove the need to satisfy their desire.
As well, “just don’t drink” has been the thing that killed many an alcoholic who was not willing/able to quit and therefore didn’t even try to improve their relationship with alcohol.
Quitting and improving your relationship with alcohol are not the same thing. We can improve our relationship with drinking (or anything else) without first quitting. Quitting can be a decision we consider later, when we are in a position to assess whether that is right for the next step of our recovery.
What we need is freedom from compulsive relationships. For example, some compulsive eaters cannot trust their gut (pun intended) to guide them, so they stick to eating three strict meals a day. Some sex and love addicts will never feel like they have enough love, or sex, or romance, or validation, or socialization, or… So they set strict guidelines to govern how and how often they compulsively reach for these things.
For some alcoholics, abstinence will mean never drinking again. For others, it will mean planned moderation.
ABSTINENCE
I’m not going to attempt to define compulsive overeating at this time. My reason for writing this is to generate interest in defining it. I believe a definition would greatly help our Fellowship. We could more easily inform the public and the professional community about OA by accurately describing the illness we have. Within OA, we would retain more members as they come to understand exactly what their disease entails and accept there are no absolutes for food plans, for there are many facets of compulsive overeating.
[Abstinence] is freedom. What I eat and when I eat are no longer central to my program–I no longer work on abstinence. It’s my tool to pick up in the morning and cut my way through life. It’s a peaceful sanity in relationship to food and eating. No more scales. No more fear of loss of control. Instead a trust in Higher Power and steps ten, eleven, and twelve keep me from indulging my old need to eat to cope with life.
Abstinence is a tool and a gift. I’ve found it helpful to be patient and understanding with myself and others when we need to humbly use this tool, and grateful when I or others receive this precious gift.
RELAPSE
Why do people relapse? Is relapse avoidable? Is it inevitable? These questions are all so meaningless because the only thing that matters is that relapse does happen. Debate over the legitimacy of relapse only serves to shame us and–as we all know–shame never motivated any of us to do anything but hide and eat. We need acceptance instead of debate.
Could I have avoided relapse? I don’t know. But I don’t regret it. It taught me that weighing and measuring is not the only way to be abstinent, that it’s not true that only abstinent people have something of value to say, and that arrogance is an immediate trigger for me. The experience solidified my trust in my HP’s presence in good times and bad, made me a humbler, gentler person, and got me back in touch with the meaning of “fellow sufferers.” It also made me a more seasoned sponsor. The way to sponsor people in relapse is to give them exactly what my HP gave me, to let them know that I accept them unconditionally–without judgment–and encourage them to keep coming back.
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From the big red AA book:
I have seen that there is only one law, the law of love, and there are only two sins: the first is to interfere with the growth of another human being, and the second is to interfere with one’s own growth.
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Guess I’ll be back on the wagon tomorrow. Or starting right now. Last 24 hours have been tough.
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Dry for a week, then relapsed (is that the term? I thought It just meant wanting to drink)
As anyone in this thread who is a real alcoholic™ will know, it’s not about hours or days. It’s about weeks, months, and years. It’s about changing your life, and I’m not ready to do that.
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How was the week? What did you experience? What did you gain? What did you lose? Doesn’t have to be good or bad. Just the week from your POV.
What do you want to change about your life? Besides drinking.
I’ve got some stuff going on at work right now, so I was involved in that. I even put on one of my dry-cleaned shirts to go on camera and flirt with the new hot chick. Small blessings.
I do this a lot. Stop drinking for a few days, then go mental for a few more. I think I’m a “binger”.
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What do you lose while you’re bingeing that you wish you could hold on to?
What do you lose while you’re abstaining?
Do you think you’d have to give up drinking? Or do you think this might be an activity for which you could explore healthy limits and boundaries?
Are you able to drink more often but more moderately? Or is it like well, if you’re going to drink, you’re going to DRINK?
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Nothing. In fact, I think I gain. I’m more sociable. I actually talk to women. Etc. etc. I mean, sure, a slight issue is that I swear a lot, and fall down a couple of times, but we can write that off to attritional losses.
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You should ask good friends and family members who will be honest with you whether your drinking has negative impacts socially. Often problem drinkers will think they’re absolutely charming in social situations while under the influence and they’re really not.
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Would these be the friends and family members I no longer talk to, because I sent them on their way and you can’t take that back? Asking for a friend.
Is there anyone you care for who might help you come into awareness of the impact of your drinking on people besides yourself?
They can help you see beyond what you already know.
Second weekend in the books. Don’t feel overly proud but do feel accomplished.
A shift has occurred where when the thought of drinking pops in I’m starting to naturally talk myself out of it instead of into it. A lot of my thing before is when I’d internally debate whether to grab something I’d end up settling on the thought of better to do so than regretting having not when back at the base that night, less mobile. Then I’d have to come up with some excuse to go back in the field to acquire the goods. And if you give a pig a pancake, they’re going to end up wanting more than just a weak percentage six pack once that’s gone, so…
Now I’m focusing on the regret of how it’d go if I did so, instead of the downside of not. I’ve been thankful for the mornings I’ve woke up groggy and instinctively done a quick recap of the night before and felt immediate relief knowing whatever I’m blanking on can’t be a big deal, that I didn’t almost lose everything being someone I’m not. I’ve enjoyed not feeling a twinge of guilt at all times and feeling the need to make up for my selfishness through other actions which let me continue to do whatever I want.
I’ve been focusing on the date, and the fact I don’t want to start a new count. That I know I could get away with a tall boy or whatever, but I know I’ll always be a liar if I use the date I’ve publicly declared. A fraud. I know I can do whatever I want in a month or two and reevaluate then, but right now is a time to reset my mind and my credibility.
A few years back I went three to four weeks dry in a wholesale attempt to get fit, ended up continuing to drop weight but logging alcohol calories for a few weeks additionally. Outside of that this is probably the longest I’ve gone without drinking in maybe a decade or a little less.
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Laughing in recognition.
It’s strange getting used to waking up sober and without some crisis of my own making to immediately demand my attention. I sometimes wake up quite groggy, but now I know that’s because I had a deep sleep that was good for me. That “deep sleep” used to carry a cost I feared waking up to discover I’d already paid.
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Exactly.
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Good job Dodger. What date have you circled if you don’t mind me asking?
I’m at 10 days myself, easily the longest in a year+. I keep waffling between 30 and 50 days and I’m not sure why. Feeling way more present and active, and haven’t taken a nap in 2021. My diet has been really good as well. Zero cravings for soda or fast food, and oddly, no strong booze cravings either.
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I believe my last drink was on 12/28, if not then it was 12/27.
I posted this on 12/29:
That’s awesome that your body and mind aren’t fighting you too hard at the moment. I too am feeling way more balanced in all ways. It’s not a shocking development but it’s nice.
I’m really not focusing too much on the future. I do waffle a bit between whether I like the idea of going out with the wife for dinner and drinks, that’s really the one thing I look back at as positive experiences. But we’d only go out a couple of times a year, so no biggie unless I started prioritizing it and we did so (bi)weekly.
The other thing I think about is maybe some beer while bbq’ing during the summer. I know I can be fine with all of that but I’m going to have to be super mindful of moderation and mentally track how often I’m doing it.
When I start thinking of all the neurosis I fall into I realize it’ll be a slippery slope and start thinking KISS and total sobriety outside of random situations that present themselves (very rare for me) where I’d socially have a beer or two. I’ve always been very careful with liquor but have had issues with gluttony of wine and then varying levels of beer drinking.
So I don’t know, I feel good. There hasn’t been one night where I’ve regretted not drinking, that’s what I’m mainly keying in on. The one day at a time has taken on something of a meaning for me, it’s more of take one day as it comes tho bc the desires seem to be sporadic. None have been strong, as I feel resolute in my decision atm, but one single tall boy can make me go back to fuck it mode I fear. I’m trying to focus on the lack of downside instead of what I was doing before, focusing on the potential lack of upside for a better time (super selfish and sophomoric when you write it down).
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And again that’s where I’m at atm. In the past it was a shitty situation and was a legit coping mechanism for escape.
Now I’m just being Henry VIII or watev. No I’m not that heavy but it’s just gluttony and selfish.
Aside: I have developed a sweet tooth but otherwise haven’t increased my eating so I’m still way down on calories. I’ll ditch that later but I’m gonna open this fruit & nut chocolate bar right now.
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Interesting stuff. I appreciate the breakdown and I’ve had some very similar thought processes.
I was just thinking about Unstuck has been a tremendous life resource for me. From keeping up to date with the trump saga up to his implosion, to cooking, television, and even trying to find health and sobriety.
Cheers guys
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I mean, I just say the things I’m inhibited to say when I’m sober.
For example, around the time I posted the post to which the above is a reply, I sent the following to my father, and haven’t heard from him since. Am I wrong?