Preface: This post got pretty long but is actually the condensed and streamlined version–I could say more, much more, but for everyone’s sake I won’t.
Honestly guys, as I said before, I only very reluctantly volunteered to take on admin duties. And the things that have happened here in the last few days have made me feel really shitty.
First there were beetlejuice’s posts in the “RFC - Choosing new Admin” thread, the hearts those posts got, and the fact that nobody said anything on my behalf.
Then I got added to the “Captains” PM thread by ■■■■■■■. (Coincidentally right after 6ix posted a screenshot of one of my posts with a comment basically saying “it’s sad that they really believe this and aren’t gaslighting,”–thanks for that ■■■■■■■. Then tabbaker picked up the gaslighting talking point and dropped it in the “RFC - Choosing new Admin” thread, lovely.)
As I read through the PM thread I felt horrible, my stomach was clenching and I was practically shaking. All these posts, many by people I have chatted with and thought was cool with in various threads, saying all this heinous shit about other posters, the forum at large, the mods, the admins…
What it made clear to me (along with some other things) is that there are many posters here who can not or will not act like there is a real human being on the other side of the screen. And I’m asking myself, why should I offer up my precious time and energy to build a platform for these people?
It seems to me I have three options:
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Jump into the fray and divert a bunch of my limited time and mental horsepower to really contribute and try hard to help make things better. I’ve tried this before and was unsuccessful.
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Hang back, say nothing, and white knuckle it in hopes that things will get better. I’ve been trying this since my month off in March and it hasn’t helped at all (either with the forum or the amount of time I spend thinking about and feeling bad about the forum). Then, if/when I become admin, try to navigate what to do about the subforum proposal during a nearly full-blown forum civil war. (Sounds fun, huh?)
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For the sake of my own self-esteem and my own self-respect, walk away and find something less personally harmful to do with my time.
Where I’m sitting right now I’m about 99% to do option 3. I guess some people will interpret this as some kind of ultimatum or demand for fealty, but really it’s just that I’m tired of having to fret about this place. And I don’t want to be a doormat who gets used by people who won’t even bother to show any trace of respect or kindness toward me and other posters.
I’m really sorry to the people who have expressed support in the various votes/polls and comments. And I’m sorry to the forum at large if this ends up causing trouble keeping the lights on. I just can’t see any way through this, so, barring a some sort of miracle fix, leaving is the only thing I can do.
Finally, this is a really hard decision for me, and it feels kind of rushed. But I thought I should make it before anybody is relying on me, or (god forbid) my name is on anything. I’ll hang around for a little while in case anyone wants to discuss this with me. After that, I’ll set my PMs to email me and log out.