I definitely wish I’d responded initially with something that set some boundaries, but it never occured to me he was going to just plan the whole thing. Particularly after …
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That said, how is the date for you? If it is not a problem, I would say let it dangle. If it is actually a problem I would address it early, but in a bubble, without the affect of the previous issue of the disrespect, just as a nailing down a date issue.
The date is fine, which is almost infuriating.
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Your brother may just normally step into a role of being the planner. If he’s always been the person who has organized this trip, then he may see it as his natural role in the family. If you want something different, then you need to usurp that role and come in with a counter-proposal for a specific different place.
It sounds like this trip is really about doing what your father wants, at least in your brother’s eyes, so maybe he’s the person you need to talk to more than your brother. Did you ever call him to talk about it?
Another thing you can try to dig deeper, why it is so infuriating to you.
On a top level … I don’t like this place we visit, and my preferences are wholly disregarded for years. I feel I have no autonomy in the situation and lash out. I express needs and they are each time unmet.
Deeper … My father doesn’t care how this place makes me feel, therefore he doesn’t care about me … My brother knows this trip is hard for me but wont help, that means he doesn’t love me …
The solution is to be centered in my own autonomy, which of course no one has stripped from me. Yes, I can make specific choices about how to interact with the event. …
And for sure, family stuff is so triggering!
My dad is 83 and I really just don’t think I can take it up with him. “Hey, remember two years ago when you said the next trip would be somewhere else?” … No, he doesn’t remember last week…
I should have been more clear in my message to my brother, for sure. Still. I just wasn’t expecting him to click “reserve.”
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It sounds like this trip is really about doing what your father wants, at least in your brother’s eyes, so maybe he’s the person you need to talk to more than your brother. Did you ever call him to talk about it?
We did speak about it, a couple of years back. He basically said, “ok, come on this trip and the next one will be different.” But like I said in another post, he’s getting old and his memory isn’t there.
All of these things I’m expressing had much more legitimacy a decade ago, before his mobility was an issue. Now I just feel like a fucking asshole for being irritated by this.
ETA: And yes, I think my brother sees the trip as giving my dad what he wants. I agree with you.
I don’t think it’s wrong to be irritated at not being consulted about things like dates. Does your sister feel the same way or is she being kept more in the loop?
I think your solution may be to plan a trip in addition to the annual beach trip, not in replacement of it, if you have the time and money to do so.
Just my irrelevant 2c but I don’t really sweat stuff like that and just try to always go with the flow. It’s a very harmonious way of living.
A big maturity leap for me was not taking umbrage at actions of other people by attributing it to carelessness/stupidity/ignorance rather than malice. It’s easy in our heads to take things personally that we shouldn’t, but the fact of the matter is that most people don’t act purposely malicious.
If there is no malice or ill-intent in the action, which you seem to understand, it confuses me why you’d be annoyed about it, especially when the date works out anyway. That said I understand there’s probably some family dynamic here I’m not understanding.
I completely agree, “don’t take things personally.” 100%. This feels different, however. It probably isn’t, though. …
The location of the trip is meaningful to me. It feels like a slap, over and over, to be told that it’s the only place this trip can happen. Whatever my reasons are, it’s not the only beach on the east coast.
If there is no malice or ill-intent in the action, which you seem to understand, it confuses me why you’d be annoyed about it
Oof, this kinda stings, honestly. … it’s just triggering, I guess. I feel like a little kid, shouting to be seen, but they can’t or wont. Their reasons … I suppose their reasons don’t matter. … I don’t think its malice, but the imapct persists.
Don’t take it personally. Who isn’t being seen? … the decision isn’t about me, true. but it’s a family thing, and so not having my preferences taken into account makes me feel outside the family, perhaps?
ETA: Basically, I am taking it personally. I can see that isn’t right. Trying to have some compassion for myself, since family is involved it seems easy to get triggered.
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So I’m looking for advice. This girl I’ve known for about s year and went on a date with.
She’s struggling. She recently broke up with her boyfriend who lives with her and split the mortgage. So she’s super stressed about getting him out and getting s room mate to help her pay rent.
It sounds like the ex was very abusive and he has hit her. Last two days she told me she is going to hurt herself and then today she was talking about suicide in a super vague way.
I’m looking for ways to help. How to talk to her.
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This feels like something that requires the help of a mental health professional, which I am not, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt, but this is a topic I have spent some time reading and thinking about. If you googled it, you’d probably get mostly the same advice.
Her statements should be taken seriously as a cry for help. The first thing you can do is ascertain whether she is in imminent danger of self-harm. And this is something where you can be very direct and ask her what she is planning.
In talking to her you want to be non-judgmental. You want to provide a safe space where she won’t be argued with or told she is wrong. Your job is to get her to talk about her feelings, to listen, and to demonstrate empathy.
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This has been a pretty huge step for me professionally. I’ve been skeptical of my students for cheating on this and that or making up bullshit excuses for missing class. It’s simply not worth it for me to get all anxious and angry about it. I just let them know what’s up and move on with life.
The change for me was something that was slow and progressive though. I was able to do it with some things related to my job but now it’s seeping into other areas.
One of the many interesting things in the past year has been seeing how the changes manifest. Somehow it’s not how I always expect … on some internal level, I think I just expect to wake up “fixed” one day, or feeling dramatically different.
The reality is more like … yeah, this family thing was deeply triggering – but this time I was aware it was triggering, didn’t let those emotions lead me to say and do things I would regret, and the intense emotional response passed relatively quickly. But it was still triggering. And while there’s a piece of me that is sort of disappointed … “I thought I’d made more progress than this!” … another recognizes these are in fact major steps.
In this instance, I am really struggling to reframe things. Because what just happened is exactly what happened two years ago, and so a piece of me says “of course this is intentional, my email proves I raised these exact issues two years ago!” … Of course, yeah, I did, but that doesn’t really mean anything about what happens with my brother and dad. … And so I have to be really vigalent–am still trying–to see deeply enough that this STILL isn’t about me. Even though so much of my brain and ego says YES IT IS.
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I did. We don’t see eye to eye on this at all, and my brother gets defensive. He doesn’t understand my feelings, and really that’s just something I have to accept.
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Have you considered trying to plan next year’s trip a year in advance at this year’s trip? Assuming you go. He can’t leave you out if you force the issue when you are all together.
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This is a good practical solution to consider, thanks.
I don’t want to keep dumping this here, and frankly the situation has more than six months to evolve so we’ll see what happens. I think one reality here is that my father is getting older. And frankly, maybe the moment to address some of this has passed.
I thought about approaching him. “I don’t know if you remember, but when we last addressed this you promised me …” But frankly, he wont remember. He’s still sharp and funny and easy to chat with, but his memory is shit and his grasp on technology is dwindling and mobility is becoming an issue.
Honestly, my bigger trigger is with my brother. Who understands on some intellectual level that this trip is a big deal for me but simply isn’t helping.
I have addressed this in the past with my father. Tried to. I think the honest and hard truth is that he doesn’t want to make any effort. I graduated from college in 1999 and since then I’ve never seen him outside of South Carolina. So, he’ll probably never see this first house I just bought. He never saw me when I lived in D.C.
This really does hurt me–more than I let myself acknowledge. But again, as he gets older, there’s just no window to address it. And trying to would probably cause more pain than anything else. … the solution is me reframing, me understanding my brother and father better … there’s this saying, quote, idea … We don’t get angry when we truly understand …
I was typing on my phone so I kept it short but nah, trust me dude I know that this is not something I want to be involved in romantically. I have zero interest in taking that on in my life.
I just want to support her as a friend now. I feel like just cutting her off after she dropped all that on me would be a dick move.
I tried to talk to her to see a psychiatrist and she seems convinced they will lock her up, which honestly they will if she talks about suicide right?
I know her parents pretty well, but I feel like telling them without her consent will backfire. But maybe I need too?
Thank you this is good advice and the path I’ve been on so far. No judgement, no arguments, just kinda nudging her towards professional help and trying stuff to cheer her up.
Is that a good move? Like memes, trying to get her to laugh, tell her things are going to be ok?
When I had a suicidal friend I talked to him about reasons to live.
I tried to put something on the other side of the ledger, give him some perspective. Admittedly it’s much harder to do so if you don’t know them deeply already, but talking long-term how ‘this too shall pass’ (while living in the moment day by day) is better than a short-lived humorous moment imo.
Good luck to you and her. (She’s looking at the darkness with a flashlight and needs a foglight to expand her field of view.)
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If I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t want to feel like I was being bullshitted, so there’s a line between saying things will be better, which seems like an unrealistic load of crap, vs saying that things can be better.
This isn’t someone who is just really sad and needs cheering. This is someone who feels hopeless and needs a reason to believe. If you can’t articulate that path, then at least you can make her believe that at least one person in the world thinks she is worth saving and will help her figure out a way.
One thing I would do in talking to such a person is to help figure out what she want. Sometimes, this person is just drowning and pain and wants it to stop and it’s just too much for them to handle. My strategy would be getting them to talk through a life inventory, what are their problems, what do they need, what do they want, what do they currently have. Identify one problem that seems fixable and work on that. Sometimes, if you just let them talk it out, they can figure out something on their own because you’ve created conditions for them to see their options
One thing that you need to think about is if you can be that person who is willing to call the appropriate people if she seems at risk of imminent self harm.
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