Thank you for the advice.
Having been the sibling in town, I cannot stress enough how much I appreciate it when the out of town brother flies in to help.
The more you can do that, the better.
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There’s some really good psychology work on exact this topic.
Lookup immunity to change and competing commitments.
This video also has a a really good short explanation
Starts a minute in and is 14 minutes long. Also has a decent joke.
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When my Mom was having her heart problems prior to passing, I flew in twice and told my brother and his wife to take a few days off. Thankfully they were overall fairly independent, it was just the appointments that really added up.
I also did first week shift out in AZ when Dad had his stroke. We overlapped for a day.
Least I could do. In both cases turned out to be my real opportunities to say goodbye as they each passed suddenly a few weeks after my visits.
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Tidying up my dad’s place since he’s moved to the home…
900 dollars hidden in an envelope…
I had a suspicion this was here somewhere.
Next door neighbor had a few thousand squirreled away. Came of age during depression.
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This was from when I gave him lots of extra cash while I was overseas. (He can’t be trusted with a bank card cos he gets scammed)
Day two of my trip “I only have $100. You need to get me more cash”
Facepalm.
Nice moment today.
I’ve been trying to get rid of dads old books. Which feels quite sad.
There’s a bunch of deep science books, quantum chemistry, serious stuff.
I put them up for free on Facebook marketplace trying to get them to a good home, but it wasn’t going so well. Mums planning to give them to their high school student kids and shit like that.
Anyway. One guy seemed more interested, so I said he should come by and have a look.
He showed up this afternoon.
Turns out me and dad know him. Met him at an Oxford University alumni event just last week.
He’s a quantum physicist. Studied under Higgs. Was also at Oxford. And was even a state member of Parliament for Labor (the left wing party in Aus) which my dad was a lifetime volunteer for.
He LOVED the books. Took about 50 home, and just clearly thought the collection was exceptional.
It’s absolutely made my day.
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These places charge 5th avenue prices and hire fast food employees. It’s crazy.
When the script flips on life like that it’s hard. Was really hard for me. My dad was always my idol and the smartest person I knew. I tended to deny things had gotten as bad as they were for a long time always wanting to believe he was still the same person for all my life.
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I have a close relationship to my kids and as I get older I think about this. Is there anything your dad could have done before his decline that would have made it easier for you?
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Trying to make us cry? Nice story.
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Good question. My instant reaction is nothing because with dementia you don’t really recognize your own decline. He was sick for a really long time but was still pretty functional ten plus years while sick. Once it got bad he no longer understood what was happening.
I guess just asking me for help. He was a Superman to me so it was hard for me to take the reins. If he had asked me to help more it might have made the transition easier. But he was always so capable he wasn’t used to asking for help.
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I’m curious about this. I understand the effect makes it so that the person experiencing the dementia doesn’t really understand that that is what is happening. Are there ever moments of lucidity where they do actually understand what is going on, that they have a disease and it’s causing them to not experience the world the same way we do?
This is great and really pretty deep as far as parenting goes. My relationship with my father, who is still with us and very sharp at 89, changed drastically for the better when my mom died. I think the biggest reason for that is that during the period where she passed he actually really needed my help for the first time. We both came to regard each other as fellow human beings to whom we were close, instead of a more hierarchical father/son dynamic. When my dad eventually passes (it’s got to happen someday!) I will have zero regrets - we both know exactly where one another stand and while I wasn’t the greatest son for a long time, I am very comfortable that I have amended that to the best of my ability.
I do think my kids think of me as a bit of a Superman, which I really try to counter by being honest and vulnerable. I definitely try to encourage them to manage their own lives instead of doing it for them, but looking for opportunities for them to actually help me is a fascinating idea.
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Yeah, this is one of the big things about aging that is really fucking with my brain. I know one day I will call these small creatures I have cared for and guided their entire lives to come help me with something serious when I have always been the one to help them with everything.
I havent gotten to that role reversal with my parents yet (still under 70) but I know its coming soon.
Im not exactly the closest with people. I was the kid who moved away while my sister stayed close and got help raising her kids and everything, but I still imagine I will be pitching in a lot when the time comes.
Some advice.
- Do the work on yourself now.
Being vulnerable and or/having memory issues is gonna make it hard to fix stuff like “I don’t know how to communicate my emotions” or “I think it’s okay to swear at people when I’m frustrated”
- Get in your mind that you will need to let go and trust the kids.
My dad trying to understand everything that’s happening when he’s in hospital for example, when it’s mentally impossible for him to hold it all in his head, makes it harder for him and for me.
We occasionally cut through with “dad. I got this. I’ll explain it later. Trust me. We are gonna look after you” but that’s the exception not the norm.
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I think at times my dad acknowledged it but I suspect it was just going along with what we all are saying as opposed to him recognizing it.
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