Jmakinmeangry vol. 2: More debauchery, less idiocy

Hello,

back story from last blog, feel free to skip

I am hoping it is ok to start this thread here. On 22, for many years I maintained a blog. I would describe it as a very positive influence in my life, but in recent years, it was used by one scummy individual in an attempt to blackmail me. I have been soft-trainwrecked a handful of times, none with serious consequences - this screen name is not very disconnected from my real life identity and I’ve kind of lived that way for a long time. But the latest incident, involving a rather strange and obsessed character I won’t discuss here, went a little too far. So I had the old blog deleted because that was really the only leverage he had over me.

Let me preface this by saying I am not ashamed of anything I have written about myself over the years. It is honest and mostly stream of consciousness. However, even in the last few years I’ve had to pull back a little and it kind of sucked. Some things I definitely can’t and won’t write about - my vices, my occasional penchant for the party life, in-depth details of my mental health issues - the latter of which was why I deleted the blog. I went into great, great detail about my mental health issues. Really, it’s not complicated.

The long and the short of it was I had severe depression throughout my late teens and into my early 20’s. I saw my dad die in front of me 8 years ago, which gave me a few years of undiagnosed PTSD. Fast forward a year from my dad’s death and that’s where the blog begins.

So, yea. A little bit of the stuff in there could come off quite unhinged when read without the proper context. Overall, I can come off as a little unhinged, but it works for me so I don’t worry about it.

I won’t bore you with a super in depth summary of that thread, it just chronicles my journey as an early 20’s moron with a lot of problems, working a minimum wage ($8/hr) job in an affluent city with high living costs. But some context is needed.

There was lots of dating - I have dated a lot, had a lot of heartbreak and been with a lot of very different types of people. Eventually after screwing around for a while I went to community college, and ended up with a really nice girl named Kate who fucked me over. The summer before I was set to transfer to a prestiguous uni, she got pregnant after I broke up w/ her for cheating on me with a co-worker, who I had considered a friend. A few weeks after this happened is when I find out she is pregnant, likely mine (I’ll never know).

What ensued I’m not sure I’ll ever really get over. School was crushing me, I had this going on, a lot of anger and grief over the situation, and for about 12 weeks previous I had also been caring for my sick grandma, who was dying of late stage bone cancer. I would drive 2 hours once a week to bring her food because she was in a bad situation being cared for by my druggie uncle.

Then, the abortion, which hit me pretty hard over the years. Grandma dies that same week, closely followed by my other grandpa, which was a surprise. Something in my mind just absolutely broke. I can’t explain it, I’ve never really been the same since that week.

I never really got over Kate either. It’s come up in every relationship I’ve had since - and to my count I think there’s been like 7 or 8 of them since, only 1 was very serious (ended last year). Anyway, after this disaster of a week I went on to the nice school and got my degree in computer science. Quickly found a job from a professor of mine, who I work for currently. The job is really rough but I won’t get into that yet.

So, yea that’s me. I have to be kind of cautious what I write about here - I know in the past people liked the steamy details of my life I’d post in the thread. I do have a lot of that to write about, but I just can’t do it anymore. If there was a way to select a group of people that could read that stuff I’d do it in a heartbeat. It just can’t be public. If anyone is dying to know, I can send a summary of the last several months - it has been quite wild.

End of backstory. Part 2 to follow.

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Part 2: Transitioning into the present

So, somewhere in that whole mess of my life, right around the time I started dating Kate I started to get my shit together. I became a boat captain, I was working out, I was crushing it in school. Money was no longer as huge of a concern and I loved not having to constantly stress where my next meal was coming from and I kind of chased that feeling.

I laugh now thinking of it. One of my semi-monthly paychecks now is twice what my monthly used to be on my initial captain wage. Lol. So, financial insecurity is completely gone. I also came into a low 6 figures lump sum of cash, which I still need to invest more aggressively than I currently am. Suffice it to say, within reason I can do whatever the hell I want whenever I want without worrying too much about the future.

Well, I took that a little too far over the last few months, but I think I needed it. Took several small trips, bought some things I always wanted - like a nice golf club set, a drone, an air rifle, and a shitload of other small <$100 purchases of various toys and electronics that grabbed my eye.

Surprisingly even spending what honestly has been, for me, like a little bit of a maniac, I only incurred $3,000 debt in 6 months over it. So I’m not really spending much more than I can afford and honestly I don’t think I could spend more than that even if I tried, it was getting a little absurd (for me).

However, I am 30 now. It is a new chapter in my life. My depressive spell has faded, and it is time to get my shit together. I have very few (if any) real friends, little family ties. i can go anywhere and be anyone. Literally my choices are endless. Even if I decide that being a tech manager is not for me, I can try something else, I can launch a start up, I can travel for a few years, I could go overseas for a while. I could just live on a boat somewhere in south america if I want, picking up odd jobs as a captain. Honestly I can’t think of much I couldn’t do unless it had a heavy physical element to it - my knees are getting really bad and I can’t really run. That doesn’t stop me from wanting to try out for the local amateur baseball league though, lol.

So, what the fuck now? I feel I am wasting precious years. I can do ANYTHING and all I am doing is wasting away in my craphole apartment with literal garbage piled around me, drinking myself silly on the weekends and playing rocket league and like 4 or 5 rounds of golf a week. Don’t get me wrong it is not a bad life. It just could be so much better and I’m not doing anythin at all to improve my situation 5 years from now.

I don’t want to be married. I want a kid, maybe a son. But that involves a relationship and I feel my time has a little bit passed there. I am too jaded, too damaged, too misanthropic and unhappy to be with anyone in that capacity. my last several serious attempts have failed so miserably it’s almost laughable. The problem is entirely me, too. I just can’t open that part of myself anymore and I enjoy spending long periods alone. However, it is acknowledged both by me and my therapist that long periods alone are really bad for me so I need to balance it.

She suggests joining some kind of meetup or a sports league to meet people. I don’t know where to begin there. Baseball was a good idea but tryouts are in 6 weeks and I’m not in good enough shape to play with those guys, most of them are pretty young, like early 20’s. If I practiced pitching for 6 months I am confident I could throw low 80’s with reasonable accuracy. I was hitting ~85mph as a teenager before I injured my knee and I am much stronger now.

What few friends I did have have moved on, gotten married/had kids, had a falling out, or just plain dropped off the face of the earth. The only ones left are a little bit of losers and I don’t like them at all.

So yea, anyway it’s a fresh start and I have no idea what to do. There are almost too many options but sitting here for a year thinking about it isn’t doing me any good, I want to do something drastic soon.

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tl;dr

Sorry, had to say that as a subscriber to your 2+2 blog.

Feel free to PM me the recent steamy episodes. :)

Sorry nothing too spicy on here I guess. From the last few months, have mostly been drowned in work, partying a little when I get a chance. I lost 80% of my team in the last month so I have absorbed a lot of their responsibilities. I am part manager, part dev, part sys admin now.

I golf like 3-4x a week. Looking for a new hobby that involves a lot of social interaction but not too sure yet. I desperately want to move but I’m having issues with relocating my cat.

Oh yea, I was briefly involved w/ this girl, that ended up being kind of a crazy thing. She had a dom/daddy fetish and that was fine but she seems like she has legitimately insane issues so I kinda put the brakes on that whole thing. And, it was like an 8 hour drive to go see her which sucked a lot.

New quote function is brilliant.

Your cat will relocate a lot more easily than you probably realise. Give it a day or two to hide in its new home and it’ll come out and act like it owns theplace before you know it.

She is 8 years old and has been outdoors in the same location her whole life. She has a territory, neighbors she likes to visit, and has a lot of friends. The new place would have to come with a large yard for her to hang out in and not near any busy streets. I think moving her would be a lot of risk to her.

Leaving her behind with the neighbor is an option but it’d be too hard for me.

This is anthropomorphic. I’ve lived with cats most of my life, often several at a time. Your cat cares about survival first (food) and you second. “Friends” are way down the list, some way below a cool place to escape the hot sun and a warm place in winter and way below fresh fish and cream.

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Yea, I agree. But the thing is she has had stress issues in the past - this will sound ridiculous, but she’s had spurts of some condition where it looked like she was losing all of her fur. I spent probably $1k on various vets to figure out what was going on, no real diagnosis. No mites, no parasites, no fleas, ticks, anything - but she was ripping her fur out in huge chunks over short periods of time.

Couldnt find anything environmental that could cause it, the vets concluded it was stress. She is a little bit high strung - even for an outdoor cat. She’s extremely friendly and outgoing but you can tell when a predator is around or the dogs next door have been really loud she gets so insanely on edge. She also won’t keep food down when she gets like this, no matter what you feed her she just barfs it up.

I just worry about her freaking out and running away or getting confused and lost. It is probably like 50/50 chance of happening IMO. Or, whatever her stress condition is worsens. But tbh I am so miserable at this place I am close to just doing it anyway and accepting the risk. My last straw was earlier this spring some birds took up a nest over my entryway and were attacking me any time I was leaving or coming in. My landlady is a religious psycho and I feel I have no privacy. The place is dirty and dingy and nothing really works, even for the small amount I pay for it I want something nicer even if it costs twice the rent. And I really want AC. And I want no one to track my comings or goings and I don’t want to have to constantly talk to people when I’m leaving or coming home.

Never read your last blog but you seem cool and interesting. In for the new one. Please don’t shoot any more birds. ;)

Cats are highly sensitive to their environment and surroundings, and particularly their owners. She may have picked up on the stress/anxiety issues you’ve had in the past.

Whatever the cause, she’s late middle-aged now and maybe needs to go out less often than when she was young?

It is possible she picks up on my stress. When I am depressed, she will hop up on my belly and take a nap until I physically move her, and that’s the only time she ever does that behavior is when I’m feeling like that. So it would not surprise me.

But, no, she is always out. In the day she’ll sleep inside sometimes if the weather is not perfect. At night she hunts and she still bags kills. I’ve seen her a few streets over before late at night, she keeps a pretty large territory. I don’t know how she does it, there are coyotes everywhere and almost no cat survives more than a year or two out here.

Thx, wb

Dude, what can I say? Either you stay where you’re unhappy for the sake of your cat who would adapt to moving with you, or you move and leave your cat to someone which is just as bad if not worse seeing as how fond of her you are, or you move with her.

I am going to move I just need to find the right place.
For instance an apartment likely will not work. But I don’t think I want to spend the money to rent a house, and I don’t have any potential roommates or really desire any. So it is a puzzle I am still trying to solve.

How do I get to the following, tracking, normal etc. radio buttons?

Interested in this thread, please continue.
Pm me the steamy Stuff for sure

YAY!

reading your first post or two, my suggestion is disc golf.

:man_shrugging:t4: just kinda seems like something where you can channel your competitiveness. I imagine you have multiple courses within 20-30 mins of wherever you are, you can be outside, meet people, it’s pretty solid as far as hobbies go. when golf got to be too expensive several years ago (being off all summer, I was out 5-6 days a week which wasn’t really sustainable) I bought like 8-10 discs and never looked back.

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This is not very different from real golf and is often played on real golf courses near where I live anyway. I am not that interested in such a similar hobby.

I also tried it out a few years ago and it was meh for me. I dont know.

I’ll send to you jalfrezi but maybe I overhyped it. It’s more embarassing than juicy? I dont want to hype it up anymore than I am.

My job situation is hectic but manageable - I dont know how much people know about it, but basically I started a little over a year ago fresh out of school (actually I started in my last quarter). They hired me as a project manager, and I have no idea why. I think it was because of my age and I stated a desire for management someday in my interview, and they liked that I had been a captain for some reason.

So, I accept the offer, not asking the right questions obviously because this is a brand new world to me and I didnt know it at ALL at the time. It is shocking to me now how little I knew. In my mind, what they sold to me was that I would be doing dev work on and off while I also managed. Kind of like an engineering lead, really (which honestly is what I have been in reality for a long time now).

In my mind, they had some kind of system or process in place to take over, because the company had been around for several years. Day 1 I ask, “ok what project management tools do you use?” and quickly discover that this place had ZERO process, on any level whatsoever. Business, product (there still is no product manager), engineering, whatever. Everything has been done with google docs, google sheets, gmail, and github. It’s kind of astonishing they made it as far as they did.

I figure, whoo boy this is more than I signed up for. I am coming in as a fresh, young grad, expected to implement a process that 1) will undoubtedly be unpopular no matter what and 2) to people much more senior than me in both education, career experience, and time at this company.

So, I tried for the first few months and ran into some really difficult personality problems. One, it was clear to me very early on that some engineers hadn’t done any work in months, maybe longer. There was virtually no management on any level and my boss tends to be kind of non-assertive and lets people get away with murder. So they were VERY used to and comfortable with the situation that already existed and I was immediately unpopular with several of them.

So, since I didnt really have the tools or authority I needed to whip some butts I put my head down and decided to earn the engineer’s respect by pumping out some code and helping wherever else I could. I succeeded with everyone except one holdout, who this day hates me with a passion I dont think anyone ever has in my life, and that is REALLY saying a lot. She had it in her mind that she should have been doing my job, which she probably should have - I came to find out later she was offered it and turned it down. So I imagine there was a lot of resentment there, plus she didnt like my personality at all.

THere was some weird sexual tension that played out in a super, super weird way with her. I basically went on a “date” with her at one point unwittingly - she invited me - and at one point was chatting with me several hours a day. In hindsight, it was either an attempt to manipulate me, or she liked me, or maybe both. Idk.

ANYWAY. Earlier this year we have some major turnover on the team that built one of our products that was in alpha. Lost the whole team, which was 2 guys. So they hire a new guy to replace that entire team and kind of just put me in charge of the projects related to that, which was mostly POC’s.

What i quickly find out is that the project is a god damn mess and doesnt even perform as advertised. I thought it should have been abandoned entirely but we’re only just now getting there out of necessity.

Eventually I get sick of all this stress, my complete inability to perform my actual role without being extremely manipulative or forceful, and threaten to quit. My breaking point was I was instructed to have a weekly standup with the engineering team and they said make it happen no matter what it takes. So I did, and the problem girl revolted over it. She flat out refused to attend a 10 minute, once a week standup. So I just said fine, I will quit, this is ridiculous. The culture here is so absolutely fucked that this behavior is acceptable, and it is spreading to the rest of the team. Fuck it, I’m gone, it’s not worth it.

They say no, no, we’ll deal with it. CEO sends a fiery email to the entire company that it’s MY way (meaning me, jmakin) or the highway and if anyone has a problem with it, then they can resign effective immediately.

Girl hands in her resignation a week later.

Not so surprisingly, things got way better after that. People are attending and participating in meetings, work output is not only much higher but better in quality, morale seemed improved. Awesome! My own anxiety was way lessened as well. I couldnt be in the same room with her without just feeling like I needed to leave, and this is a really really small office.

We pick up a few major products, make some major deals, and the company is really seeming to catch on fire. Not only that, I’m brought in on all major meetings with the upper managers, I get CC’d on everything, and my input is valued. My role morphed into kind of a keeper of info - it’s my job to keep everything organized, make sure there’s no miscommunications, that everyone is on the same page and working towards the business goals. Kind of like a program manager mixed in with some tech stuff I was doing.

Again, cool! I was really happy with the way things were headed.

Then, all hell breaks loose. We lose one of our new star devs that was supposed to be the main developer for our major huge contract we just signed. Oh shit. There’s no one to replace her. We choose our sys admin, who keeps the place running. Then HE resigns. Now it’s basically just me, my boss, and one other guy.

I take over that project and just start slamming code into the repo to keep it going. Then I find someone to put on this project and get him to a state where he can take over my stuff, and it looks like we’ll hit all of our deliverables. Sweet. My other projects are actually on time, we’re signing customers, productizing our stuff better and better every day (in my mind).

Now though I can just sense my boss is checking out and is probably leaving. They dont include him on any big meetings anymore, they defer to me to check with him. So he is basically reporting to me right now, and I’m not sure if that’s because they know hes leaving our hes just resigned himself to this position because HE knows he’s leaving, but what I do know is he seems kind of checked out, stressed, unhappy, and has been taking a lot of uncharacteristic (for him) time off in middle parts of the day. I think he is interviewing.

If this happens I am fucked. I am absolutely fucked. Him and I can keep things together, but without him, I think I am lost. And I have nothing in the backburner and dont want to job hunt right now, I want this to work. But the apathy here is just incredible to me sometimes.

I know the response will be, leave. And yea I need to but I cant stress how much theyd be fucked without me. The sysadmin was an unacceptable loss already, he’s not replaceable. Now I’m performing that role but inevitably stuff will break and I wont know how to fix it. If i absorb my boss’s current role as well - there’s no way I can do all of that. And to make things worse I was just laughed at when I asked for a raise a few months ago when my responsibilities were creeping up.

I dont want to screw this company over because that leaves a bad, bad trail behind me and I don’t want that. But I kind of think this company would screw me over in a heartbeat.