back story from last blog, feel free to skip
I am hoping it is ok to start this thread here. On 22, for many years I maintained a blog. I would describe it as a very positive influence in my life, but in recent years, it was used by one scummy individual in an attempt to blackmail me. I have been soft-trainwrecked a handful of times, none with serious consequences - this screen name is not very disconnected from my real life identity and I’ve kind of lived that way for a long time. But the latest incident, involving a rather strange and obsessed character I won’t discuss here, went a little too far. So I had the old blog deleted because that was really the only leverage he had over me.
Let me preface this by saying I am not ashamed of anything I have written about myself over the years. It is honest and mostly stream of consciousness. However, even in the last few years I’ve had to pull back a little and it kind of sucked. Some things I definitely can’t and won’t write about - my vices, my occasional penchant for the party life, in-depth details of my mental health issues - the latter of which was why I deleted the blog. I went into great, great detail about my mental health issues. Really, it’s not complicated.
The long and the short of it was I had severe depression throughout my late teens and into my early 20’s. I saw my dad die in front of me 8 years ago, which gave me a few years of undiagnosed PTSD. Fast forward a year from my dad’s death and that’s where the blog begins.
So, yea. A little bit of the stuff in there could come off quite unhinged when read without the proper context. Overall, I can come off as a little unhinged, but it works for me so I don’t worry about it.
I won’t bore you with a super in depth summary of that thread, it just chronicles my journey as an early 20’s moron with a lot of problems, working a minimum wage ($8/hr) job in an affluent city with high living costs. But some context is needed.
There was lots of dating - I have dated a lot, had a lot of heartbreak and been with a lot of very different types of people. Eventually after screwing around for a while I went to community college, and ended up with a really nice girl named Kate who fucked me over. The summer before I was set to transfer to a prestiguous uni, she got pregnant after I broke up w/ her for cheating on me with a co-worker, who I had considered a friend. A few weeks after this happened is when I find out she is pregnant, likely mine (I’ll never know).
What ensued I’m not sure I’ll ever really get over. School was crushing me, I had this going on, a lot of anger and grief over the situation, and for about 12 weeks previous I had also been caring for my sick grandma, who was dying of late stage bone cancer. I would drive 2 hours once a week to bring her food because she was in a bad situation being cared for by my druggie uncle.
Then, the abortion, which hit me pretty hard over the years. Grandma dies that same week, closely followed by my other grandpa, which was a surprise. Something in my mind just absolutely broke. I can’t explain it, I’ve never really been the same since that week.
I never really got over Kate either. It’s come up in every relationship I’ve had since - and to my count I think there’s been like 7 or 8 of them since, only 1 was very serious (ended last year). Anyway, after this disaster of a week I went on to the nice school and got my degree in computer science. Quickly found a job from a professor of mine, who I work for currently. The job is really rough but I won’t get into that yet.
So, yea that’s me. I have to be kind of cautious what I write about here - I know in the past people liked the steamy details of my life I’d post in the thread. I do have a lot of that to write about, but I just can’t do it anymore. If there was a way to select a group of people that could read that stuff I’d do it in a heartbeat. It just can’t be public. If anyone is dying to know, I can send a summary of the last several months - it has been quite wild.
End of backstory. Part 2 to follow.